Some days, I�m totally okay. I feel confident about the future. I feel relaxed about where I am right now. I feel secure in my relationship with B. I feel patient that the waiting will bring something worthwhile.
And then there are days like yesterday and this morning. Days when I have to work hard to keep myself from crying. Days when I try to remain in control and put on my public face. Days when it�s hard to believe that life will ever have good things for me. Days when I can�t see beyond the struggle.
Yesterday, after work, I went with JoeBoxer to go see �A Day Without A Mexican�. On the way over to the theatre, I just wanted to cry. I felt so overwhelmed. There are so many things to deal with emotionally right now. I wanted to cry and started to. But then I knew I was going to be in public for a while, at the theater, so I just stuffed it back in, telling myself that I could cry when I got home. After the movie, while driving home, I was overwhelmed by the need to cry. All I could think about was getting home, getting to my safe room where I could curl up in the bed and have a good cry. I didn�t think I was going to make it there.
Once I got home, of course, I couldn�t cry. The tears wouldn�t come. I just laid in bed for 2 hours with the lights off wishing I had a genie to make it all better. I knew that if I went in the shower, the pressure of the hot water would release my tears. But then I�d be wet and have to dry off and get dressed and that seemed like too much work for me right then. I think it would have been worth the energy because then I would have gotten the tears out. Instead, I am still carrying them. And today on the way to work, I started to cry again. And again, I told myself, no, you can�t cry now. So I have to carry it around all day, and wait until I get home. And then I can cry. But not really then either, because I�m supposed to go to a barbecue tonight. So it won�t be until late tonight that I can cry. And by that time, I probably won�t be able to again.
After what B shared with me the other night, I can understand why he has nothing to give. And I know he needs me in his life. But still, I feel so shut out. He needs me, but doesn�t really want me around. I know how that is, when your brain is full of guilt, pain and longing to die, it�s hard to sit in a room with other people. So I can understand, but it doesn�t stop me from hurting too. It�s hard to be patient not knowing what the future is bringing. He wants to die and I can understand why. And he truly doesn�t have anything to offer right now. He can�t provide any support to me. He can�t be there for me. And I feel selfish for wanting things from him. But when is it my turn? When do I get to have someone in MY life to support me?
