There�s a reason I have chosen the picture that is in my template. There�s a reason why it�s been a part of every template that I�ve had here and a reason why it always hangs in my room.
I took that picture in July 1996 in a park on Lake Michigan in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. If I had to flee my room in a fire, I think I would grab that picture.
Shortly after I was fired from my job as a preschool teacher, my friend Cari died. I have already written about Cari, how much she meant to me and how devastated I was by her death. These two episodes triggered a deep depression that was accompanied by some psychosis. I was cutting and injuring myself daily. My heart held no joy, hope, love. I was shutting down.
In addition to the despair that I was feeling, I was also jobless. Because of my compromised health and the frequent contact with germs, I decided that continuing in childcare was not for me. I had chosen that field because it gave me a sense of purpose, though it did not really provide me a valid way to support myself (hello low wages). I enjoyed caring for people�s children. I liked the knowledge that they felt better about going to work knowing that their children were with me. I provided love and nurturing and safety for the world�s most precious resource.
When I began looking for a new job, I was trying to find a job that would draw on that same sense of purpose. Something that would give me satisfaction and not just an income. I had decided that I wanted to work in healthcare in customer service. I felt that I had the skills to do this job, even though I had not technically held a customer service position prior to this. At the time, my mom was working as an independent consultant teaching a class on customer service. She traveled through the US and Canada teaching these classes. Shortly after losing my job, she was going to Wisconsin to teach two classes and invited me to come along. She was able to trade in some frequent flyer miles and I would stay in the hotels with her. She was teaching two 2-day classes. I would attend one of these classes and then have the other two days to explore.
After I had attended my class, we switched cities from Appleton to Milwaukee. My mom had a cousin in Milwaukee so we met her and her family at her house and then went to dinner. When we went to dinner, I remember we drove through a part of Milwaukee that looked really interesting. There was a used book store that looked promising for a bibliophile like myself, and I also noticed a wooded park near Lake Michigan. I mentally noted the cross streets promising myself that I would return the next day to explore the area a bit. Growing up, I loved maps. I could sit and stare at a map for hours. So in order to get around a new area, I just needed some street names and a map. I had the map, I was good to go.
The next morning, my mom went off to class and I prepared for my day of exploring. I had wanted to go to downtown Milwaukee to look at the buildings and some antique shops that we had seen there. Then after that, I planned to go to the area near the lake and to the bookstore. One important thing to note, this was my very first time in Milwaukee. And second thing to note, I had not been doing the driving the previous night, my mom�s cousin drove us to the restaurant.
I woke up and set out on my adventure. The area of downtown was just a little bit down the freeway from our hotel so I didn�t need the map to get there. I drove downtown, parked and wandered around, taking pictures of the buildings, admiring the art in the windows. As you have probably guessed from reading previous entries, I love to take pictures. I found a caf� and grabbed some lunch.
During periods of depression, I find myself most impressed by my ability to spend time with myself. At certain points during the weeks prior, I had been alone and frazzled. I was frantically cutting, trying to bleed the pain out of my soul. I was afraid to be alone because the feelings were so strong, so overwhelming that I didn�t know what to do with them. I think that�s one reason this day impressed me so much. There I was in a strange city, and I had no fear of exploring it on my own. I felt so empowered.
After lunch, I got back in the car with the intention of finding the bookstore and the park. I went to get the map out to chart my course and then quickly discovered I did not bring the map with me. The hotel was about 10 miles to the west. Where I wanted to go was in the other direction. I was ready to explore and was afraid that if I returned to the hotel, I would not leave again. So I just set out on my own.
Trusting my sense of direction, I began driving the city streets towards where I felt that the park had been. I would drive in that general direction and if the street ended or forked, I made a decision as to which way to go. Making turns right and left, I followed a northeastern course through the city. I had no fear of getting lost. Though I did not know any of the street names and had no idea if I was going the right way, I did not fear. I was just exploring and felt sure that if I didn�t find my destination, I would at least be able to find my way back to the hotel. Instead of fear, I felt excitement.
After driving for about 45 minutes, I soon found myself on one of the street names that I recognized from the night before. Very soon after, I found the bookstore. I felt exalted, not only had I struck out in a city that I had never been in before, I did it without a map or any concrete knowledge of where I was and where I was going. And I achieved what I had set out to do � I had found the bookstore and the park.
After looking through the bookstore and buying a few books, I set out for the park. I soon found a trail that led through the woods and to the shore of the lake. I took pictures as I walked the path. Though I had taken several photography classes as a teenager, I had trouble remembering some of the fine details of aperture vs. shutter speed, etc. When I set out to play around and take pictures, I often varied the aperture and shutter speed and then just hoped I got some good shots in the mix somewhere. I was usually rewarded with enough success to keep me going with this method. I took pictures of the trees, the shoreline, the boats out on the lake. And then I turned to leave and looked up at the stairs behind me.
I call the picture �The Invitation� because it invites me to live a life of wonder, to take a risk, to seek out beauty, to trust my instincts. That day was about all of those things for me. I was seeking a new path in life and trying to find my way. The picture perfectly captures this for me. The stairway is inviting me to walk up, I see the beauty of the path, but I don�t know what is at the top.
