You know how there�s a vacant lot, nothing is built there but people walk across it� there are no homes or buildings. No residents or tenants. But so many people walk across it that there are permanent paths in the tall grass. There�s lots of trash and debris. The discards of those who�ve come and gone and didn�t care enough to leave it better than they found it. Many people walk through it, but few think about sticking around and building something. This is sort of like my vagina.
So I�ve been compiling my list. I THINK I�ve remembered everyone. Actual penetraters that is (you know, penetration, sexual intercourse). I�m up to 44. (If I included those I fooled around with but didn't actually have genital to genital contact, that number would probably double.) Considering that 40 of those occurred between January 1999 and September, 2003, that�s rather alarming. Well, I�m alarmed actually. Not ashamed. Just surprised. How did this happen? How did so many men get in my pants. (Well, actually, how did so many men get my PANTS off?)
I suppose it�s a deadly combination of childhood sexual abuse coupled with poor self image as a result of living my life as a fat girl in a skinny world.
From the multiple molestation episodes, I learned that men = sex. To take it to the basest level. I mean, hell, there�s more to it than that, but I guess that�s the gist of it. I�ve explored the implications of this in other entries.
Considering my first three sexual experiences were one-night stands as a result of MY shame from committing something outside of my own value system and considering they were followed by 11 years of celibacy, the number 44 is surprising to me. And scary. I mean, damn, it could just as well be 50 or 100 now. 44! I am just scared, scared that the number will keep growing. Scared that I haven�t learned anything from my 3.5 wild years.
All I ever really wanted was one guy. Just one. One steady guy to love and live my life with. I would have been okay with that. I didn�t need wildness. I didn�t need variety. I just wanted love.
And that is the problem. That is how I got to 44. I am not saying I didn�t play a role and that these men forced me into anything (with only one exception). But I was just looking for love. And I didn�t know the right way to look. And I didn�t have enough respect for myself to understand that sex does not equal love. And by the time I figured that lesson out, I was just a slave to flattery. Feeling like I spent my whole life thinking I was ugly because I was fat, any guy who told me I was beautiful could just about get whatever they wanted. And a lot of them just said it to get one thing. And by the time I realized this, my list had gotten pretty damn long.
So what have I learned?
I�ve learned that I�d rather have a friend than a one night stand.
I�ve learned that sex does not make me happy.
I�ve learned that no matter how he touches me, if he hasn�t taken time to get to know me, to spend time with me outside of bed, he doesn�t care.
I�ve learned that sometimes it�s better just to go home and masturbate.
I�ve learned that it�s okay to have sex as long as I understand what it really is and not expect anything from it.
I�ve learned that I enjoy it a lot more when there�s love involved.
I�ve learned that if either one of you has to lie about it, it�s just not worth it.
I�ve learned that I can be fat and beautiful at the same time.
I�ve learned that just because he calls me sweetie does not mean he cares.
Things I am still learning:
That being married does not make you a better person
That being single does not make me less of a person
That a regular sex life will not make me happy
That I don�t need anyone to call me beautiful to know that I am
That a boyfriend/husband won�t make me happy or solve all my problems
That I am enough, just as I am
Here are all their names: Greg, Keith 1, Brent, John 1, David, Ford guy (can�t remember his name but I remember his truck), Steve 1, Scott, Keith 2, Michael, Camille, Fred, Solomon, Jose, Tim, Ron, Frenchman (again, can�t remember his name), Armando, Chris, Danny, Joe, Joel, Tim, Mark, Mike, Gil, Cedric, Ricky, Robert, D�Artagnan, Jon, George, Erik, John 2, Craig, Cord, Romeo, Landon, Daniel, Todd, Gevik, Sagar, Bruce, Brian
The ones that meant something: Brent, John 1, Camille, Fred, Jose, Joel, Robert, D�Artagnan, Daniel, Todd, Sagar, Brian.
The ones I loved: John 1, Camille, Brian.
For one glorious year, the vacant lot has been locked up, gated, and only 1 man has tread on it. One man that I thought might build something there, clean it up and keep all the trash out. But that man has given back his key. And I don�t know what happens next.
