All that's missing is the rain
2004-10-12, 11:40 a.m.

I�ve been trying to extend the numbness of my existence. I�ve been trying to wrap myself in a cocoon of nothingness. I try to block out my thoughts, my feelings, my existence. I live in moments that never exist as I try to construct a happy mind, a peaceful place to lay my head. I am pretending. But the shit will always hit the fan eventually. Mine hit last night around 0 dark 30.
I read somewhere that a full sleep cycle lasts 1.5 hours. And that if we wake up after a complete cycle, we will feel rested, regardless of how many cycles we have completed. So I view my sleep in 1.5 hour increments. If I know I need to get up at 6 AM, I think back, okay 6 hours is 4 cycles, I need to fall asleep by 12. If I fall asleep at 1:30 I�ll get 3 cycles. And so on and so on, I count down as the clock moves and night passes.
Last night, I watched the clock tick away at my hopes of being well-rested. Minute by minute I tried to run from the thoughts and feelings that chased after me in the night. I had visions of getting in my car and driving. Driving anywhere. Going anywhere. Running away. I looked at the clock: midnight, 1 AM, 2 AM. It just kept going and as fast as I ran towards sleep, sleep ran from me. I kept thinking of all I had to do at work today. I thought of the meetings. The important things that needed to get done. And I kept thinking over and over �I HAVE to be at work tomorrow�. Then finally at 2:06 AM, I said to myself �Why?� Why do I have to be at work tomorrow? What will happen if I�m not there? Will life go on? Will the universe continue to spin on its course? The answer was yes. It would inevitably be okay.
So at 2 AM, I called and left a voicemail for my boss and told him I wouldn�t be in today. I then called our admin and asked her to please go into my calendar and send a decline on all my meetings today. When I was done with that, I turned my phone off, turned the clock off, turned myself off. Funny thing, after I let go of trying to sleep, I fell asleep rather quickly.
I haven�t slept well in quite a while. I don�t even remember my last night of peaceful, rejuvenating sleep. One of three things happens to me in my sleep. 1. I toss and turn and can�t fall asleep until the middle of the night. 2. I fall asleep quickly but wake up every hour or 3. I fall asleep quickly then wake up at 4 AM and stay awake for 2 hours. I keep thinking that everything will be better if I could just get a good night�s sleep. But the truth is, sleep won�t cure what ails me.
Neither will staying in my pajamas all day, but that�s what I�m doing. I am sitting here safely ensconced in the most comfortable flannel pajama bottoms and the world�s most comfortable white t-shirt. My bed is soft and fluffy and as close to a haven as I can get these days. The only thing that is missing is the rain. My phone is still turned off and the world has ceased to exist for the most part. I really don�t care who might be trying to reach me today. The world won�t end if they have to leave a message.
I simultaneously do and don�t know what is sucking the life out of me. Things with Beavis (my newest name for Brian � the flip side is Butthead. Sometimes he�s Beavis and sometimes he�s Butthead). We�ve actually had two fantastic weeks where he was turning back into the man I fell in love with. I was starting to have some hope. I didn�t have to question when he said he loved me because he treated me in a way that I just knew. And then he had a crisis in his personal life and it�s all gone. We�re back to the �I�ll call you later� and no call comes. And I am tired, so so tired. And all I want to do is sleep because when I�m sleeping, I don�t feel the pain. I don�t have to think, I don�t have to feel, I don�t have to remember, to question, to doubt, to fear, to hurt so bad that I want to tear my skin off.
Work, I don�t even want to talk about work. About how I sit at my desk with a million things that need to get done and how instead of getting any of them done, I stare at my computer screen and ache. About how everyone wants something, about how I tell them what I need from them in order to get them what they need, about how they don�t provide it and then tell the whole world that the thing that is wrong with our department is that there isn�t enough training. When! When! When have I denied you training? When have I sat in front of you and told you NO? Never. I tell you I need information, I need examples, I need cases so I can know exactly what is needed. But you don�t provide it. Then you sit in your meetings and say that our department would run much better if so and so would get the training that he/she needs. No, the answer isn�t that they need more training. The answer is that we need people with brains working for us. We need supervisors and managers that aren�t out to back-stab and lie and take people down so they can climb higher on the heap of dead bodies they have created.
I don�t want to die. I�m not suicidal. I�m just overwhelmed. I hate 2004. I can�t think of it with anything remotely positive. The whole year just hurts. Every memory, every bit of it. And while I am glad that the days are ticking by like seconds on a clock, it hurts too. It hurts to see time passing and my life getting worse. My world getting smaller. I am losing my dreams. I don�t believe they are going to come true. And years and years and years will continue to pass and I will have nothing to show for it. My life is insignificant. Meaningless. There is no point.
So I stay in my pajamas today. Tomorrow I will get dressed. I promise.

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