Freedom. Powerful. Empowered. Joyful. Confident. Excited. Motivated. Inspired. Happy. Peaceful.
These are just some of the adjectives that describe my mood. I went out of town for the weekend. Took a girl�s weekend with some friends and went to Palm Springs. While I was there, I did very little other than think and lay around in the sun. It was relaxing. It was needed. I am a bit redder and much more calm.
What I have realized is this: I don�t need anyone else in life to make me happy. I can live a fulfilling and wonderful life without a husband and without children. I can be successful at whatever I set my heart on and I don�t need a relationship to define my success. After weeks/months/years of telling myself this, it is finally sinking in. I�m not saying I won�t have relapses, but right now, I�m feeling good. I feel like I�m finally letting go of some of the crap that has been holding me back in life.
I often have these memories of things that I�ve done, things maybe that took place as a child, or things that happened a year ago. They are memories of occasions where I did something I wish I hadn�t done. Stupid things like letting someone buy me lunch and not offering to repay the favor, hitting someone when I was 7 years old. I mean, really, stupid shit. And when I flash on these memories, I literally flinch. I mean, my head or mouth or eyes twitch when I remember them. I am working on offering myself forgiveness and reminding myself that no one else involved even remembers or cares about these things. It�s just another thing I�m letting go of � the guilt for sins long since forgotten by everyone but me. It�s a gift I am giving myself.
I am also letting go of B. Right now, the whole relationship is pushed and created and moved by me. It�s all my effort. He�s barely lifting a finger. I keep saying it�s okay because he�s not in a place to give right now. But it�s not. It�s not okay and I need/deserve/want more. The thing I�m realizing is that I�d rather be alone than giving to someone who can�t give back. So, I am letting go of him. I haven�t called him, e-mailed him or made any sort of contact with him in a week. I haven�t heard from him either. I don�t know if he�s going to wake up one day and realize something is missing or not. I can�t worry about that. I have to take care of me.
It�s funny, because now that I�ve recognized that I don�t need a man to make me happy, to make me feel successful, to make me feel pretty, confident or fulfilled, I feel like I have all this power. And it feels good. I like this feeling. I want more of it.
So last night, I was over at my friend�s house and I was sitting at this computer. This guy instant messages her and I say hi and explain that I am her friend sitting at her computer. He explains that he�s new in town and trying to make friends. He says he�s a fireman and has just gotten off his 3 day shift, do I want to meet. I said sure, and we made plans for me to call him. He explained that he�s looking for friends but also for a physical relationship. I was okay with that. As long as it starts out with friendship, it seems okay to me. So when I call him, the tune suddenly changes and he�s saying how if I can�t promise him a blow job he doesn�t want to meet. Whatever dude. So I was driving my friend�s son to meet his dad for their night out and he said to call him after I dropped off the son if I wanted to meet. I never called. I truly didn�t care. A year ago, I would have been desperate for his attention and filled with the hope that he would grow to care about me as more than just a body. But last night, didn�t care at all. I didn�t need him. And I knew I didn�t want what he was offering. So I continued my drive home and lo and behold, about 15 minutes later, I get a call from him.
Horny boy: You didn�t call
Janet: No, I am not going to guarantee you a blow job tonight and you told me you don�t want to meet if you don�t have a guarantee
Horny boy: That�s not what I said
Janet: (laughing) You might want to pay attention to what you say, that�s what you said.
Horny boy: That�s not what I meant. You sure you don�t want to meet tonight?
Janet: I�m already almost home.
Horny boy: I guess I�ll talk to you sometime when you are feeling wilder.
Janet: No, we�ll talk sometime when you are not so horny.
So, it�s funny that I can just walk away and not need him. If he calls me again, maybe we�ll enjoy talking and have a friendship. Maybe not. Who cares. I don�t.
So, I did go back to the gym last night. I had decided that my line in the sand was labor day. Life after labor day has to be drastically different than life before. This means:
Consistent workouts
Healthy eating (no diets, no restrictions, just regular, healthy meals)
No dating for the month of September
No unnecessary spending
Focused on me, doing things I want to do and living the life I want to have
I am just trying to enjoy life. I�ve decided to bug out of town for Thanksgiving. I am tired of being home during the holidays wishing I had someone to spend it with. So I�m not even going to make that a problem this year. I am going on vacation, even if it means going by myself. I�m just going to find some kind of travel deal for that week and get on an airplane and leave the state. Might do the same at Christmas.
Some friends and I have bought season tickets to the local performing arts center. We got crappy seats but we got tickets to 5 Broadway plays for $100 so who cares. Hairspray, Oliver, Lion King, Moving Out (and 1 other that I forget the name) are all in my future. In two weeks, I�m going camping with my sister. In September or October, I�m going to go to the House of Blues Gospel Brunch. I am going to treat myself to a spa day.
I have also decided that I need to figure out a different way to make my mark on the world�. I have decided to leave my writing as my immortality instead of worrying about having children. In light of this, I got a new idea for a novel the other night and I have begun writing. I am excited about this.
I have also decided to look into buying some property. There�s a place here in California that is a relatively inexpensive place to buy property. From my knowledge of the region, I have reason to believe that the area is going to skyrocket in the next few years. I want to be in on this. Also, I have vacationed there and find it to be one of the most relaxing places on the planet. I have a vision of living there, after my novel is published. I picture myself sitting on the deck looking at the beautiful scenery writing my second novel. It�s a nice picture. And one that I can do all by myself. It excites me.
So that�s what I�m doing and that�s where I�m going. Come along for the ride.
