This has been a really crazy week, the insanity will be an entirely different journal entry. But today I wanted to post the remainder of my spiritual journey, as promised. I have one reader who is chomping at the bit for the rest of the story, so here it is:
One day on campus, as I was going to buy my books, I was approached by 2 girls to invite me to bible studies with other college students. I was very excited, as I wanted to meet other students at my school, people with the same beliefs, people who were in the same place in life as I was. What I discovered was not just a new set of friends, but an entirely different lifestyle.
This church was hard-core. I won�t name the church, but I will from here on refer to it as the HardCoreFundamentalistChristianChurch (HCFCC) or as �The Cult�. It was a total lifestyle. Not just something to do, a place to go on Sunday, but a way to live every moment of the day. There were good things about it, and things that were questionable. I�ll talk about both. First the questionable.
To be a member of The Cult, you had to go through a series of studies and be baptised. In The Cult�s eyes, if you didn�t do things their way, you were not a christian. It didn�t matter what had come before this, their way was the only way to heaven. To deny this meant you were hard-headed and not humble before god. In The Cult, members only dated members. Because you wanted to be, as the bible says, equally yoked. You wanted a partner who had the same view of life as you. If you were single, you should be going on dates with other church members every Saturday. Saturday was date night.
Almost every day had a purpose. Sunday, of course, was church. Wednesday�s were mid-week service. Friday�s were for fellowship and group activities of some kind. Sometimes it was a devotional with all the college students, other times, the students from each campus got together for some kind of fun and outreach. There was usually another night during the week when a small group would meet for a �bible talk� and other nights when you might be studying the bible with a new potential cult member. Or, at any time, you might come home to find a message that there was a meeting called for that night, or it was time to go out �sharing your faith� which was supposed to mean you would go out and find people who were searching and have intense conversations about god and faith and all that, but which usually simply turned in to walking up to perfect strangers and inviting them to church. I�m sure this is how Jesus intended for us to convert the masses. Never mind the whole relationship thing Jesus had going on. I mean, wouldn�t you want to renounce sin just because someone invited you to a new church? The whole thing was ridiculous. And it was impossible to have friends outside the church because you a) had no time and b) you were supposed to constantly be at work on converting them. So, it was a busy life, to say the least. During this time, I worked full time, went to school full time, then had this other full life in The Cult. It�s no wonder I spent those years sick with every illness I could find.
Dating in the church was very different. It wasn�t necessarily about finding people you were interested in and then going out and getting to know them. It was about that, but it was also about �encouraging each other�. Which meant that you were encouraged to ask out people just to make them feel better. So you often went out with people that you didn�t even like. Pity dates you might call them. And girls could ask boys too. But generally the boys asked the girls. I had a few pity dates. I also was someone�s pity date on occasion. But oh well. Now, to become boyfriend/girlfriend, you had to get permission from church leadership. You had to be �spiritual� and right for each other. Then the boy had to ask the girl. And once you were �dating�, then you really weren�t supposed to be alone together. You didn�t make out or have sex or any of that. That was all unpure. So holding hands and a peck on the lips was the extent of the physical relationship. Couples went out on double dates, even non-dating couples. Because purity was important.
On the subject of purity�there was not supposed to be any impurity at all. No impure talk, no fantasy thoughts, no sex, no masturbation, nothing. I did not have sex for 11 years (the first 6 years was more because of my own sexual and self-esteem hang ups). And for 4 of those 11 years, I didn�t even masturbate. (I was in The Cult for 5 years, but I didn�t make it all 5 years without masturbating, and then I was �in sin�, but we�ll get to that later). I fought hard not to even think about sex, because that was wrong. And males and females weren�t supposed to be alone together, because it might lead to impurity. Despite this, occasionally someone would be called to be accountable and you would hear about couples breaking up due to impurity. If you were impure, that was it� you were no longer spiritual enough to be dating and you obviously weren�t supporting each other in your spiritual growth, so that was it. Done deal. The decision was made by someone else.
