I know a girl
She puts the color
Inside of my world
--Jon Mayer
We all need a girl like that. And I don�t mean necessarily as a love interest. But as a friend. We all need a girl, or a guy, like that.
I am lucky enough to have such a friend. Someone who adds brilliant rays of light to my world every time she comes into it. This is not a sexually charged �I�m coming out of the closet� ode to a woman. It�s just a testimony of friendship, and how that friendship can bring light into our lives. Color is merely reflected light after all.
I am currently chatting with this friend right now. Some of you know her, her name is Heidi and she is the one who puts the color in my world.
With her, I can totally be myself. Whatever self that is. If it�s the sad Janet, the mature and wise Janet, or the goofy child-like Janet that I don�t always let out. Whichever Janet wants to show that day, she will always be accepted by Heidi. This is the person who knows me best in the world right now. She knows every mistake I have made. And every mistake I might make. I don�t worry when I tell her I am about to make another mistake. She might wish a different path for me, but she accepts me as I am.
I don�t always need someone to point out my flaws. Or tell me how to fix my life. Sometimes, I just need someone to listen and know that they aren�t judging me in any way shape or form. Even if I choose not to fix any of my flaws. Because by having that in my life, I gain the strength I need to fix them.
When I was driving home today, I was thinking about her, and how I can always talk to her. Sometimes, I edit myself to my friends. I�m afraid of what they will think. I have many friends who can know all my trash and not make me feel self-conscious about it, but not all of them are connected to me on a daily basis. Through e-mail or IM, we talk almost every day. And so she�s like the team coach, she is with me through each play. If I make a bad choice and it ends up hurting me, she�ll tell me in a gentle way. But at the end of the gentle lesson, there is love and acceptance. I know that even when I don�t play well during a �game�, she�ll never trade me for another team. Because of this, I play better, I play harder, I win more. It�s not because I need to please her, it�s because she helps me want to please myself.
Our friends are the light that bring out the color in our world. I don�t have to tell Heidi what color it is, she always knows. It�s almost as if sometimes she is reading my mind. We often say (or type) exactly the same thing to each other at the same time. So maybe it is mind reading. I speak my mind with Heidi, even when I know her viewpoint is not the same. Because I know that she�ll listen. Objectively. And that even when she doesn�t agree, she accepts my point of view.
When I was driving home, I was thinking of another friend, who doesn�t seem to get me in the same way. I feel as if I always have to explain myself and that the true meaning of what I say is always something that�s interpreted incorrectly. When I�m having a bad day, this friend tells me I have self-esteem issues or that there are bigger problems in the world. Sometimes I just want someone to listen.
I was thinking about these self-esteem issues on the way home. I think that many years ago, I had major self-esteem issues. I really didn�t think that there was anything likable about me. Though I have momentary relapses sometimes, when I think about it objectively, I don�t think that�s what it is. I really think there�s a lot about Janet that is amazing. I think that when most people get to know me, they like me. I meet people with the expectation that they will like me. What I fear, is that people won�t take the chance to get to know me, that they will judge me by one momentary behavior, the moment that I spill the french fry in my lap, and will not look beyond that. I�m a quirky mix of so many different sides, if one side doesn�t appeal to you, wait a moment, and another side will come out.
So I wonder if that is really self-esteem? I was pondering this with Heidi a few moments ago, and we decided that the best way to put it is that we are �multi-tonal�. In the wrong light, we may appear flat, dull and lifeless. On dark days, and I have my share, I may appear drab. And I am afraid that people won�t stick around long enough for the sun to come out and see how I shine in the light.
But a good friend not only knows that we will shine when the sun comes back out, but helps to open the shade and let the sunshine in.
Thanks my friend.
