I�ve promised myself for days that I would do an update and yet, just as equal a number of days have gone by since that promise.
But here it is, 5:46 AM (though it will be later by the time this posts) and I choose now to write the entry. I have a few moments before the muscle relaxers kick in and calm my back spasms, at which point I will probably fall back to sleep. When I awaken, I�m not sure what I�ll find when I look in the mirror. As I was going to the bathroom for my morning pee, for whatever-the-fuck reason chose to open the door with my right hand and not my left. Though my right hand is dominant and used for most tasks, my door has a tall dresser to its right so it is much easier to open with the left hand as is my customary habit. Why the right hand, I bemoan this morning? As using the right hand changed my body�s location entirely causing me to plant my right eye firmly on the corner of said dresser. Luckily, I wasn�t moving with any sort of force, it was a gentle door opening and not a �gotta go gotta go gotta go right now� kind of pee. But we shall see, sometimes I bruise easily and the slightest knock can bring on the bruising. Other times I seem to whack myself against things with force (not purposely, I�m just clumsy) and cause no visible damage). But in truth, it was more the eye itself that seems to hurt as it sort of got momentarily pushed in to its socket. Well, I did take a vicodin with the muscle relaxers and I�m constantly on anti-inflammatories so between the two of them, that should end any eye pain and/or inflammation that wants to occur due to my stupidity at using the wrong hand.
So, the fact that I haven�t written in a while has led some (well, truthfully, only one that I know of and she got a phone call to say hi so she all ready knows) to question whether this is good or bad news. I mean, silence can mean that horrors are raining down upon me (not so my good friends) or that I�m doing okay for the most part and suddenly finding that living has not provided me much time for updating (if you chose answer B, you are the proud winner and I shall send you a special prize (she says surveying her desk area for something wonderful, I know, a check registry from my new set of �Breast Cancer Awareness checks�). Yes, I am one of THOSE people who don�t write stuff in their check registry. I just do it all online. I save my receipts and use duplicate checks and then just check on line every few days to see how I�m doing. Don�t knock it too much, it�s been working for me for a while and saves my arthritic fingers all that pesky writing.
Well, here�s a typical week for me:
Monday, get up, go to work for approximately 8 hours, leave at 3, come home, change, go to physical therapy from 4 to 6, sometimes stop at the grocery store (they are in the same center), come home, make and eat healthy dinner. By then it�s at least 7 or later so I spend the rest of the evening (all the way until 9ish, I�m SUCH a party girl) resting my sore body (from the PT but it�s good pain) and watching the tube (my set of shows or taped shows or DVDs) until it�s time to go to bed.
Tuesday, get up, go to work for approximately 8 hours, leave at 3, come home (sometimes) to change, go to the chiropractor, sometimes stop at the grocery store (also in the same center as the grocery store AND PT place, how lucky can a girl get, and only 4 blocks from home), come home, make and eat a healthy dinner. Because the chiro takes only about 30 minutes, I have a little more time on this particular night to relax, read a book, chat with the family and/or get caught up on missed tv shows and DVDs.
Wednesday: flash back to Monday.
Thursday: work for approximately 8 hours, then every other Thursday, go to mentoring. On my �off-mentoring� Thursdays, I may eventually be spending time with my �mentee� unless we�ve chosen a weekend activity), but for now, we are still in the �getting to know you stage� so I have every other Thursday to myself to catch up on all those things I need to do after work but can�t because every damn day has something that I MUST do.
Friday: looks quite a bit like Monday and Wednesday.
Saturday: there may be an event planned (had a baby shower one Saturday, dinner with my friends Jana and Pamie and their babies one Saturday) and also use the weekend to relax.
Oh, and I forgot, on my �off PT� days, I have homework. Physical Therapy homework, which is mostly stretching exercises, but I have a whole routine that takes about a half an hour a night (unless I have PT, then I do the stretching there). And occasionally, the schedule varies, as life events come up and take precedence.
Take last Friday for instance, when I needed (for me and for my friend) to attend the funeral of my friend�s husband. He was 33 years old. I say funeral, but it was really a memorial service. Some bit ago, he had a complete physical to up his life insurance, which he passed with flying colors. A week and a half ago, this father of three, wife of one, was playing basketball and dropped on the court. The paramedics were summoned but could not revive him. His body is still with the coroner as they are trying to figure out what-the-fuck killed him and can�t find anything wrong. A perfectly healthy 33 year old dies and his body leaves no clues. What I think of, is the call. You know what call I�m talking about. Anyone who loves someone has dreaded that call, and my friend, mother of 3, had to receive it. I ache for her in her pain, sleeping in a now empty bed, waking up each day knowing it�s not going to go away. Her fears for the future in raising 3 kids alone (she was a stay-at-home mom).
