I�ve never participated in half-nekkid Thursday before. And I�m not necessarily going to become a regular participant, but for some reason, the idea of it made me think of a picture of myself. Technically, I�m not half-nekkid. I�m 100% nekkid, but you can�t see anything really in the picture.
It feels a little strange putting an image like that out there and I�ll probably take it down if it makes me feel too uncomfortable. But as you can see, you can�t really see anything and you can barely tell it�s me and it�s been photoshopped so it doesn�t really look like a photograph anymore.
The picture amazes me on several levels. Despite the fact that I am near my heaviest, I really like this picture. There is something about it that is very beautiful to me and I think it has to do with how comfortable I felt with my body when it was taken. I was not quite at my heaviest yet, but was probably around 325 or 340 when the picture was taken. For the most part, I felt confident and sexy. I had several men I could call my lover. And these were very attractive men, sculpted bodies, no flaws. Sex with the lights on � no problem. In fact, when my roommate and I did this (and other pictures), I was walking around the house and yard totally nude (or semi-nude) in broad daylight with very little care.
These days, though over a hundred pounds smaller than when this picture was taken (and about 10 sizes smaller), I struggle quite a bit with body image. I have days where I feel incredibly sexy, beautiful, powerful and amazing. Days where I feel skinny even. But sometimes, I feel just as big as I was when I started this whole thing � some days I still feel as big as I was when I weighed 366 pounds. I don�t think the feeling ever goes away. It�s like when you drive a big car�like a truck or SUV or something � and you can�t shake that feeling even when you are in a small car� you leave more space around you in traffic because you feel like you are occupying more space on the road. That�s the closest I can come to describing it.
Most of the time, when I see pictures of my former self, I cringe. I feel shame. But this picture, I can look at it and see me, see that I was there, in that body the whole time. I can see that I am still me, beautiful then, beautiful now.
