It�s midnight and I�m still awake. I�m tired and could probably be asleep if I even tried. Earlier in the day, going to bed sounded so great, something I was looking forward to, but as a decent bedtime neared (decent in that going to bed before 9 just feels somehow wrong, though I�m known to do it all the time), I just couldn�t. I occupied myself with Gilmore Girls DVD�s and then finishing a book. Inside I felt (feel actually, I still feel it) restless. Parts of the DVD�s made me cry. Parts of the book made me cry. I�m tired, I�m sad and I�m restless.
Generally, these three qualities lead me to seek sleep like a hungry dog seeks the food bowl, but tonight, I seem to be avoiding it. I couldn�t figure out why and then it suddenly hit me. I�m afraid. I�m afraid of tomorrow (which it actually already is, but it never really feels like tomorrow until you sleep and wake up). I�m afraid of what tomorrow, or a series of tomorrows may bring. The world just seems like a scary place and I am afraid of it. Good things are out there waiting but bad things too. I don�t have the energy to sift through the sand of life to find the gems caught in the grains.
I don�t write much because I feel like I have so little to say. Even inside me, my feelings seem so odd and hard to explain to myself. I get up in the morning (most mornings, when I�m not gripped by pain), go to work, try not to make mistakes, make them anyways, fret over them until I�m all freaked out, have a little �chat� with my boss, try even harder and then make mistakes because I�m trying so hard or so far behind and trying to catch up that I�m just doing things too fast. After that, I come home to my empty room where I �entertain� myself until a decent bedtime arrives. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Life scares me because I don�t know where it�s all going, and I don�t like where I�m at and what if it takes me somewhere even worse? I wanted to write a nice happy entry about going to the county fair with Brian and seeing Seal in concert and eating deep-fried oreos and having the couple next to us tell us we are the most adorable couple ever. It was a good night, a night without fear, without sadness, just a night of living. I know there are more nights like that out there, but I know there are also nights like this, sitting alone, eaten up by feelings that I cannot name, being afraid of what life will bring next.
I have no plans this weekend, which scares me, because it means I have nothing to distract me, no way to get my mind off the runaway train to despair. Truly, the only thing in life that holds my interest much is the Gilmore Girls DVDs, but it�ll be a couple of days before I get the next batch from Netflix. I should be asleep, I have to get up really early and drive to �the valley� (you know, from the movie and everything) for an audit where I already know they�re going to fail, and it�s their second fail so the next step is the ugly step and they aren�t going to be happy about it, but still, I sit here typing, not finishing this entry that really could have ended long ago, because then what? No DVDs, no book, no diary entry, I�d have to face sleep.
Okay, I�m going to do it� I�m going to go to bed. If I never fall asleep, the day will still come and bring whatever shit it intends to bring.
