�It�s okay for you to just stand still and hold on to my hand� The Stillness by David Berkeley.
I am standing still and holding on to your hand.
I have no idea who you are.
But I am holding your hand.
Because I have forgotten how to hold on to any thing else. The things that I know seem forgotten, like a word you know you were about to say but can�t remember. And you try to describe the word to remind those around you so they can help you remember what the word is.
I�m doing some of that too.
I�m holding your hand, and describing a word to you and asking you to remind me what the word is.
Because I have forgotten a lot of things.
My mind feels very mushy today. Which is probably why this entry is so mushy. My hands don�t feel like they work right. My brain isn�t working right.
Today, I stood at the copier holding a piece of paper in my hand that I needed to copy. I stared at the numbers on the copier, looking from the key pad to the paper in my hand, back and forth, looking for the phone number on the paper so that I can fax the paper. But I was at a copier trying to make a copy.
Today, I got in my car. I stared at the pedals as I put the key in the ignition. I wondered which pedal I was supposed to put my foot on. I tentatively tried one and then the other until I figured out which pedal was which again.
Today I saw my orthopedist who gave me another pep talk so that I can keep going another day, another week, another month.
I have never been so confident of myself and so unsure of myself at the same time. My brain is swirling and even my eyes find it hard to focus.
A few moments ago, I stepped into my room and I felt the floor move beneath my feet, like how you feel when you step on an escalator.
Today, I stared in the mirror at my face, at the weird curved cut on my forehead. When people ask and I have to explain, I groan inwardly when I say, "My knee collapsed last night when I was going to the restroom and I hit my head on the shower door.
But it�s Friday, and I�m writing this entry. When I finish I will lay down for 20 minutes and rest my body. Then I will go to my physical therapy for 2 and a half hours. Then I will go to the pharmacy and pick up a prescription. Then I will come home.
When I come home, I will stand still and hold your hand.
Whoever you are.
So please, have your hand out there.