Tithing � the bible states that a tithe is 10 percent of your income. And that it is a requirement to tithe. So I could support that. We each filled out a paper stating our income and our weekly tithe and commitment to tithe that every week. After our midweek, we met in small groups where we would turn in our tithes for the week. It was a big deal, and everyone had to turn theirs in. And if they didn�t have it, they were disciplined in front of the whole group. Then at least once a year, there would be a meeting on tithing and we would be asked to increase our commitment. When I first joined, I was a full time college student and also worked full time. I made $7 an hour. I worked 40 hours a week. So my weekly income was $280. I committed to tithe $28 a week. As the years went by, I changed my hours and began working only 30 hours a week. Every time they asked, I increased my tithe by at least $5. So by the 3rd year, I was making about $200 a week and I had increased my tithe to $57 a week. This meant I was tithing more than 25% of my income. I couldn�t pay my bills. I was bouncing checks. I couldn�t afford to live. Not at any time did someone say, hey Janet, I think it would be financially wise for you to reduce your tithe. No one said anything. Because they just wanted my money. At one point, I reduced my hours again and requested to lower my tithe. I had to get permission to do this. Even though, technically, the biblical requirement was 10%, I was told that I had made a commitment to god and I had to honor that. At another time, I had lost my job. I was not working. Hence 0 income. I did not have my tithe for the very first time. I was still expected to pay that money. It became a debt I owed the church. Let�s see, 10% of 0 is 0. So why is it that I owed money?
In addition to weekly tithing, every year we were asked to contribute a special contribution which was, supposedly used for church missions and growth and special projects around the world. I say supposedly because I have heard since then that this money may not have gone where it was earmarked. I have no proof or evidence of that, only hearsay, so I say supposedly. I don�t really know. I think it�s fine to ask a church for a special contribution. In fact, in the bible, we learn that it�s a biblical concept and was often asked of the members of the early church to support growth and the church worldwide. The problem wasn�t that they asked for a special contribution. The problem was that giving was a requirement. And they didn�t just require you to give, they told you how much you were supposed to give. So generally it was 20 or more times your normal weekly contribution. When I was tithing $57 a week, this would mean I was REQUIRED to �give� $1140. I was a college student making $200 a week. I could barely pay my bills. That was a hell of a lot of money. And if you didn�t give, then you were considered ungodly and sinful. I�ll get more into those concepts in a bit. So basically, my time in TheCult created financial problems for me that I am still dealing with today.
In order to meet out special contribution requirement, we were encouraged to do many different things. There were frequent garage sales, holding impromptu walk-a-thons, selling baked goods, even selling of valuable possessions. At one time, I sold a diamond pendant that I had inherited from my great-aunt. This was irreplaceable. It is gone forever and I regret selling it.
All members were encouraged to live with other members. Often, college students were encouraged to move out when they didn�t even have jobs. They were encouraged to step out on faith. Because it was much more godly to live with other people who were seeking the same path as yourself so you should have the faith that you will have what you need. And then they would have to go get jobs and some people, because of this, lost support from their families. I knew a few people who were disowned because of their involvement in TheCult.
