It�s been about 18 months since I had my hernia repaired. A hernia is basically a tear in the muscle that is directly below your skin which creates a hole. Whatever is under that muscle can, depending on the size of the hole, come through the hole and protrude. My hernia was caused by the original incision of the muscle when I had my gastric bypass surgery. The hole in my muscle was about 4 inches long and my intestines would frequently pop through the muscle. To repair the hernia, they sew up the hole, but in order to prevent it from reoccurring, they place a few square inches (in my case, at least 5 or 6 to cover the gap) of mesh over the incision and sew it into the muscle. The initial pain from the surgery is a direct result of having your muscle sewn up and also from the mesh being sewn into it. The pain lingers though as your muscle grows around the mesh. While it is healing, even small movements are painful as you can feel the muscle pulling on the mesh. Even now, that part of my stomach muscle hurts more than other stomach muscles. If you were to feel the muscle, it feels different too, lumpy and harder as a result of growing into and around the mesh.
When I woke up from the hernia surgery, my discomfort had more to do with the anesthesia than any pain. I remember the nurse was helping me get dressed about an hour after (it was outpatient surgery) and I was just sitting up and moving around and using my stomach muscles like it was no big deal. The local anesthetic was still working so it did not hurt. It was several hours later, as the local anesthetic wore off, that I realized how much pain I was in and it hit me that I had just had my stomach muscles sewn into. There are all these movements that we make that use our stomach muscles. You don�t even realize how many until your stomach muscles are injured or damaged in some way. When the local anesthetic wore off, I quickly learned that I did NOT want to use my stomach muscles, it was simply to painful. I had to learn new ways to get up out of bed, lift things. And there were some things I just couldn�t bring myself to do like cough or fart. A few times I sneezed and it was so painful that I had to just lay there for about 10 minutes after until the pain abated.
Though my hernia has now healed, I will always be aware of my stomach muscle. Anytime I tighten that muscle, I feel the scar tissue and the mesh pulling on it. It is more sensitive to pain as well. A workout that wouldn�t strain a normal stomach muscle causes a good deal of pain in mine. I feel it when I laugh too much, cry too hard, move the wrong way. Once the scar tissue forms, the muscle is never the same again.
Sometimes, I think that the part of us that loves is like a muscle. The more we use it, the stronger it gets. When it is injured, we have to take care of it. There are moments sometimes when it is numb and we use it without thinking, only to have the numbness wear off and become aware of the pain. When it is hurting, damaged, injured, we have to find ways of living that don�t use that part of us. When it heals, it leaves scar tissue. It is never the same. I am also more cautious with my stomach muscles, because I don�t want to tear the mesh or cause the hernia to reoccur.
I think the last week of my life, that part of me that loves has been under a local anesthetic. I�ve been numb, not feeling the loss of someone that I love. Last night, we took care of some of the unfinished business of ending a 3 year relationship. And after that, the anesthetic was gone and I was suddenly so aware of how I was hurting, how damaged that muscle is right now. I also realized that 3 of the people who were so much a part of my life 6 months ago are now not really in my life at all � Brian, Char and Danny. It made me feel like I don�t want to love any more. I don�t want to let anyone in. The pain is too great. I can�t imagine ever using this muscle again and taking the risk of experiencing this pain. And for now, as it heals, I�m trying to find ways of not using this muscle.
A big part of me just wants to withdraw from the world, shut out the remaining connections I have with people, stop loving, stop connecting. I remember feeling this way several years ago (almost 10 years ago to be exact) when my friend Cari died. I pushed everyone that I cared about out of my life. I thought it was better to be alone than to risk feeling that sort of pain. It took nearly a year to actually feel any emotion resembling love. If my nephew hadn�t been born, I might not have. But he was just such a sweet baby and I couldn�t help myself! Of course, the fear was still there, I would often lie awake at night in fear that anything would happen to him. He was the only one I could love for a while.
I�m tired of the way life is, the way people come in and out of our lives so frequently. The way we so often have no control over it. Danny left the state. Char entered a new relationship. For reasons I don�t fully understand, Brian started pushing me out of his life until I finally just gave up and quit. I look at the people who remain, and a big part of me thinks it might be easier to just lose them all now than to have to risk losing them later down the line. I can�t imagine loving anyone, connecting with anyone right now. Because I know that people aren�t in our lives permanently. We have no claim to them. And frequently, as with these three, we have no control over when they leave us.
I cried for hours last night (aggravating my stomach muscles, I could feel them pulling on the mesh). Every spot in my room, every place in my life, has some memory, some association with Brian. I couldn�t lay in bed because of all the memories we have there. I contemplated why we are alive, what is the purpose of all of this. I had no answers. I cried until I was exhausted and then I cried some more. I slept 3 hours last night, finally falling asleep at 1 and then waking at 4 unable to go back to sleep. From the time I woke up Sunday night/Monday morning at 2:30 AM and couldn�t get back to sleep, until now, I have had 13 hours of sleep. So in 4 days, a total of 96 hours, I have slept 13. I am wiped out beyond belief. I�m not sure how I am even still functioning.
