Happy Birthday to me!
On Friday, I had written this long e-mail to Heidi and after writing it I had planned to post it here, as it was a good explanation of what happened Thursday night to upset me (and it took a while to write and I just didn�t have the energy to do it all over again. I totally spaced though and deleted it. So now I am waiting for Heidi to send it back to me. It also captures my mood that morning and how I felt so desolate and lost. It�s funny because by the end of the day, my happy, positive mood had already returned, but I�m still going to post the entry as soon as I get it from Heidi because it�s part of my life and I want to capture it here. It�s just a little odd because the feelings that I express were gone before lunch and haven�t returned.
So, here�s that entry (pretend you are reading it on Friday):
In my last few reviews, I have specifically asked what I need to do to get promoted. I've been honest and said I may not be there, but I need to know what areas to work on and the areas I need to grow and have a developmental plan.
Last year, my boss (the harasser) said, oh I never really thought about it, let me see what I can find out (and never did). Okay, how could you not even be thinking about developing someone for a promotion when they have been in the same job for over 5 years and the company is supposedly all about developing their employees? But whatever.
A few weeks later, I was in my director's office and the subject came up and she stated that the company is "calibrating" certain positions, including the training positions. They are working on clear definitions of what it means to be a level 1, a level 2, etc and that in the meantime, they cannot promote anyone. She also mentioned that she was sure that when my skills and accomplishments were compared with other people that I would be promoted and just to hang in there.
So this year, new boss, had my review and once again, it wasn't even on their radar. No plan, no here's what we need from you, nothing. So I brought it up and got the same story about the calibration and how in the meantime they can't promote but they are sure when my skills and accomplishments are compared with the other trainers I'll be brought up to a higher level.
So I just joined a training team and I'll be working with people who are a level 2 (I am a 1 and there are other 1's on the team as well). One of the level 2 people can't even write OR SPEAK a grammatically correct sentence. She recently sent out meeting minutes from a trainer's meeting with absolutely no proofreading or editing. In a 2.5 page document, there were over 100 errors. 100! Names were misspelled (and she would misspell the same name 3 different ways!), grammar was wrong, incomplete sentence, verb tense switched in the middle of a sentence. Even her document name was wrong. She obviously took some old meeting minutes, updated and didn't even rename the document. I mean, the whole thing just showed she was lazy. And this is typical of her work. I've gotten several pieces of training material from her to use for training on systems that I was not familiar with. They were all garbage. I had to rewrite them before I could use them. I would have been embarrassed to use them.
The system implementation project I did last year was huge. There is no way it would have been a success if I wasn't running it. It's the kind of project that should have been run by a manager and I would be expected to assist. But instead, I ran it. I wrote the training manual, developed the classes (which is actually different than just writing material, it involves developing training activities and such), ran a train-the-trainer program, coordinated training for over 300 users, booked and scheduled classes, made sure that each class scheduled had a trainer, a room, supplies, etc, trained over 75% of the classes, lived and breathed work for about 2 months, worked evenings and weekends, busted my ass. It was the job of a level 3 and my job is a level 1. But I did it and I did a great job.
So what happens is that I bust my ass, do a really good job and then get jack shit for it (I had been expecting a promotion that year in light of what I was doing, didn't get it, then was promised a bonus and that never materialized) so then I get disillusioned and frustrated and I give up, I stop working so hard, stop putting my all into everything. Then a little time goes by and I get motivated again. And I kick ass again. And all people remember is the short times when I gave up. I'm not saying I'm perfect. 2002 was a HORRIBLE year in my personal life and it absolutely showed at work. But I recovered and went on to do a great job.
I am incredibly good at what I do. I have 10 times the talent, skills and brains of any other trainer in our part of the company. And it doesn't mean shit.
So, I just got a new supervisor (who is a trainer that actually started out at the same time as me but has already had 2 promotions, she had a boss who actually cared about developing her) and she knows my struggle, she knew it when she was my friend, so she recognizes it as my supervisor. She knows that I have more capabilities than other people who are above me. She just doesn't know if she can do anything about it because our annual review time just passed. But at least she's on my side, so that gave me some hope.
