Last night was a hard night for me. It�s been a hard morning too. Sometimes, there are just things you know are best but it doesn�t make them easier to do. Last night I broke up with Brian. And not in a �let�s be friends while we take a break from dating each other and still talk and occasionally see each other and eventually be right back where we are today� sort of way. It was final. I mean, we left the door open in the event that major changes in our lives occur and we find ourselves ready for a relationship, but it was definitely an ending.
I know this news leaves some people screaming �Yay!� but it was hard for me to do. I�ve known him for over 5 years, been dating him for over 2 � years. We�ve been through so much together and overcome so many obstacles that it seems hard to believe there are things we can�t overcome. I really love him, in a way that maybe other people wouldn�t be able to and there was always a little part of me that expected to be together forever. Even on our first official date, when I hadn�t decided how much I liked him, there was this voice in my head that said �I think this is the one you are going to be with forever�. I told the voice to shut up because I wasn�t sure I liked him beyond the fact that I enjoyed his company. The voice didn�t really shut up and 1 � years later, we were a couple. When I fell in love, I fell fast and hard and loved without regret.
The breakup was gentle, it was initiated by me but it seemed we both felt like it was the right thing to do. The timing on his side wasn�t that great and usually I would have let that go, saying we�ll discuss this another day. But when I do that, we usually just end up right back together and right in the same place. So I didn�t, I said my goodbyes. I was not mean or cruel. Even when he said I�d be better off without him, I told him not to denigrate himself and that I would ignore that remark. It was all very adult.
But the calm and adult side was really just a cover up for all the emotions that roiled inside of both of us. We said our goodbyes and then separated to experience our pain alone. Which, I guess, is what you are supposed to do.
I wrote a little about it here earlier this morning, in a more eloquent and symbolic fashion if you want to read it�. Letters To Myself
Anyway, send me some love so I can get through this day. I already cried a little in front of a co-worker and I hate showing my pain in public. I brought in my music to distract me and I have some work to get involved in to take my mind off of things. I�m trying to think of some little thing that I can do to pamper myself� something inexpensive (like under $50). I don�t want it to be about, oh, you are in pain so go on a shopping spree, just want to do a little something for myself. I have recently had a pedicure so my toes are good. I hate manicures. Massages cost more than $50� any suggestions? I was thinking about buying myself some pretty earrings. Something non-essential but fun and sparkly. Any other ideas?
