I�m listening to Joe Jackson�s �Breaking Us In Two�. It takes me back to 9th grade. I remember sitting in an attic bedroom in New Jersey and this song was on MTV. I didn�t live in New Jersey, but my family was staying there with some family friends. We were on our way to New York to visit with family and made a pit stop in New Jersey. When I hear this song, I always think of that attic. I also remember these turquoise barrettes shaped like bows. I used to wear them in my hair all the time that year. And I remember the long sleeve rugby shirts I used to wear all the time. And I remember being 15 and feeling so awkward and trying to fit in.
Today, I had a day of bad choices. It actually started last night and then just bled into today. I hope I can put an end to it tomorrow. My room is like a graveyard for candy wrappers. I didn�t work out today. I never even got out of my pajamas. It actually started last night about 10 PM. When I did something REALLY stupid.
I slept with Brian last night. I know. Stupid. I wish I could say I don�t know how it happened, but I did it willingly, knowing there might be horrible consequences. But as I told him before I drove to see him, either way, I�m going to wake up tomorrow with regrets. I might as well have regrets and an orgasm.
After work, I had gone to see Hotel Rwanda with my friend Danny. I had read a book about the Rwandan genocide, so I knew what I was getting into. After leaving the movie theater, I was in a really funky mood. Just missing Brian, and feeling the weight of the movie, but also just bathed in memories of Brian and I couldn�t shake it. I wanted to cry in the car on my way home, but I knew that I had to come in the house and face people and I didn�t want to do that with red swollen eyes. I figured I could come in and go to my room and cry it all out. Actually, I wanted to come home and take some flexiril, forget I even have emotions, and pass out.
But I got home and I had gotten some new DVD�s in the mail from Netflix. I started watching the last DVD of Season 3 of Queer as Folk. Somewhere in the middle of it, I just decided to call him. We talked for a long time, not about the relationship, just talking about life and history and politics and the world and our worlds. He was working late, still at the office, and eventually, we mutually decided that I should go there and we should get it on. So I did.
The truth is, and it seems weird, I actually have LESS anger towards him right now. I can�t explain it. It�s like it took the edge off of all I was feeling. Plus, now my last memory of him physically is not of him in my own bed. It�s like I can be in my bed without the torturous memories again. And now HE has to be tortured with thoughts of me every time he looks at his office couch.
We didn�t talk about our relationship, we didn�t really talk about what we were doing, except that he asked a few times �what are you doing here, what are we doing� and I just said, �I came here to get laid� and left it at that. We didn�t say, oh okay, now that conversation we had two weeks ago just never happened. We didn�t make a promise to talk or see each other or any of that. We ACTED like it had never happened in how we were with each other, but we both know it did. I didn�t leave thinking OK now we�re back together. I didn�t leave thinking OK now we�re going to be friends who sleep together or that we would have regular communication or anything like that. I just got in my car and drove home as if it didn�t happen.
I don�t know what the ramifications of it will be. I�m not going to blame today�s debauchery on it, because it�s more related to the past two weeks than to last night. I didn�t feel this overwhelming urge to call him today. I didn�t cry or feel sad. I didn�t feel weird about it. I just felt like laying around in my pajamas eating candy. I don�t know what the connection is between the two things. I don�t know much of anything right now. Well, I do know that I can�t repeat today�s mistakes tomorrow. I have things to do. I need to eat healthy tomorrow. I need to work out tomorrow. And then, I need to pack for my trip and go on my date with Jim and put a smile on my face and embrace my future, whatever it holds.
