addiction
2005-02-16, 11:48 p.m.

Addiction. Food. Shopping. Sex. Those are my main addictions. But it can be anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Those are big ones. The big �anonymous� addictions. Then there�s also gambling. But it could be sleeping. TV. Exercise even. The Janet Definition of addiction � anything in excess that is used to hide from or mask our unwanted emotions. Right or wrong, that�s my definition of addiction. And the truth is, I have used them all. Friends can even be an addiction, when I use them to fill up my time so I don�t have to deal with my emotions. More often than not, friends really help me face my emotions but sometimes they are the buffer between me and the emotions.
I have really been thinking a lot about addiction.. some of this comes from reading Cactus (and no Cactus, I don�t you boring at all. I find you inspiring! Take a deep breath and take it in), and some of it comes from my friend Char who is dating a man who has been clean and sober for 9 years and stays that way by dedicating his life to giving back to the �anonymous� movement. (And just as an aside, even the AA and NA and �A� meetings can be an addiction in my book, again for the same reason, when a person fills their life so full of meetings just so they won�t have to really feel things)
Food gives me joy for that minute the food is in my mouth. And sometimes, I have the joy of anticipation of the food. The idea of the craving, the shopping or ordering, the waiting, the cooking and then finally, the eating. When I am sad or angry, I can forget the emotion for that moment the food is in my mouth. Shopping is kind of the same thing, but much more involved for me. There�s a lot more anticipation and planning. Then there�s the experience of looking around the store, choosing what I want, trying clothes on (and lately, finding that they fit!), and then the actual purchasing. But even more, after that, I get to continue to take my purchases out of the bag and look at them, I can lay them on my bed and think about them over and over again. Then, I get to actually wear or enjoy them. But the moment eventually fades, the newness is gone, and I am left once again with my emotions.
When I can just �be� with my emotions, it is much better. I can actually feel the pain of loss, or the anger. I hate it, I wish it wasn�t so, but I really experience it. I think when I allow myself to do this, I move through it faster. But sometimes, it just hurts so much and I�d give anything to make it go away. This usually leads to bad choices � choices that either are addictive behaviors or that lead me right back into the situation that caused the pain in the first place.
I don�t want to be addicted to anything. I want to be alive. I want a life that is full of everything that makes us human. And that also means pain. So there it is. It might also mean that life won�t turn out like I want it to, but that has to be okay.
I�ve also been thinking a lot about this whole idea of being single. And how I rebel against it. Just the idea of being in a relationship validated me and gave me an identity. Now I have to remember the Janet that functions on her own. The one that can be single and enjoy life. She�s in there somewhere and I�ll draw her out again. Part of it, for me, is the whole idea of the biological clock. I do want children. I want to be pregnant and have babies. It doesn�t have to be right now, I just want to know that it will happen. If I had that guarantee, I think I could relax more. So, I�m just going to pretend that it�s a given right now.. I�m telling myself that it will happen next year, but that it for sure won�t happen this year no matter what. And funny thing, just telling myself that helped me to relax. And I realized, that what I really want is to just have fun, to maybe go on dates if I want, but mostly just to work on me. I want to run. I want to go on trips. I want to go to Disneyland, go to the movies. I want to laugh and read good books and enjoy the company of my friends. And maybe, in there somewhere, I will enjoy going on a date. But I think I need to not focus on finding a replacement relationship. Because that�s just another addiction.
Which leads me to the point I was originally planning to make, and yet somehow got away from� for me, dating and men are also an addiction. There�s a big part of me that wants to immediately join every dating site I can think of. I like getting e-mails and winks and validation from men. I enjoy it. It boosts my confidence. But it is just a way for me to hide from my pain. And that would be an addiction for me. So I�ve made one decision for sure� no dating sites until March 5th at the VERY earliest. (I know, that�s kind of still soon, and I can put it off if the date approaches and I�m not ready � oh, and why March 5th? Well, I figured I should at least get through the month of February and then the first week of March I�ll be in San Antonio, so I figured March 5th was as good a day as any). But I also think that when I do decide to join a dating site and take dating seriously, I need to do it with a different mindset. It�s not about finding my partner. It�s just about meeting new people, expanding my horizons and having fun. If I can succeed at keeping that mind set, I think it will make all the difference in the world.
So, it�s nearly midnight. I think those were all the thoughts I needed to get off my chest before I could fall asleep. Let�s hope so, because I am tired and I do have to work tomorrow.

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