It�s so strange to me. I�m the one that initiated the break-up but I had no idea how sad it was going to make me. In the last few months, we�ve really only seen each other a few times and I found that emotionally, I�d been pulling back a lot. But I think I still wasn�t really prepared for the reality of it all, for the reality of how much it would hurt to think he wasn�t in my life at all, that I can�t talk to him, that I won�t be seeing him. It�s too much for me to absorb, the idea of forever, so I just try to get through each day, telling myself it�s just today that I won�t be seeing him and not even trying to wrap my mind around the rest of it. I just realized that March 23rd was the 4 year anniversary of our first date and it�s been 5 � years since we first met. I guess it makes sense that it would be so hard, he�s been in my life such a long time.
Mostly, I�m just trying to stay busy. After last week of not sleeping, I�m really tired and my energy level is low but it means that I�m sleeping better. Saturday night, I slept 10 hours. Sunday night was hard for me to sleep again but last night I fell asleep shortly after 9 PM. Friday night, I went to see a hockey game with some of my co-workers. The Ducks won and it was an exciting game to watch. As the playoffs get closer, the teams are a lot more aggressive on the ice. Isn�t that the fun part of hockey anyway?
Saturday, I helped a family friend put together a scrapbook for her baby. Her baby is 4 months old and I got to hold her most of the day. There�s just something about holding a baby that makes everything okay, or better. Her baby was born in November and her husband left for Iraq in January so it gives me some perspective. No matter how hard things are right now, there are people going through things that are worse. They live in South Carolina but she brought her baby to California to live with her parents while he is deployed.
Sunday, I went to an art museum with my friend Jana. We went to the Norton Simon Museum of art. What�s amazing to me is that I have had to opportunity to see so many great artists in person. Not only at this museum, but at museum�s in Washington DC, New York, Paris. There are so many people who go their whole lives and never gaze at the work of art of a Master. My favorites at this particular museum were a Mulberry Tree by Van Gogh, some of the sculptures of women by Degas and a portrait of a woman by Picasso. The thing I liked about the Degas statues is that they were real women. These weren�t skinny perfect women but women with stomachs and thighs and yet they were so beautiful.
On the way to the museum, we had to drive through downtown LA, the worst parts of it too... Right when we hit downtown, I had to pee like crazy, my bladder was going to burst. I had to pee and traffic was barely moving. So we had to get off... right in downtown where there is no place to stop, no McDonald's or Starbucks or anything but I was dying. So I tried one place, just pulled over on the street and Jana sat in the car. But downtown is pretty much known for having to hide their bathrooms from homeless people so there was no luck. We saw this park like area with a parking structure underneath and thought there might be a bathroom in the park. At first we didn't go because you had to pay to park there, but then Jana said, just do it, it will be worth it. The parking garage ended up having a bathroom which we could use because we parked there so finally I got some relief. I totally hate my bladder sometimes. That was the best $1.75 I ever spent.
In a week from today, I will be 38! That is so hard to believe. I don�t feel 38. I don�t feel like I have the lifestyle of someone who is 38. Most of the time, I feel like I�m just playing at being a grown up. I�ve really had to redefine what it means to be 38 and how life can look differently for each person and I�m teaching myself not to judge my life in comparison to what other people have. It is hard, but ultimately the only way to go. There isn�t a cookie-cutter for life, everyone�s life is different with different influences and ways of finding happiness.
Carrie sent me a big package for my birthday. It arrived last Friday and she told me not to open it until my birthday. Can you believe that she expects me to look at a package for a week and a half and not open it?!?!? Actually, she told me that if I need a little pick-me-up, I can open it early but I kind of like having it there unopened, it gives me something to look forward to and I need some of that right now.
Saturday night, I�ll be going to a concert with some friends and family to celebrate my birthday. My sister is the lead female vocalist in a band: JetLag and they play at a local bar every couple of months. They recently returned from a big �gig� in Orlando where they played for several thousand people. My sister is enjoying her mid-life crisis and finding a fun way to try on a new life. The band is pretty good, they mostly play covers of all kinds of stuff from country to alternative to oldies. They also have a few original songs that they play. Sunday, I�ll be going to dinner with my family and just a few friends. Last year, I really felt the need to celebrate my life and I was excited about my birthday and where my life was going. This year, it just seems more like something to get through � with presents though. LOL.
I actually have plans for the next few weekends and I�m glad for that. I just need to stay busy. Afternoons/evenings when I get home from work seem to be the hardest. I just try to take it hour by hour, watch TV, read a book, chat with friends and I get through it. In the end, that�s all you can do, that and try to find the little things in life that bring you some joy.
