I think about how we have five senses, I isolate each sense and reflect on it. How perfect are our bodies to be able to experience so much�
Smell:
I can always tell when I�m near the beach because of the smell of salt in the air
The vanilla and brown sugar of chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven
The clean air after the rain
Tasting the intricacies between a honeycrisp apple versus a pink lady apple
Christmas trees
Taste:
The slight bite and sweetness of coke
The mingling of chocolate with cookie in a chocolate chip cookie
Dove Dark Chocolate
The salt of a perfectly fried potato chip
Cheese!
Touch:
The soft skin of a baby
Your lover�s face
Holding hands
New flannel pajamas
Feathers on my cheek
Hearing:
The sound of a loved one�s voice calling to say hi
A guitar riff
Waves crashing on the shore
Musicmusicmusicmusicmusic
A child�s laughter
Sight:
When you look into a valley and see the fog settling in amongst the trees like a blanket
The chubby legs of a toddler learning to run
Peering into the eyes of someone you love
Fall colors
Fresh snow covering the landscape and cloaking the world in innocence
Our senses not only allow us to experience the beauty and richness of life, they are also part of our early warning system. Leprosy is an often misunderstood disease. The disease is stereotyped by the image of limbs falling off, but what it really is is a disease where you have lost your sense of touch. Because you cannot feel when you, say, get a nail in your foot, you cannot feel pain, you cannot feel that something is wrong. Infection sets in, become gangrenous and eventually the limb may fall off. Our sense of touch (or the physical sensation of �feeling�) alerts us when something is wrong. Smells, sounds, sights, tastes, these were all protective at one point. The bitter taste often alerted people of poisonous plants. Our hearing allows us to hear sirens, traffic, and get out of the way.
Our sense also connect us to other people. We hear the tone in their voice, see the expression on their face, feel their muscles go rigid when upset or soften when relaxed. Now that the computer age has taken over, speaking with people through Instant Messenger, we can really see how much we lose when all we have are the words. The intonation, the emotion is so hard to guess. We use all five senses when we communicate (well, maybe not taste, I don�t taste everyone I know, I save that for a special few)
Our senses also connect us based on shared experience. I say the word sunset and we can all close our eyes and picture the colors, the amazing beauty of the layers of color. Laughter, just thinking about the sound of someone laughing and I smile. It�s universal to those of us who hear.
What if you were asked to give up one of these senses? Which one would you pick?
Really? Are you sure?
What if you could only have 1 sense? Which one would you pick?
I always think of sight. Because not only does sight allow us glimpses of great beauty, but it provides independence. The ability to drive to the store on a whim, take a road trip, work. I�m not saying that if you are blind you cannot work, but there are some jobs that are just not possible for you � like say, mine.
I�ve learned a bit about the sense of sight in the last few days. For example, the optic nerve is comprised of many nerve cells and basically, it looks like this:
The yellow area represents individual nerve cells. Let�s just say that each pixel of color represents a nerve cell. The normal optic nerve is sort of shaped like a bowtie and filled with yellow.
The optic nerve cell in my right eye looks like this:
What? You don�t see much yellow? Me either.
My left one looks slightly better, but still has more white than yellow.
The Ophthalmologist tells me it�s one of 2 things: a tumor or growth on my pituitary gland or early onset glaucoma.
I was hoping for option number 3: probably nothing but we�ll just run some tests to find out for sure.
I didn�t get option number three. I got only a tumor or glaucoma on my list of choices.
So anyways�
Yesterday, my day started out like this:
I had bad dreams about work from 2 AM to 5 AM when I had to get up. Upon leaving my house in the early morning darkness, I fell down the stairs landing primarily on my left knee. After laying on the cement and crying for several minutes, I contemplated getting out my cell phone and calling my sleeping parents to help me get up (because yes, it was that bad). But I am fiercely independent (usually to my own detriment) and said, just get the f*ck up Janet. So I managed to do that � get up. At that point, I knew right away I needed some medical attention. However, I had extremely pressing work waiting for me at my office (so pressing that it was apparently causing me to dream about it) and I HAD to go to work. Had. To. I limped to my car. I drove to work in pain and tears.
You know how when you have an accident of some kind, you normally don�t feel the pain for about 12 to 24 hours? I felt it right away and I just knew that if it was that bad immediately, I was in for some bad times.
So, I got to work and attended to my pressing items. My boss came in a bit after I arrived and remarked, upon opening her own calendar for the day, that I was leaving early (for the previously scheduled ophthalmology appointment). And I said, yes, but actually, I need to leave earlier than that. I then explained what happened and how I needed emergency treatment. It wasn�t hard to justify, I was limping around and my knee was already bruised and swollen up like a large head of cabbage. Someone shoved a throw pillow under my patella, or so it appeared.
Off to the ER for some treatment. A lovely shot of valium alleviated the wrenching pain in my back (who knew that valium is a very effective muscle relaxer?). Some xrays alleviated the fear of a broken patella. (Patella = kneecap, I just like using fancy doctor-like words. I�m going blind � cut me some slack, eh?) So no permanent damage done, just a hell of a lot of pain. At the time, I hoped that was the worst of my day, but that was still to come.
I have already talked about the worst of my day yesterday (which involves my very artistic graphic above) so I won�t get back to it. Tonight anyway. I am sure I�ll talk more of it in the days to come as we sort it all out. And no, it�s not really like I�m going blind anytime soon, or maybe even ever (if they can treat me and there are various reasons why that may be challenging as I have special circumstances � to be elaborated on in later entries as well). I had an MRI previously scheduled for Saturday (for a different problem � persistent headaches) and apparently that�s the next step in this whole optic nerve discovery process so at least I�m already on my way to getting some additional information.
What is true and known right now is that I have 50-70% nerve loss in my right optic nerve and 30-40% nerve loss in my left eye. Surprisingly and due to the power of the brain, you can actually lose significant nerve cells before experiencing noticeable vision loss. I have not actually lost vision yet. But those nerve cells are gone forever. They are never coming back. If left untreated, it would be only a matter of a year or two before I lost my vision entirely.
I�m still in shock. I might stay in shock for a while. I wish that shock = a day spent on the beach watching the sunset and listening to the waves while eating dove dark chocolate, holding the hand of the one I love and smelling the pheromones of that same love.
