I drove home in a stupor tonight. Seriously, green, orange and purple dragons carrying neon signs that said �Hi Janet� could have landed on the hood of my car and I would not have even noticed.
My tombstone (which hopefully I will need very soon) should read �Here lies Janet. She failed at everything. What a total waste of air.�
Two days ago, I had the gall to say �I�m really happy right now, I feel good about my life. Things aren�t perfect but I feel like I can handle them. I feel like I haven�t been this happy in a while.� That was a stupid move.
Maybe it�s all going to pass when I can get some sleep. Maybe I�m just grouchy because I woke up at 3 AM and couldn�t get back to sleep but I doubt it. Yesterday afternoon I threw a bag of groceries on the floor because I was just frustrated with all the little things that were going wrong. Little things, like when you get out of the car and your shoulder hits the car door, and then you open the gate and the gate won�t open, and then you try to get something out of the fridge and something falls on the floor. Stupid stuff that just irritates you. And I just had a few too many of these stupid things so I just threw my groceries on the floor. I broke a jar of jam. Because I wasn�t even thinking about what was in the bags, I just wanted to act out my anger physically. And I can�t tell you how many times I�ve snapped at my friend Danny in the last few days.
Something happened at work tonight. A story with so much backstory that I just don�t have the energy to tell it. But it made me want to walk out. I was so close to giving the VP of the company a very large piece of my mind. This is a large company, a VP over a staff of about 1500 who just happens to walk by my desk about 4 or more times a day and knows me by name. But I was so angry, I just wanted to dump it all on him. Either that or I was going to tell my boss �fuck you, I�m gone.� But I need the income. I can�t afford to be unemployed. Maybe tomorrow I can be rational again.
I�ll get back to my happy place. I have a birthday on Monday and I have a rule that I must always be joyful and positive on my birthday. Just need a few moments to be angry and disillusioned.
