2000 was a very interesting year for my love life. That was the year I met every jerk on the planet. 3 of them broke my heart. But one of them broke my spirit.
By the time I met S, I had already been through 3 heartaches. I was lonely and, yes, desperate. By this point, I had stopped being too picky, I was just tired of being alone. The warning signs were there on our first date, but I chose to ignore them. He was very aggressive sexually, and though we didn�t have sex on our first date, it wasn�t for his lack of trying. I believe at one point he actually yanked my pants off. But after a few dozens no�s and me pushing him away repeatedly, he stopped.
I made some bad decisions and chose to keep seeing him. I was blind to the signs and ignoring my intuition. I dated S over a period of 6 weeks and spent a few nights a week at his house. Each time, he pushed me to do things I didn�t want to do. I never said no. I just thought NO. I didn�t want conflict so I just kept my mouth shut, while he performed anal sex on me. I can�t say I participated, it wasn�t a sex act we did together. I just laid there and let him. Because in my mind, I was too small, too insignificant to say no. It was easier to just let him do his thing and be done with it.
I was at his house for the finale of the first Survivor, and now that I type that, I remember that I have told this story before. But I�m telling it again. He started acting really weird that night. Telling me he was the boss and I needed to do what he said. When I went to bed, he soon followed me in. We started to have sex but he soon flipped me over to enter me anally. I told him no. For the first time, I told him no. I didn�t want it and I told him. But he didn�t listen. And I said no again, and lifted up my body to push him off, but he just grabbed my shoulder shoved me down and kept going. And then, I just started to lie there like usual. I figured, well, it will be over soon. If I just shut up, it will be over soon. He was a martial arts instructor, very strong � another thing my instincts were trying to remind me about. So I did just lay there for a few seconds, and then I thought, no, I told him no, I was clear, I was direct, there was no misunderstanding. So I gathered up my strength and I threw him off of me. He ended up getting thrown against his dresser. I thought he was going to hurt me, but he didn�t, he just told me to get off of his bed.
At first I went into the living room and tried to sleep on the couch. But he came out and stood over me, and I realized that I would get no sleep there, that I would spend the whole night worrying about my safety. I got dressed and left. It was almost 1 AM. I thought about telling the police, but I just didn�t have the energy. I worried that it would just be my word against his (which it would have) especially since we had a sexual relationship. He thought I was just being bitchy, that I was having a bad night, that I was pre-menstrual. And I didn�t have the energy for any kind of battle. I just wanted to get home to my own bed.
That happened in August of 2000. In the fall of 2000, I entered a severe depression that I could not lift for many months. It started the night of the rape.
Tonight, I�m online on yahoo and talking to a few people who have seen my ad. Guess who sends me a message? What do you say to a man who has raped you, wouldn�t even think that he had raped you, and doesn�t even remember you?
Maybe I did the wrong thing, but I just told him that I knew him, that we had dated, that the last time I saw him I was leaving his apartment in the middle of the night, that he was too aggressive and that we were not compatible and to have a nice night.
What the fuck?
Have a nice night?
Good lord.