But then yesterday, I was meeting with another trainer. This other trainer is very hardworking and dedicated, but frankly doesn't have 1/4th of the talent and brains that I have. She recently got promoted to a Trainer 3. So, in this part of the company where trainer's can't get promoted until everything is calibrated, someone got promoted. Do you know why? Because someone gave a damn, someone asked to promote her, someone maybe even fought for her and espoused her talents. I'm not saying hey, I walk on water and my shit don't stink. I'm just asking for a plan on what to do, a path, some ideas of what my weaknesses are so I can work on it. And I can't even get that much.
The whole thing just makes me insane. And it made me incredibly sad and gave me such a sense of futility. I feel like I have nothing to show for my life. Nothing of value. Nothing that matters. So I went to 30 movies last year. Big deal. What does THAT matter in the grand scheme of things? I feel like a failure at everything I do. And you know what, it's all my own fault. I'm the one who has made bad choices at every turn. The one who continues to make bad choices. To fritter away her life.
Imagine if you were walking down a dusty road, and you had been walking down that road for 37 years. And then all of a sudden one day you realize that at every single fork in the road, you have picked the wrong way. And you have to go back to the beginning and start over. 37 years worth of walking. And you just crumble in a heap at the side of the road because you are so overwhelmed. Finally, you realize that you have to do something and you turn around to go back, and the path that you were taking had disappeared. It's grown over with weeds. No where do you go? That's how I feel. I mean, can you imagine that feeling? The dusty road, the sore muscles, the dry throat and mouth that longs for a drink of water? And the overwhelming task of trying to change things.
And you know what else I was thinking? If I had a baby, I'd just be okay with it. I'd be okay with this just being a job, a place to collect a paycheck. Because my reason for being would be clear to me. All I ever wanted in life was to be a mom. And that's a want that seems like it will always be out of reach. When I used to be a daycare teacher, I just loved those kids. I was excited every day to go spend the day with them. I looked forward to seeing them. I came alive. And I had such a sense of purpose knowing that their parents could go off to work and know that their kids were spending the day with someone who loved them. And now, I don't know what I'm doing.
So, here in my emotional crisis, I know I'll find my way out of it, but right now, I'm just really overwhelmed. And despite the fact that I had woken up at 3 AM on Thursday morning (and found myself unable to go back to sleep), I was awake until after 5 AM last night (written on Friday morning). I was awake for 26 hours straight. I just couldn't shut it down. I got 2.5 hours of sleep last night (Thursday night).
I had a great weekend� almost couldn�t ask for anything better. Friday, I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and emotional turmoil. But by the time lunch had passed, I was actually in a good mood. I just got to the point where I knew I just had to keep doing my best (whatever my best is for that day) and not worry about the rest � it�s just a paycheck after all. I left work around 4 on Friday because I was too exhausted to speak. Went home and watched TV and tried to sleep. Despite the exhaustion, I still had a hard time sleeping but did finally fall asleep around 11.
Saturday, my brother-in-law (BIL) was coming over to help me move some stuff into storage and also to reorganize the storage space a little bit. When I moved my apartment into storage, I had the WORST MOVERS EVER. They were 2 hours late, got their truck stuck and had to wait 3 hours for the owner to show up and free it, their attitude sucked. When they finally got to my storage unit, they just didn�t care. As something came out of the truck, it went in storage. There was no sense of organization. There were small boxes on the bottom with huge heavy boxes stacked on top crushing them. Boxes were balanced on two towers of other boxes and/or assorted furniture and odds and ends, with stuff taken out of boxes to even out the height. I can�t even describe what a nightmare it was. And the way they did it took up all the space. After my BIL and I (Oh, who am I kidding, he did all of the work) were finished, everything was stacked perfectly and I was taking up not even 2/3rds of the space. I had expected that to take 4-5 hours, but we (we � yeah right, but hey, whatever) were done in less than 2 hours.
