I�ve been just losing it for the last few days. It seems like every area of my life has some sort of shit going down so that no matter where I turn, I hit some kind of wall or I am confronted with some item that stresses me out. Things at work have been crazy and I�ve been totally butting heads with a co-worker. My boss was out on leave and the co-worker was stirring everyone up into a frenzy about some horrible thing that I had supposedly done. Then when my boss came back, she didn�t really address it right away but brought up other stuff, about deadlines I�m missing and that sort of thing.
So last night, it just all built up and I fell apart. It�s just been too much lately and I couldn�t take it. My nerves were just off the charts and I was in full blown panic/anxiety mode. On Tuesday, I could barely sleep, seems like I woke up every 20 minutes or so. I was so tired yesterday I thought I would drop right off but when I tried to sleep, the whole world just kept smacking me in the face. I was worried about the stress with my co-workers, about falling behind in my work, about a million other things in different areas of my life, about my health, about the grieving, about the fact that all my good friends are in different time zones and I had no one to call.
After a couple of hours of crying, I finally calmed myself down by just thinking of all my �happy places�, all my happy memories from the last two years. I just went through them one by one. I started with my favorite happy place: My nephew was 2 days old and I went by the hospital on my way to work to see him. I just had to see him everyday. When I walked in the room, my sister was sleeping and my brother in law was holding a screaming baby with that glazed-new parent look. I picked up Anthony and asked why he was screaming and Eric informed me that he had just been circumcised� So I just cuddled and held him (Anthony, not Eric) and started patting his butt and he just quieted right up and fell asleep and I just sat there holding a sleeping newborn. Favorite Happy Place Ever.
I finally fell asleep at 4 in the morning. It took forever to get there and my sleep was still restless. I had to drag myself back from the panic and hurt so many times. When I woke up this morning, I was lying flat on my back, my arms bent, both hands folded together and resting over my heart.
