just a dream
2004-12-02, 8:31 a.m.

I�m trying to decide if I�m going to break up with B or stay together. It�s feeling like I want to break up with him but not right now. A part of me just wants to do it, get over it and move on. But there�s other parts of me that�s just not ready. Because if I do break up with him, I can�t be his friend, at least not for a while. I can�t see him and not be with him, I know I am not able to deal with that right now. And I really can�t imagine not having him in my life right now. There�s lots of reasons to break up with him and lots of reasons not to, some of those reasons not to are ones only I understand and that�s fine. It�s my life, no one has to understand but me.
I really don�t want to do it right now for several reasons:
1. I really try not to make major life decisions when my brain is all skewed. I�ve made these kind of life decisions during mania/depressive phases and I�ve always regretted them. What bothers me now didn�t seem to bother me as much a month ago before my brain got all freaky on me, so it�s almost as if I can�t really trust my emotions on this one right now. A good reason to wait.
2. I just don�t want to go through a break up during the holidays. So I�m just trying to get through this time, then see how I feel in January.
3. I don�t want to kick him when he�s down. The man just lost his job, I don�t think a break up would improve his mood any.
So I�m trying an experiment right now to see how it all feels. This morning, I woke up and decided to pretend as if our whole relationship was a dream I had last night. I still have those pleasant memories, those whispers from the dream that I want to hang on to, but it�s not real. And it helps me not to think about it, it helps me not to have to make a decision right now.

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