As I lay in bed, quietly awaking from sleep, I can feel my body expanding and stretching, filling with air like a balloon. My soul begins to contract, harden and become as small, hard and lifeless as a marble. The marble of my soul kicks around my air filled body, making plunking noises as it bounces against the confines of my body. I feel giant and empty and want to be filled.
Damn summer weather. I wanted to cut myself last night but couldn�t think of any place that wouldn�t show now that it�s warm and shorts, tank tops, bathing suits and other revealing clothes are in fashion. I thought about cutting my stomach or my butt, but then I thought if I saw B, he would know. And if I cut, it�s my secret. So I didn�t.
Last night was the first time that I wanted to die and couldn�t come up with a single reason why I should live. Usually there�s some event or project I want to finish up before I can die. Last night, I couldn�t think of anything. The only things in my life could be tied up with a nice little suicide note leaving some instructions. I didn�t write the note.
I�m still alive.
No attempts were made.
But I did cry for about 2 hours straight.
I am sore.
And tired.
And still overwhelmingly sad.