In tribute to Chad, I will say this, there were over 1000 people at the service. 1000 people. People flew in from all over the country, if Chad had touched your life, you were at his memorial service, because that�s the kind of guy Chad was, when he touched you, it left an impression (and not a bruise like the damn dresser may leave), it may have even changed your life and set you on a different path. I cannot see the wisdom in striking someone down in these circumstances, but Heather (the wife) is a woman of faith and she is holding on to the belief that there are reasons that she cannot see nor understand. I don�t know much about faith these days, all I care about is that something provides her with some comfort. I didn�t give her any words of comfort but I wrote her a nice card (I do write nice cards, even in sad circumstances) and reminded her of her strength (she has seen her share of hardship, as have we all, and always finds a way to come out the other end stronger) and letting her know I�m there for her. I know that right now, there�s a house full of people keeping her company, my plan is to swoop in when the furor dies down a bit.
So generally, I would say that, barring the funeral, the fact that I haven�t updated in a while is a good thing. I still have occasional bad days, like today, but more often than not, I have good days. And I find that I am slowly getting my life back, that life I used to have where I could go do things.
I don�t think I�ve officially mentioned it, but I�ve signed up to be a mentor through Heidi�s organization. Really, it was only a matter of time before she talked (held me at gunpoint until I surrendered) me in to it. It took several weeks to get matched with my �girl� but I finally got matched last week. We are still very early in the �getting to know you stage� but overall, she seems like a stable young woman with big dreams and I want to help her make her dreams come true. She wants to be a vet so I got some information on a junior college in the area that has a vet tech program that can be tailored to satisfy requirements that would help her gain entrance into a 4 year university veterinary program down the line. I know it�s early as she�s only 14 but it tells the pre-requisites so I think it�s good information to have now as it will help her plan her high school classes.
The other night on the phone, she told me that her favorite animal is a dolphin but she�s never seen one. My mind starting making plans. First, this Thursday I�m taking her some pictures of dolphins that I took on my whale watching trip. These pictures:
Also, in a few weeks, I�ll be getting a miniscule bonus, but I think it might be enough to cover a trip to Sea World and a �dolphin experience� where you actually get to suit up and hang out with the dolphins in the water for about an hour. We probably won�t be able to do this until May or so (giving us time to build more of a relationship and me more time to get to know her family, as I�d like to make it an overnight trip and see some of San Diego as well as visit the Wild Animal Park) but I want to buy the tickets now whilst I have the extra cashola). But in the meantime, the whale watching trip will be fun, they promise that you will either see dolphins or whales and dolphins are pretty common in these waters so I�m sure we�ll see some. They love the boats and come and try to swim with their large �friends�.
Anyway, I have big plans for us as things progress and I hope that I provide her with some experiences that help her determine what she wants to do. When she said she loved dolphins, I thought well maybe she doesn�t want to be a vet, per se, but more of a marine biologist, hence the dolphin experience. We�ll see. I don�t want to change her mind if it�s already set, but maybe just open it up to larger possibilities.
I�ve also been spending time with Jana and her adorable baby. Though her religion doesn�t have godmothers, she�s asked me to be the godmother. I�d have played that role anyway as Jana is one of the most amazing friends I have (though a lot of you are up there too, you just don�t live in California where I can see you on a regular basis) and this baby is her dream finally realized. Plus, I�m sorry, this little girl is too adorable to stay away from. I can�t believe how lucky they are, they got just the right baby. See, they don�t really know what they�re doing (though they are learning quickly and I, with my child development (almost) degree and my 6 years of working with infants and toddlers am helping as much as I can, but sometimes, she (Jana) does funny things. Like one night, she came over to introduce Kamryn, the baby, to my parents and then we were going to dinner. It was about 4 PM. Kamryn was a little fussy which is very much not like her. We were commenting on it, figuring she might be tired from the drive, when Jana said, oh maybe she�s hungry, I haven�t fed her since lunch. Oh, yeah, 4 hours between meals for a baby is way too long. So I said, well, get one of her bottles and we�ll give her some milk. Jana�s response �Oh, I should have brought a bottle huh, I�m such a bad mom�. Reassuring Janet, it�s okay, you�re a great mom, you�re just learning. When we get to Target (our destination before dinner anyway), we�ll just run in, grab a bottle, fill it with milk and she can suck happily whilst we shop. Then we�ll pay for the bottle and milk when we buy the rest of our stuff. It worked. She drank 1 and a half bottles during our Target spree. Then we went to Chevy�s for dinner where she ate a full jar of baby meat sticks, a full jar of baby carrot chunks, a full bag of goldfish crackers as well as bits and pieces off of our plates. This baby knows how to eat! But she has the sweetest disposition. If she�s crying, something is wrong. It�s just that Jana doesn�t have the practical experience to know the main reasons why baby�s cry, but I�m helping her out there and she�s figuring it out as she goes as well. No worries, people of Diaryland, Kamryn is well loved and well taken care of. Here�s a picture of her cute face from the shower: 
I just want to eat her up. And my heart is warmed by these thoughts told to me by Jana. She totally followed me around the shower. At one point, I put her down to go do something and she looked up and saw I was gone and got this sad face. One day, Jana came by my work to pick something up and she cried when I left the car. She loves her some Janet and Janet loves her some Kamryn. It�s a mutual love-fest.
