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Empty birthday cakes with suicidal shovels
2009-03-05, 1:10 p.m.

I realized something else about emptiness as I see my calendar and days fill with activities: meetings, classes, Dr. appointments, job search, life search! I used to require large blocks of empty time, or all week of empty time. I needed the empty space to get high. I needed the time to spend with my drugs instead of living.

Before my rampant drug use, I enjoyed my busy life: the weekends spent exploring Southern California, the time spent writing, reading, going to my book club, interacting with friends on the internet, talking to friends on the phone, making new friends, spending actual time with friends (a theme perhaps on friendship, of which I am in need right now). My active life kept me healthy but it also let me know I was living. I knew I could die without regret because I was sucking the marrow from the bone of life. And it was goooood.

I am starting to fill life back up. A part of me is fearful; I think to myself "wait, I might need that time to do nothing and lay around in a stupor". And then I remember what the stupor brought me - nothing. It took away things and didn't bring anything back to the table, except rotting, putrefying food.

I don't want to live a life rotting away in the dark recesses of my room and psyche. I want to live. I want to have a full life, one with enough time to work and be productive, have positive relationships, have a positive impact in the world and on the people around me, see the sights, learn, explore, live.

As my calendar fills, wish me well.

Now for a few bits of randomness:

Have you ever been to a party where there was a beautiful cake and you couldn't wait to eat it? Have you ever gone to a bakery or candy store and seen these amazing looking treats? Now have you ever tasted any of these to find out they were, well, just not that tasty? I have too many times

Right now, I am not spending my time on my own physical attractiveness. I would rather work on having a tasty inside than on a beautiful outside. When the inside is beautiful, the outside radiates in a way that is glorious.

One thing that is interesting to me about recovery: we come to recovery through the chaos in our lives that we create. Then later, as we are actually in recovery (there must be a point where we have recovered, they say it isn't ever over, but if you start a process, there must be a finish line, eh?), "working recovery" as they say, though I'm not fond of trite catch phrases, we stray from our recovery because of the chaos in our lives. We seek that escape that the "addiction of choice" granted us at first, forgetting that it will not correct the chaos in our lives but only create more, perhaps permanent, chaos.

I was driving near my parents house the other day. There is an area where a major street intersected with some railroad tracks at a very busy intersection. The city planners are building the street so that it crosses over the railroad tracks but due to the close proximity of the major cross street, they have to build it like a freeway with on-ramps and off-ramps and such. It has been raining off and on here in Southern California; this point is relevant. I was stopped at a light, about to drive under the overpass (ooh, next time I want to be on top!), construction had paused due to the rain and the semi-constructed overpass was empty of the worker-ants it had the day before. I noticed, hanging on a cord from one of the construction rails, a shovel, with a cord in its handle attached to one of the rails, hanging with the shovel part down. I wondered, was this shovel suicide? Or perhaps shovel lynching? I'm not sure. But either one must be significant in the Southern California construction lifestyle, I believe.

Why do people ask if something makes their butt look big? If you have a big butt, then yes, it will make your butt look big. Everything will make your butt look big. Make peace with your big butt, find someone to be with who loves your big butt (they are out there, my big butt is always surrounded by admirers) and you won't have to ask that question anymore. Yes, the pants do make your butt look big and isn't that fabulous?

I've been realizing lately, if you want to be a writer, a professional one, don't we all, those of us who write, then we need to just start writing for ourselves. If you have an idea for something, write it because you love the idea, not because you want someone to buy it. Build a library of your own work, then when the opportunity presents itself, you are ready.

Take heed the above, this is my life. Love you all.






Daddy's gone - 2009-08-10
- - 2009-06-13
Bald Spots - 2009-03-25
Empty birthday cakes with suicidal shovels - 2009-03-05
Emptiness - 2009-03-03

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