Did ya�ll know I can juggle? (That Ya�ll was for my dear Carrie in Texas. Sometimes that Ya�ll just wants to come out of my mouth and I always think of her when it does.)
So anyway, juggling, yes, I can. My college roommate taught me how and it�s not something you ever forget. Body memory, your muscles actually will remember how to do things. Juggling is surprisingly easy to learn. It is so easy to learn, that it�s really only 3 simple steps. After that, it�s all practice. You can learn it in about 5 minutes, but it takes many many hours of practice to even closely resemble juggling. I tell people is 1% technique and 99% practice. It�s funny, because when you can juggle, people are so impressed. They think it takes so long to learn. It doesn�t, it just takes a long time to perfect.
I think this is what life is like. It�s really very simple, but it just takes so much practice to get it right. Maybe this is why some people die young and others live to old age. If you go for it, you might perfect your technique early on. Who knows. I don�t really know the meaning of life and I certainly don�t know what happens after we die. I�m just trying to figure some things out in my head.
When I was learning to juggle, I used to practice all the time. It was easiest to practice in front of my bed. This worked for 2 reasons. 1. When the balls dropped, they didn�t drop as far and were, thus, easier to retrieve and 2. It kept you from learning �juggler�s walk� which is where you are throwing the balls out in front of them and slowly chasing them with your body. If you are standing in front of a bed, you learn to manage your throw so that your balls stay in close range.
It�s good to have your balls in close range. You never know when you might need them. This comment is just an aside, because I thought that sounded funny.
I was very zealous in my pursuit of becoming a juggler. I think this was because I thought juggling was very cool and different and I would do anything to stand out of the crowd. I think when we are learning a concrete skill, when we can actually SEE our progress, it is easier to practice something.
But some of what we learn in life, some of what we must practice to achieve, isn�t so obvious, and definitely not tangible. How do we learn to like ourselves, what are the steps we take to do that? What are the techniques and sequences? How do I move my body to achieve this? There is no �Loving Yourself for Dummies�. I guess because if you buy a book that calls you a dummy, then do you really love yourself?
So loving yourself is all about practicing performing those behaviors that are loving and directed towards ourselves. So does behavior follow mind-change or vice versa? Can it be a little bit of both?
I believe that I do generally love myself and have a positive self-esteem. It is visible to me when I see myself in pictures, and see how generally happy I look, when I cavort in public with confidence, meet new people, take risks, etc. So I guess I validate its existence by behavior. But sometimes my behavior just does not match this image either. I don�t always act out of love for myself. I put other�s needs/wants/desires ahead of my own.
Does this mean I DON�T love myself, or just that at some moments I love other people more? God, I have no idea. And when I started writing this, I didn�t know this is where it was going to go. But here it is, me with all the questions and no answers. I guess that�s what this space is for� for questioning, a place to work it all out, get it all out, knowing this is the first step in figuring it all out.
And this is why I can feel okay about proclaiming my self-love yesterday and then questioning it today. Because no one is perfect, no one is up all the time. And one can feel self-love and yet still be angry with themselves on occasion I suppose. After all, we usually do get mad at the ones we love. It�s just hard to stand back and watch someone you love make the same mistake over and over again. But practice, my friends, it�s all about practice.
And now I have brought this entry full circle, which is only appropriate, as it started out about throwing balls in a circle.
