I have this analogy that I tell my friends about trying to hard. You know when you are in a swimming pool and you want something, like say a beach ball, and it�s just-right-there? You slap at the water trying to get it to come closer to you, but all you do is push it away. Sometimes, you just need to relax, float for a while and let the ball drift with the current. It will eventually come close enough to you to grab it.
I think that in general, I give great advice. I have many friends who call me in a crisis. They describe me as an amazing life coach. It�s just that when it comes to my own life, I can�t seem to take my own advice. It�s not that I don�t think it applies, I just prefer living in oblivion believing that it doesn�t NEED to apply.
In just the same way, when I hear of someone else putting themselves down or having a momentary self-esteem crisis, it is so easy for me to say �no way, that is so not you, you are amazing� and yet, I know how meaningless these words become when it is MY self-esteem crisis. I can look back, at where I�ve been emotionally in life, and I can think, wow, I�ve come a long way.
I have so many friends, people who spend a great part of the day with me, 5 days a week, who would describe me as confident, happy, outgoing. I know for a fact that that wasn�t always true. I believe that Janet exists and that she is real. But the sad and angry Janet exists too and she is just as real. Some people see one side, some see another.
And when I think of those people who see the confident, happy, outgoing Janet, I am so proud of myself. Most of the work to get here, I did by myself. I was only in therapy for 3 years and a lot of this Janet started before the therapist. It�s quite an accomplishment to change from someone who is so shy that she has panic attacks in a room of people to someone who gives speeches to 100 top executives without a trace of nervousness. I did that. I did. All by myself, because I was motivated to change. And every day, I took a little risk and built on the day before until suddenly, the world wasn�t quite as scary and I didn�t feel quite so small. I�m told I have a commanding presence. People call me magnetic. Magnetic even! Shy freaky little Janet became commanding, self-assured and magnetic. I did this. I feel proud writing it.
And yet, it is so easy to strike down. One word, one comment, and I think, fuck, I�m way too fucked up, people should just get the hell away from me.
A few years back, I decided that I needed to do something about my body image. I weighed about 280 at the time. I did not allow pictures to be taken of myself, or rarely allowed them. My gaze avoided the mirror at all costs. So I started practicing looking at myself in the mirror. I would look over my body, my stomach, my ass, all of it, nude as can be, in those moments before getting in the shower. And I would force myself to be neutral. No negative thoughts. Just �this is my body, this is my stomach, this is my arms�. And I forced myself to touch it, not in a gonna have some solo action kind of way, but to allow my hand to rest on my thigh. I got used to the size of my body so it was no longer shocking to me. And eventually, I learned to see Janet. Just Janet. Not the fat girl, but Janet.
It sounds so corny, but I really need to start doing this in other, less visible, areas. I didn�t require an outside validation to begin to feel more at home in my body, and I don�t need any outside validation to feel comfortable in my spirit. I have just allowed outside viewpoints to be stronger that what�s inside. I have let the noises of the world drown out the voices in my head. The voices in my head don�t always have negative things to say, I�ve just allowed myself to believe them more.
Fuck that shit � that ain�t right. I am strong, I am powerful. I am MAGNETIC dammit.
