I�m doing my best to take a 1 day vacation from stress. There�s just too much to deal with and too many things to worry about. I needed to take a day off from it. My mom has been trying to reach me to talk about my car, which will cost about $800 more than the original estimate, because of course, when the gasket blew, it didn�t go down alone. Honestly, I just can�t think about it right now.
Last night, I was on the verge of a breakdown. I thought about getting in the car (the van I am borrowing from my uncle anyway � yes, I�m a mad non-mom in a minivan) and going for a long drive and ending up god knows where, but I needed to buy gas and I wasn�t in the mood. I took the dog for a walk instead.
How I spent my week by Janet S*l*r:
After a very busy Tuesday finalizing the manual and all the activities for the training, I now have that very large monkey off of my back. We went to print on Tuesday, found a few mistakes in the manual during our first training session, and we will make those updates for the next print run. All in all, it was horribly stressful getting this done. But, and it�s a big but, everyone loved the manual, commented on how professional it is, what a great job I did and blah blah blah. The kings of state (or department as it were) are much pleased. I�m even promised a bonus when I�m done making my big splash. I�m not gonna hold my breath, but here�s to hoping.
I have only 2 hours worth to do this weekend, that is a miracle. This past week, we had the Train-The-Trainer sessions and I did a great job of putting it all together, if I do say so myself. Because we will be having up to 4 sessions simultaneously, there is just no way for me to train everyone so we selected individuals to assist. I have all their activities planned out and have put together a Trainer�s Kit for each one with everything they are going to need, from sign in sheets to extra pens. It even has toys (for adults to expend their extra physical energy so they can pay mental attention) to candy (which helps bring up people�s energy levels). I am very proud of myself. I done good!
Friday, my boss gave me the day off, but I was unable to utilize this special gift, as I had a 2.5 hour meeting to kick off the new P&P team for our department. Here�s what pissed me off in that meeting and caused me to leave work on the verge of tears: (beware, it�s probably to most not that big of a deal, but it pissed me off completely) It used to be part of my job to write the P&P�s. When someone would say we needed a P&P about this or that (P&P = Policy and Procedure, i.e. the rules that govern the employees of our department) then I would just write it and run it past our management team at the weekly meetings and blammo, that was it. So last year or so, our company was audited and in our department they determined that we didn�t have enough P&P�s. So my department decided to hire someone to be in charge of all the P&P�s. I did not apply for this position. Writing P&P�s is really not my favorite thing to do. They hired another person for the job.
The new job is a level 9. I am a level 7. The person who was hired has absolutely NO communication skills. She cannot speak in front of people and she cannot write. I am not making this up either. She is a joke even outside of our department and no one can figure out how she got the job. She makes 10$ more an hour than me. And I have to edit all of her work. So that is piss off #1. I went into the meeting with this resentment already present.
Second thing� the project for organizing and writing all the P&P�s for our department was determined to be an 18 month project. It�s 6 months into it. Wanna guess how many P&P�s have been finalized? None. And 6 months into it, she had her first meeting of the P&P team. This should have happened months ago. So she�s been spending 6 months deciding how she�s going to do the job instead of just DOING IT. That is my number one red-tape pet peeve. I�m more like Nike when it comes to work. Just Do It. So what pissed me off is that I�ve been working my ass off on this damn training manual and training, got a happy meal for a raise, no promotion and I am having to rewrite the work of a person who is 2 levels above me and that person is making 10$ more an hour than me.
I left the meeting to gather my things and get the hell out of dodge, because I was only at work for the damn meeting, and found a 5 minute message from my mom about the state of my car. Side note�My parents have been dealing with the mechanics as it was their recommendation and I just haven�t had time. So she leaves me this message that it�s going to be about $800 more and this is why, listing the three things that need to be done and then an explanation of what will happen if they aren�t finished. I just don�t need all that information on my voice mail. A simple, �It�ll be $800 more and call me for details� would have been sufficient.
So, it all added up to a bad mood for me. Sometimes I just don�t know when I�m going to have 1 good day. 1 day without bad news. 1 day without stress. Hence my decision to take a stress vacation today. I just get so frustrated when I am working hard and have nothing to show for it and can�t do anything nice for myself because there�s always something like a car or a speeding ticket from El Paso, Texas from a cop who picked on me simply because I�m from California, or car insurance or rent to take my hard earned cash. You�d think after work 80 hours a week for the last 6 weeks I should be able to do something nice for myself. Without guilt.
I just get so frustrated because I miss TheSpaceCowboy and when I have a bad day I just want to come home and be held. And I don�t get too. And even if he does come home soon, which he expects to pass through town next week, I�ll only get a few hours and then he�s off again. And it�s killing me. I hate fighting all my battles with no one by my side. I�m tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone. I�m tired of being alone.
I don�t have any answers, but this afternoon I took myself to the movies. I saw 50 first dates and I was probably the only one in the theater who was crying at the end. Basically, without ruining the movie, she gets to wake up every day to find out that all of her dreams have come true. I never get to wake up to that. I enjoyed the movie but it made me sad.
Basically, my mood is sad and stressed. You know that feeling you get in your chest/stomach right after you�ve been frightened? I have that all the time now. I don�t know how to make it go away. I feel like someone�s holding a gun to my head. I hate it and I can�t make it go away.
