High School.
I just say the words and people just know�. They just get this feeling inside. Even people who enjoyed high school when it was happening tend not to desire to go back.
I wasn�t part of the �in� crowd for most of high school. In fact, I had very few real friends. By my junior year, I did manage to hang out with some cool peeps, but though I hung with them, I never really felt like I was part of their gang.
If you weren�t part of the in crowd, people didn�t really notice you or care too much about what was going on in your world. Popular girl # 1, we�ll call her Tiffany, could show up with a hang nail and everyone was all over her� oh Tiffany, we�re so sorry you have a hang nail. Can I carry your books for you? That�s so horrible. I�m so sorry, what can I do? Let me call you later and make sure you are handling this hang nail okay. Blah blah blah.
Or Tiffany could show up with a different color shoe lace one day. Oh Tiffany, you are so fabulous, I love that shoelace. You are so wonderful. Thank you for blessing our world with your presence.
I�m starting to feel like I�m 14 years old again. I hate that I feel this way. I�m embarrassed that I feel this way. This entry might not even stay up because just putting these feelings out there make me queasy. But I have to do it. If I try to keep these words inside of me any longer, I�ll vomit. Or cry. Actually both. Actually, I�ve been crying anyway. And I�ll continue to cry even when these words do get out. But crying never killed anyone. Not that anyone knows about at any rate.
In the last few days, diaryland has made me feel like I�m back in high school. And this just makes me feel stupid and childish and it�s all embarrassing. I read a lot of diaries. I see a lot of things. Some things are truly tragic. Some things just feel tragic at the moment. I get that. It�s our space to write, to talk about our lives. We do it for ourselves. But we do get something from the shared community we have created. The feedback, comments, guestbook entries, they all help us deal with our minor and major tragedies.
Two days ago I posted an entry. I found out that I have begun losing my eyesight. Right now they�re trying to find out why and then when they know why, they�ll see if they can treat it. Both potential causes are equally frightening and scary for me. Although glaucoma can be treated in most patients, my doctor already told me that it will be extremely difficult/impossible to treat in my case for assorted reasons. So I have a choice between having a brain tumor or probably going blind in my lifetime, possibly in the next few years.
I�m sorry, but this is very overwhelming for me. Neither option is appealing. And I�m scared and angry and sad and freaked out. And so very alone.
I know sometimes it�s hard to know what to say when someone has bad news. I�ve been on both ends of this. But I know that even saying �I don�t know what to say� is more comforting to someone than saying nothing.
And here�s where the 14 year old Janet comes out: People read about my news, my accident that took me to the ER, my potential brain tumor/blindness. But I�m not Tiffany with a hang nail so nobody gives a fucking shit. It�s stupid. This diary is really for me. It�s my place to write and get my shit out. And writing does help me. Now that I�ve been doing it for a few years, I�d do it even if it was just a word document and for my own use. But I have also grown to love connecting with people, the support that this community offers. And right now, I need support. And it�s not there.