My BIL had worked overtime from 6 PM to 6 AM Friday night so he was just going to call me when he woke up. I was expecting to hear from him around noon. My phone rang about 9 with a restricted number. I figured it was him, especially when I answered and heard a male voice. So I just said �Hey, you�re up earlier than I expected.� Then the other person started talking. I was wrong. It was the Anti-Brian. He had responded to my e-mail on Tuesday saying that he is a very direct person and I need to just take him at his word and not read anything into what he is saying. He said that he kept calling because we had talked about getting together Saturday afternoon so he was just trying to reach me and that if I had called him back to let him know I was busy then he wouldn�t have kept calling. Okay, this sort of works, except that, if we had talked about getting together Saturday afternoon, then why are you still calling me to confirm our plans on Sunday morning at 8:18? So I never answered his e-mail because I just didn�t know what to say. I wasn�t planning on blowing him off, I would eventually have contacted him, but I had to figure out what I wanted to say first.
So when he called, I explained to him that although he was saying one thing, his behavior was saying something different. I explained that I was really new to dating and run very hot and cold about the whole idea. He said that was fine, he was happy to just explore friendship with me. I told him that in terms of the calls, yeah, I understand it would have been nice if I had called him, but usually with friends, if we talk about making plans and then we don�t hear from each other, we just assume it didn�t work out. We don�t bombard the other person with a million phone calls. I explained that I had been really busy that weekend and that the times I was not with other people, the idea of picking up the phone to make a quick phone call (which I knew would not really be quick) was not appealing. I explained that I speak for a living, so in my down time, I like peace and quiet and sometimes a phone call is too much work. We agreed to continue on as friends but in a more casual way. Hopefully, not feeling pressured to talk to him will help me actually want to talk to him again.
After that phone call, I went down to the garage to organize some of the stuff that I was taking to storage. A little bit before 10, my phone rings and it�s Brian. I was having a birthday brunch at The Cheesecake Factory on Sunday with my family and a couple of friends and he was going to come. So when he called Saturday morning and said �Guess what?� I figured he was cancelling. Turns out he�d gotten the day wrong (despite my 10 reminders) and went there Saturday morning. So he asks me what I�m doing right then, and I just said �nothing� but I sounded kind of pissy because I was mad at him for getting the date wrong. He asked what was wrong and was I still upset about what happened on Thursday. �I said, no, I�m fine with that, I just can�t believe you got it wrong.� I figured that it meant he wouldn�t be coming on Sunday. I guess he finally realized that was why I was upset, so he said �I�m still coming tomorrow, I just thought we could go to breakfast since I�m out by your house.� Ooooooooooooooooo. Okay, suddenly my mood was much better. So he came over and took me to breakfast. Since my mom was outside when he came, he invited her along too. We had a nice breakfast and then got back to my house. And then we had amazing sex.
Honestly, for any of you out there that had sex on Saturday and didn�t have an orgasm, I apologize. I got yours. I must have had about 20 of them. (Yes, I know, hate me, I�m one of THOSE girls who have multiples. I think I�ve only had 3 or 4 times in my life where I had sex and didn�t have an orgasm) It wasn�t just the physical thing either, it was intensely emotional, loving sex.
So then after that, my brother in law came over and we went to the storage unit. I was back home by 4. I spent Saturday night relaxing, watching �Without A Trace� on DVD and then Law & Order SVU on USA. It was a crime filled evening.
Sunday was a wonderful brunch at The Cheesecake Factory. I�ll post some pictures in my next entry (along with the Disneyland pictures I promised). Brian ended up buying the brunch for everyone, which was really nice. What�s funny is that usually, at least in the back of mind, there�s always the idea that with my birthday �I get presents!�. I mean, it�s not like I sit around plotting how to get presents, but it�s just this great side effect of having a birthday. This year, I didn�t even give suggestions to my family. It just so wasn�t about the presents. At the brunch, I was just enjoying being around people that I love. If no one brought a present, I would have been just as happy. It was a nice birthday. Maybe one of my best.
So that�s about all going on with me. And this entry is now up to 5 pages in Word, so if you�ve stuck around to this last paragraph, I thank you immensely!
