You know how when you are listening to a CD and it has a scratch so it starts skipping? And how even sometimes it gets stuck so you can�t advance it to the next song? That�s sort of what it is like when you have OCD. A thought enters your head and it just keeps replaying and replaying and despite the fact that you recognize that, and want to stop the thought, you just can�t hit the button and forward your brain to the next thought. It�s aggravating and exhausting. It�s also compelling because the thought is usually something that requires action, like straightening out a shirt hanging in the closet, adjusting a pillow on the bed, washing your hands, etc. You sit there thinking, this is ridiculous, the world is not going to end if I don�t wash my hands. But then you can�t get the thought out of your head. You go around in circles: I need to wash my hands, I need to wash my hands, this is stupid, my hands are fine, no I need to wash my hands. An hour, a minute, any length of time passes and you realize that you won�t have any peace until you wash your hands. So you surrender. And then the thought is gone. It�s like a wave of peace. A new song can play.
I have an aversion to old metal. When I used to be a preschool teacher, we had toys that were locked up outside. There was a lock on the cupboard that was old and the metal on the cupboard that housed the lock was rusty. I have a problem touching rusty metal. Actually, I have a problem LOOKING at rusty metal. You know the fingernails on the chalkboard feeling? It�s kind of like that. Only worse. When I see rusty metal, I get an image in my head of finger bones being held against a metal grinder, like the kind you would use to grind down a piece of metal and file it to a point. After that image enters my mind, chills take over my body, especially my spine. I would sit outside with my kids, looking at the lock, thinking how I needed to get the toys out. Then I would imagine touching the metal and I would think, no, I can�t touch that. After about 30 minutes of going round and round, feeling guilty that my kids didn�t have toys, I would get up and open the cupboard. Afterwards, I would have a gritty feeling on my hands. My hands felt icky and I wanted to wash them. But then I would go around and around about how stupid that was. I would rub them on my pants, wipe them in the sand, anything to get that gritty feeling off of my mind. Nothing would work until I finally would get up, go inside and wash my hands. Then I was fine and I could proceed with the rest of the day � until it was time to put the toys away.
I hated that I was a slave to this. It started with just touching metal, but soon progressed to the point where I can�t even look at rusty or old metal. Just looking at it I get that gritty feeling on my hands. Sometimes, I even taste metal or have a gritty feeling in my teeth. It�s all alleviated when I wash my hands though. There�s no rational explanation for it, but there it is. Just as you cannot stop a CD from skipping, I have not been able to stop this cycle. I cannot look at a car or truck on the freeway that has old metal on it, rusty bumpers, etc. If that car is near me on the freeway, I almost cannot think. I am psychologically compelled to position myself in such a way that I do not have to view this particular car. If I don�t, my mind is barraged with images of the fingers on a grinder.
The thing about obsessions/compulsions is that they grow. They start with something small and they grow and grow until they are giant monsters that take over your life.
First it was cars with old metal. It soon became old cars in general. Now it is so so so much more. With most of these (except the metal), I don�t get the feeling of fingers on a grinder, but I do get this compulsion to remove that car from my line of vision. Some of the cars I cannot have in front of me: old cars (an old car that is clean and shiny is mostly okay, it�s the old cars that have the dull paint that bother me), cars with too many bumper stickers, cars/trucks that seem out of proportion (for example, I was driving behind a small truck the other day with a camper but the camper was oversize and stuck up about a foot above the cab of the truck, or a camper that is not the right size for the truck bed), large trucks like delivery trucks, motorhomes, semis, minivans.
If I am behind one of these vehicles, it is like I am offended. I feel that they do not have the right to be in front of me. I can�t stand to look at them yet I am simultaneously obsessed with looking at them and unable to focus on anything but the features that offend me. I recognize that it is ridiculous but I feel powerless over these thoughts. I can only alleviate them by changing lanes. In fact, I would rather be in a slower lane than look at one of these cars/trucks. My preference is to get in front of them, but that is not always possible. Sometimes, I am relieved when another car gets in between them and me, or I may even change lanes long enough to let a few cars in between us. Once they are removed from my line of vision, my blood pressure can return to normal and I can once again relax in my car and enjoy the music.
Help! It�s almost as if aliens temporarily take over my brain.
