Dear Jill,
The words just never seem to come at those moments when it is so important. It�s happened to me many times but never at a time when it was so crucial. Usually, I have a second chance to say the things I feel. But I know that tonight was my last chance. And sitting there tonight, by your hospital bed, I had so many thoughts in my head, so many things I wanted to say. But when I opened my mouth to speak, I felt myself crying, I knew if I tried to expel breath that big racking sobs would overtake my body. So I sat there in silence instead. Or talked to your family, trying to find conversation that wasn�t about you dying.
My tears felt so pitiful, so insignificant, as I sat next to your mother, your husband, your brother, your best friend. I have barely known you for a few years.
What right do I have to grieve as they do? But we feel what we feel and we don�t have to justify it. What I knew for sure is that I could not be there, trying to speak, trying to say goodbye when your daughters arrived.
What I wanted to say was this: I came in to the salon more for the chance to talk to you than to get my hair done. You always made me laugh and even when I came in grouchy, I left happy. The spring in my hair was matched by the spring in my step. Even if you destroyed my hair, the money I paid for a few hours with you was worth it. I always looked forward to my visits, they were always a bright spot for me. You were so easy to talk to and I found I could spill my secrets, my fears, my pain, effortlessly to you. When I would leave, my pain would be left on the floor with the hair, swept up and thrown in the trash. You brought a joy to the world that is hard to find.
I pray that these words will extend up into the cosmos and they will reach you. I hope as you are passing from one world to the next that you will know how truly loved you were, how much joy you brought to the world and how much we already miss you.
Love Janet
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Dear Cancer,
I HATE YOU. You do not deserve the lives you have stolen. I am so so tired of you. You are truly evil.
Despicably yours, Janet
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In memorial:
To my grandmother Louise who died when I was 15 months old from breast cancer. She named me. I have no memories of her, I was too young. She valiantly fought her cancer so that she would be alive to watch her grandaughters grow up. We were the joy of her existence. She lives on in the love and the stories of her family. Her last words were "Janet, such pretty hair�. I probably grieve for her the most because I never really got to know her. All my life I�ve been searching for that one person that would make me feel special. I always felt that if she had lived, it would have been her.
To my Aunt Ruth who became a grandmother to me and died of bone cancer that spread from breast cancer. I loved spending weekends at your house. You always had hugs and cookies for me and my sister. Your home was a haven to me, a place to have fun.
To Julie who died from bone cancer that spread from breast cancer, who left behind two young girls to navigate the world without their mother. I always enjoyed our conversations. Your struggle and courage were amazing and you inspired so many people.
To Carol who died of liver cancer that spread from lung cancer. I always felt so welcome in your home and your life. You greeted me and brought me in and helped me feel at home, you helped me feel like I belonged.
To all the daughters left motherless adn all the mothers left daughterless. To the husbands left widowed. To the friends, the brothers, the sisters.
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In Celebration of your survival and your courage:
To Kathy who survives lung cancer. You are always so upbeat and hopeful. Your faith inspires others to believe.
To my mom who survives breast cancer. You kept up the bravest face and never complained. During your recovery and chemotherapy, you continued to give to others. You never let us doubt for a minute that you wouldn�t make it. I don�t know what I would do without you in my life.
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To every woman out there: Do a monthly breast self-examination. See your doctor once a year for a breast exam. Get a mammogram. Don�t be afraid.