Other than that, not much going on. I�m going to go to Big Bear for a weekend away (using my timeshare) in about a week and a half. Things had been much improved with Brian until I mentioned that I was glad things were getting better and then things immediately went back into the toilet (well, maybe not all the way, just below the rim). I just was thanking him for how he really stepped up at Christmas and how he was making an effort to stay in communication with me, even if it was only a text message in his busy day, it helped me know that he was thinking about me. Of course, by saying this, I jinxed it. I asked him about the big day, today, and said I didn�t want to go out but I�d love for him to come over and I�d make a special dinner. He�d said maybe for tonight but he�d have to check to see if he�d booked any clients but if not tonight then we could do it Friday. The date was not important, I just wanted to spend time with him. I even gave him permission to not worry about some clich�d gift and told him I�d just like a well-thought out card. But a week of him not getting back to me about it (I do have ingredients to buy if I�m making dinner) prompted a few text messages that were also unanswered. I was ready to go off on his sorry ass until the funeral, when I remembered that we should always remember that any of our words could be our last, so I didn�t but wrote an email instead telling him that I needed him to let me know and that I was making it as easy on him as possible, that I am often trying to meet his needs and I am a romantic and would like to spend a special night with him and would he please get back to me. I also said that if he couldn�t make it to just be honest and stop avoiding the issue, that I would be upset but would eventually get over it.
So I finally got a (2 minute) phone call where he said he was too busy, and he�d had a bad day and could we just scrap V�day this year. I said fine, in that tone that says it�s not really fine but I don�t want a fight so let me deal with this in my own way. He then said that V�day had him all freaked out (oh please, a 40 year old man afraid of valentine�s day when his girl is asking only that he show up for dinner � how scary!), which I knew was just an excuse to try to elicit my sympathy. He then repeated how horrible his day was, never asking a thing about why I was at a funeral on Friday (I had left him a message on my LOOOOOONG drive back from the funeral to say that I was on my way back from a funeral and this inspired me to tell the people that I love that I love them as you never know and funerals should inspire you to do such things) and then asked me to tell him a story (to cheer him up) and I said I couldn�t, that yes, I was upset, as I mentioned in the email I would be, explaining that I don�t ask much and that I am romantic by nature and I just wanted to spend time with him and that I�d get over it.
So, today is not valentine�s day. It is the 14th of February. And I�m leaving it all in his corner to make the next contact with me as I remain pissed and don�t feel like calling and saying hi when I want to call and ream his ass. In some cases, silence is simply better as I subscribe to the philosophy of not speaking when I�m mad and only speaking when I can be rational, which I cannot be yet.
