I sit here in this struggle. I cannot sleep because the pain in my neck and back is so severe. I have taken all the drugs I can take without knocking me out for hours. There are other pain medicines I can take, but taking those means I won�t be able to go to work tomorrow.
It�s 3:21 AM. If I take the other medicine now, I will be relieved of pain and fall asleep. But how long will I sleep? Will I sleep to long to call in sick? And is it weird to call in sick at 3:21 in the morning? I think it is. I�ve done it, because I�ve had to.
There�s a certain point where I reach that I know I�m not going to fall asleep until I take the more advanced pain medicine. But I put it off because I know that I WANT to work the next day. And if I take it, I won�t be able to.
And frankly, I feel guilty that I can�t work. I don�t think anyone feels guilty when they have to take a 6 week leave for surgery (I know I never did), but the intermittent leave, no one understands it. Yes, I am sick. But some days, I can work. So I work the days I can and I don�t work the days that I can�t. But it just makes me look lazy, like I�m calling in sick for no reason. No one is here with me, feeling the pain of my back and neck, feeling my inability to hold my head up, no one knows but me what is going on inside my body.
I write this, though it hurts me to hold my head up, because I cannot sleep until these words are said. Someone has to know that I feel guilty. That I�m not making this up, that I�m not faking it to get out of work. So now, you all know.
