When I went to elementary school, my elementary school was the oldest school in the city. It was built in the early 1900�s. It was a beautiful building. The school was like one big long building, longer than a football field. There was a hallway down the middle with classrooms on each side of the hallway. The hallway was about 15 feet wide and had hardwood floors.
Imagine, if you will, that hallway. A 15 feet wide hallway that is as long or longer than a football field. Now imagine that the floor is tile. And imagine that it is empty. Now take a marble and throw it down the hallway. Bounce it hard against the tile floor. Hear it knocking and banging as it moves down the hallway. Listen to the echo of the marble. It sounds so empty and lonely. That�s how I feel. I feel like an empty hallway, 15 feet wide by 100 yards long. Inside of me is a marble banging around, knocking against the floor. The marble is all that I have and it�s not enough to fill me.
Last night, I was lying in bed trying to sleep. I was so tired I could barely stay awake, yet when I turned off the light to go to bed, I was awake, filled with thoughts. I have much to be stressed about these days. There�s the whole drama with B, which hurts on so many levels. Then I have 2 friends who are dying of cancer. They were both doing better but now one of them is living (if you can call it that) out her last few days on this earth. She will probably die sometime this week or next. The other one was doing pretty well but they just discovered that it has spread to her lungs. In addition to those things, my best friend Char is in the middle of leaving her boyfriend of 5 years. It is an ugly breakup with fear of domestic violence. I�m trying to be there for her during a time when I don�t feel I have much to give. Then on top of all of those things, I have a damaging situation here at work. I have to consult with a lawyer before I proceed. (Due to the fact that some people at work read my journal and the sensitive nature of the issues, I cannot go into it further at this time, but I promise you it will be ugly and it is VERY stressful).
Physically, I haven�t been feeling very well. I have had frequent headaches, daily actually. I am not the kind of person who usually gets headaches. Headaches are very rare for me. I have frequent dizzy spells, the world turns black and I think I�m going to pass out. Then the world opens up from the tiny dot and I feel normal once again. I have been very nauseous. Then last night, as I was lying in bed, I began to experience severe vertigo-like symptoms. I was lying on my stomach, and I felt like I was on a merry-go-round. Not only was my body going in circles, but it was bouncing up and down, as if I was on a carousel horse. But the horse was moving at twice the normal speed. It was a horrible feeling. It finally went away after about 10 minutes. I don�t know what to make of this strange combination of physical issues. They are possibly all related. Truth is, they could be caused by stress. Or they could be caused by the rather intense beating I gave my head 2 weeks ago when I banged it repeatedly against the wall.
