I had a very �Eternal Sunshine� moment last night and again this morning � moments when I thought it might just be better if every memory of Brian was erased from my mind. I�m tired of laying in bed and remembering what it was like to lay there with him, to feel his body next to mine, his beefy biceps wrapping around me, every laugh and tickle. I hate it. But I know that in reality, I don�t want to forget him and eventually, these memories will not be so painful.
As for dating, I�m so up in the air about what I want to do. A part of me just wants to jump into another relationship because it would keep me from thinking about Brian. But another part of me doesn�t want to even attempt to date. I feel afraid to get close to another human being again, afraid of getting hurt. I also don�t want physical intimacy with someone new. I�m not ready for it. Then there�s another part of me that can�t wait to get out there and see what the world has to offer. And still another part of me that wants to get back together with Brian (for better, or mostly worse).
I know I said I wasn�t going to join any dating sites for a while, but on impulse, I did join Yahoo. Okay, ok, slap my hand and let�s be done with it. For better or worse, I have joined for 3 months. We�ll see what I think in those 3 months. Here�s what I wrote in my ad:
I have never taken a long walk on the beach� well, except for the times when I�ve gotten lost on the way to the restroom. But we�ve all seen public restrooms, there was certainly no happy ending there. Used to be, I didn�t take long walks at all, but that changed a few years ago. Now I will not only take long walks, but take them at a fast pace. I�m even trying to be a runner. But I don�t run from life or love and that is why I am here now.
I love the feeling when I am running � there�s the clich� of the wind in my hair and all that, but I just feel so powerful during that time. I hear my footsteps on the pavement, feel my ponytail swishing back and forth, feel the wind on my face and just feel like I can accomplish anything. I�m not very fast yet, and I can�t run very far, but if there�s one thing I�ve learned in life, if you want to get anywhere, there�s only one place to get started and that�s right where you are. I feel this way about life in general. It�s important to be able to recognize where we are, see our weaknesses and go from there. None of us are perfect. Perfection doesn�t exist anywhere in nature (to my knowledge anyway). All we can do is try each day to improve on the day before, learning from our mistakes as we go along.
I come from a strong and closely connected family. My parents have modeled what it takes to make a good relationship. You don�t wake up every day feeling the �gooey� feelings of love. Sometimes it�s hard work. Sometimes, it�s putting someone else first. But you get back what you give it. Love is about having a shoulder to lean on at the end of a hard day, but also about being a shoulder for someone else. A good relationship happens when two people share common interests but also complement each other�s weaknesses. Together, they are stronger than apart. But each person needs to have a strong life and interests outside of the relationship.
So what are my interests and how do I spend my time? Right now, I�m just learning how to enjoy living in Southern California. I�ve lived here all of my life but there�s still so much I haven�t experienced. I love to get out there with my friends and play tourist. I am also trying to broaden my horizons and learn new things each year. This year, I have already learned how to knit and how to line dance. I hope to learn how to surf and snowboard by the end of the year. Life is an adventure and you just have to get out there.
But adventures can come in small packages too. Some of the best moments in life involve connecting with another person, making a new friend or being there for a friend when they need you. One of my favorite indulgences is sleeping in a little bit on the weekends and laying around in my pajamas for a while. Sometimes I have to get up and get running, but it�s nice when I can relax too.
I�m very creative and love to express that side of myself. I�m an avid �scrapper� and �stamper� and love to make my own cards. Photography, movies, music, reading � these are all ways I enjoy spending my time.
I don�t expect to share all my interests with another person, nor would I expect them to share all their interests with me. We both bring different things to the table and enrich each other�s lives.
Right now I�m looking to make genuine friends and connect with another human being. I am not seeking a particular destination with any relationship, but just willing to see how I connect and where that particular relationship can go. Regardless, I hope to learn more about myself and the people in my world as I travel on this journey we call life.
Tell me what you think�.
A lot of the anger about my relationship with Brian is starting to surface. I truly don�t hate him, but I hate the hand we were dealt. I hate that he�s not the same man I fell in love with. I remember the guy who called 5 minutes after our first date to tell me what a good time he had, the guy who called me the night before my surgery because he just KNEW I was up worrying about it, the guy who flew 10 hours and spent $800 to spend 5 hours with me. I miss that guy. There still stuff I want to talk to him about, unfinished business as it were. I have called him to try to get together to talk, face to face, as we broke up over the phone. I just don�t feel it�s right to say goodbye that way. He said okay to that, but every time I call him to set something up, he can�t talk on the phone and he�s not calling me back. So that�s a sign. He really isn�t someone who would say one thing and do another so I really do just need to be less paranoid and cut the guy some slack. Maybe he just is having a hard time with things and isn�t ready to see me. Maybe he�s just really busy. Either way, I have to deal with my feelings and do my best with them. I was so angry driving home last night � angry at him, angry at myself. I went on my run/walk and just channelled all that anger into exercise. It really helped. I normally do 5 sprints during my mile �ralk� but last night I did 7 and the whole thing was a lot more intense, faster walking, faster sprints. I was glad that I did my planned exercise last night. Normally when I get upset, I retreat into my room and curl up in a ball. At least I did something constructive. Of course, the internet ad came out of the anger too. Oh well. It�s done now.
I�m struggling with a bit of body issues. Sometimes, I look at myself and I feel so, well, normal. Last night I was laying in bed feeling my shoulder bones, my hip bones and it was like, wow, look how far I�ve come. And the bones felt different than they did even just a few months ago. Then this morning when I was taking a shower, it was the opposite. I just saw how much fat is still on my body and now I see how far I still have to go. Will I ever see my body without this huge layer of fat between my skin and my bones? I have to believe that I will.
This is all I�m going to write for now (ALL, as if I didn�t just write 2.5 pages in MSWord), as I�m swamped with work getting ready for my trip to San Antonio next week.