Thus the life of Janet moves slowly forward. I AM starting to feel better. The physical therapy, combined with different medications (yay for Celebrex) and chiropractic treatment, are all doing their part. I still have bad days, and the further I go into the PT, the more muscle I build and sometimes this puts stress on my joints and back. But the orthopedist has assured me this is normal, he said that PT kicks up all sorts of things and first you�ll be hurting here, then it�ll move there, then it�ll find some other place where you�ve never hurt before, but to just trust the process. The PT place I go to is really great and they do a lot of �checks� with you whether they are �working you� or you are doing prescribed exercises, to make sure you aren�t hurting or that if you are it�s the good pain and not the bad pain. There are three therapists there, each with their own style, but all really nice and good at what they do. They also have a variety of staff (PT Aides) who work there, all very nice, all in school to become physical therapists. The place came highly recommended from my doctor (we�ll call him Dr. Mustard, as his real name is a nickname for another common condiment, and yes, he�s the grandson of �those� mustards back in Minneapolis and VERY well known here in So Cal as an orthopedic miracle maker so I trust his judgment). So far, any pain that I have just seems to be part of the process and not injury pain. Except for one day, totally not their fault, but I was getting off the table and hurt my stomach muscle. See, when I had my hernia repair, they sewed mesh into the newly sewn up muscle to prevent it from splitting again. The muscle then grows around the mesh, losing flexibility and strength in that area. Sometimes, when I move wrong, I tear a tiny piece of muscle from the mesh (I explain it like this, it�s like when you cook one of those roasts that are wrapped in string and you remove the string, the meat sticks to it). It hurt quite a bit at the time and so my PT that day was �modified� to remove all exercises that used my abs or hurt me when I tried them). As it�s not a torn muscle that continues to pull on itself, rather a small piece of muscle that has completely torn off, the pain is great at the time but actually heals rather quickly, so after a day of rest and an ice pack strapped to my belly, I was fine and no worse for the wear and back to building my abs (and yes Michele, you were right, one of the answers to improving a bad back is to build the abdominal muscles. But for me, with my hernia, I did need to learn how to do it the right way from professionals and also, start gradually, building them in small steps. But I�ve seen progress in all areas, from stretching to exercises, I can do more than the day I walked in the door. Yay! All in all, it�s at least 6 hours a week, if not more, of body work. After the stretching, it�s pretty much over an hour 3 times a week of actual exercises so it�s sort of like going to the gym (I even ride an exercise bike). So after the PT is over, I�ll have some good exercises to continue at the gym and will hopefully be ready to add some more cardio.
The December pain kept me in bed on medication most of the time. It had a funny �side effect� in that being nauseous and not feeling well, I really only wanted chicken soup. I lost about 20 pounds on my �chicken soup-eat only twice a day� diet, which has encouraged a new year of healthy eating. My sweet tooth is not dead but much deadened. I am satisfied at the end of the day with 2 dove dark chocolates (and they have some chemical in them that is good for the heart so I don�t begrudge myself this indulgence) and find it quite easy the rest of the day to �just say no� to other sweets that cross my path. Also, my cravings have totally changed. One day, I woke up and said �I want barley�. Barley. WTF. I have never willingly eaten barley in my life. But actually, if you cook it in chicken broth, it�s quite tasty. A typical meal for me is some barley or brown rice, some chicken and some steamed veggies. If I�m lazy, then I go the soup route. Whatever, it seems to be working. I�m not losing weight as I�m now building muscle, but I continue to shrink a tiny bit and find myself fitting back into clothes that I bought when I was at my (brief) low of 205. Right now I�m about 210 depending on the day. I had gotten down to 205 again, but with the muscle building, I am putting on a little weight, but not size as clothes continue to get slightly more roomy every week or so. I like this and plan to continue this and hopefully reach my original goal of 180, which at this point, feels totally doable. Regardless, I am feeling healthy and feel like I am giving my body the fuel it needs, not just succumbing to some craving (though of course, I don�t eat perfect all the time, there are special occasions where I vary my menu a bit without guilt).
Oh, and I don�t know if I mentioned the extent of my injuries here or not, but between the ortho, the PT and the chiro, I�ve discovered that I did the following in my fall: fractured my tailbone (or coccyx as is its true name), dislocated the sacro-iliac joint (the place where the coccyx connects to the lower spine), compressed the lower disks in my spine and, here�s one I haven�t heard of before, dislocated my entire pelvis. How fun is that? The pelvis dislocation is what has been causing most of my muscle spasms, especially in my right hip, as my muscles struggle to keep me from leaning to the side when my bone structure is telling them that�s where I should be. But everything is gradually moving back into place and I feel the improvement. I get into trouble when I forget that I was injured and I do too much. But it�s just nice to be able to live a little again.
So, I shall end this now, go fix a little breakfast (probably just reheat some barley with some pork and carrots I made the other day) and then head back to my heating pad, which has become my constant sleeping companion. But I just knew it was time for an update and if I put it off any longer, I would start getting phone calls (yes, you know who you are). So, there you go, and I didn�t just settle for a �Hi, I�m alive� update either, I gave you the full scoop (you lucky devils!). I�ll try not to wait so long in between updates, it�s just that life is pretty full right now and so just know that if I�m not updating, it�s probably a good thing.
