Okay, so do you think that having a date 3 days after you break up is too soon?
Yeah, I have a date tonight. Came totally out of the blue. I was online yesterday and this guy, Jim, started talking to me. After we had talked for about 30 minutes, he asked me if I�d like to go on a dinner date sometime. I said sure. Then he asked when and asked if tonight (last night) would be too soon. I said I was busy so he asked for tonight. It�s so strange but fun and exciting. Kind of goes to show me how different life can be for me now if I let it. I�m really just looking at it as a chance to go out, have some fun, meet someone new. I am working hard to have no expectations.
I�ve been thinking a lot about my approach to dating in the past. Part of it was that I felt this incredible urgency to get married and have a baby and all of that crap. And so that created a number of problems. First, I felt like each guy HAD to work out. If there was any sort of spark, they had to be the one. And I kept settling for guys who really weren�t the one, just to have someone. I felt an incredible pressure to impress the guy, to do everything right, to be perfect. I couldn�t just relax and be myself because I had to make them choose me, to make them fall in love. But I get that this pressure just put people off and it sure wasn�t making me happy.
The other night, I gave myself permission not to worry about having a baby right now. I told myself (whether a lie or the truth, it doesn�t matter) that I�ll get pregnant next year, that I can worry about it next year. And once I told myself that, I realized that I don�t need a relationship right now. What I need to do is this:
Have fun
Become a runner
Get in shape
Lose my last 33 pounds
Get back in therapy and work on my self-esteem issues that make me think I need to be in a relationship
Get into my own apartment
Anything else that happens to me this year is just gravy. I intend to go out on dates. I intend to eventually join some online dating sites. I intend to meet men and get to know them. But I�m not looking for the next boyfriend. I�m not looking for the next relationship. I�m just looking to enjoy life. And it�s such a different attitude and it gives me such freedom.
I realize this freedom as I chat with people online now. I don�t worry about what I say. I don�t worry if I�ll offend them. And if someone starts a sexual conversation, I just say goodbye. Because I don�t need them. They are nothing to me. I kept getting these offline yahoo messages from this guy. 5 messages and all he said in each of them was �hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii�. I kept sending him messages back asking about himself. And all he would answer was �hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii�. So I finally said �Is that the only word you know?� Honestly, before, I wouldn�t have said that. Because I would have been worried about offending him and what if he could be someone I could date and now I�ve offended him and I never get the chance. Now it�s more like WHO CARES. And who would want to date someone who can�t even answer a simple question? I think I�m going to be a lot more picky this time around. Because who needs these idiots? I sure don�t. My goals of working on myself don�t depend on any guy being along for the ride. I have great friends and 2 guy friends who will happily step in when I need a �fake date� so who the F cares.
So, this is my attitude today. I know I�ll have relapses, but I�m going to try this out. I want to discover Janet. I want to discover what my life was always meant to be like. Tuesday, after the break up, I just cried so hard and felt so sad. I knew I was doing the right thing but I already missed B so much. By Thursday, I felt pretty good and a lot more positive. I know I�ll have moments where I miss him and it hurts, but really, I�m a lot less sad than I thought I would be. It�s all rather surprising. I don�t know if I�m in denial, or just feeling the exhilaration of shaking off something that was dragging me down. Time will tell, but this is a wave I could ride forever.
Now, back to the date thing � Jim has already e-mailed me today to say how much he�s looking forward to the date tonight. How sweet is that? And I have to say, he�s asked me out on a real date� not just a �want to come over and hang out� or an �I�ll make you dinner� which are both just excuses to get you in their bed. And you know what else? I don�t plan to sleep with him for a while. And if that means a guy doesn�t want to date me, who cares. I don�t need the guy anymore and I sure don�t need sex (don�t get me wrong, I LOVE sex, but I got hands, I can survive a little dry spell). What I DO need is my self-esteem.