The leadership was seen as the direct representative of god on earth. They were appointed by god and any command they gave was to be viewed as god�s word or direction. To disobey a leader was to disobey god. I remember one time while I was in college. During this time, I was working full time, I was going to school full time. I was also going to the gym every single day because being fat was sinful. On top of that, I had all the regular activities of TheCult. I was expected to be at every meeting. They referred to it as the body of christ (which is biblical, the church is called the body of christ in Acts) and that the body can�t meet without it�s hand so if the body was meeting, you were expected to be there. The only excuses were for non-regular meetings because you might have work or something. But if you had a family gathering, then you should pick the church over the family. (In an aside, I was 3 hours late for my father�s 50th birthday party because I HAD to go to church). If you were going to be a member of TheCult, you were expected to be committed to Wednesday night services, Friday night get-togethers and Sunday morning services. Anything less and you didn�t really love god. So, okay, back to the leadership thing. So, in addition to my 40 hour a week job and my full-time course load with homework, and my 2 hours at the gym every day, I attended church or a church related activity at least 14 hours a week (each service was about 2-3 hours long, and you weren�t on time unless you were early and you were expected to stay after and fellowship and then often had duties to perform after services, such as counting tithe on Wednesday�s and preparing communion and such). This was a very busy and crazy time for me. I was also, as a result of being a preschool teacher, sick all the time. So this particular January, I had bronchitis. I had had it for 2 months already and had not been able to get well. Partly, I am sure, because of the hectic schedule and my lack of sleep. It was a Thursday night. I had gotten home from the gym to hear that they had called an emergency meeting for our campus group. I think it started at 10. Yes, that�s right, 10 PM. A meeting. I had to be up at 5 AM the next day to get to work at 6:15 AM. But, again, the only good reason for missing a meeting of the body is death or work. I had neither excuse. To not be there would mean I didn�t love god. We got a lecture/sermon on how sinful we were, on how we were weak in the spirit, how we didn�t love god. We were told that we were not to go to bed until we had �shared our faith� (evangelized) with 20 people that night. There weren�t even 20 people awake at that time. And when we grumbled and complained about it, we were again told we were sinful and reminded that god had put our leadership in place and that we should view their direction as the word of god. To be disobedient meant we were disobeying god. They had scripture for all of this. Nothing was told to us without a scriptural reference, so it was easy to believe that you were doing the right thing. So, on the verge of pneumonia, I went out at Midnight and scoured the neighborhood for people to invite to church. I even stopped my car and talked to people riding a bike down the street. We went to grocery stores, gas stations, anywhere we could find people. It was embarrassing. We finished at about 2 AM. I crawled into bed and got a couple hours sleep before getting up the next day to go to work. It took me several more months before I was well.
When you joined TheCult, you were given a �discipleship partner�. This person was basically responsible for your life. You were encouraged to seek �advice� on any decision that you made, from the simplest to the most complex. Whether or not you went on a family vacation, what classes you were going to take, everything. This person was also responsible for calling out the sin in your life and helping you repent. So it was a constant barrage of criticism. I remember one time, I was basically told I was ungodly because my clothes weren�t fashionable enough. There was occasional encouragement on things, but what I remember most is the criticism. Nothing was ever good enough and every aspect of your life, from what you ate, to how much you slept, was linked to your spirituality. You were also judged on whether you brought people to church with you and whether or not you �bore fruit� or converted anyone. So there was always something you didn�t do right. If you didn�t bring anyone to church, you weren�t sharing your faith enough. If you brought someone but they didn�t study the bible then it was because you didn�t love them enough or you didn�t challenge them or something. If they studied the bible but didn�t want to join, then it was because you didn�t get with them enough or spend enough time with them. There was a reason for everything. And if you loved god, it would show in your life and people would just naturally flock to you and want to join the church. So again, everything came back to that. And if you weren't bearing fruit then you were in sin and corrupted by the sin in your life and you needed to �get open�.
The idea of �being open� meant that you shared all aspects of your life with your discipleship partner. This meant that if you did anything sinful, you were supposed to tell them. And sin had a broad definition in this arena. Sin was sexual impurity, letting your eyes linger too long on the picture of a guy in his underwear, being jealous or envious of someone else, white lies, being prideful or stubborn, putting your own needs before someone elses, sleeping in too late, not being productive with your time. There were reasons to feel guilty about everything. It�s a wonder we survived.
We were also encouraged to challenge each other if we noticed sin in each other�s lives. So you not only had your discipleship partner telling you what was wrong, but your friends, roommates, even acquaintances. It was perfectly acceptable to walk up to someone in TheCult, even if you had only a passing familiarity with them, and point out some sin in their lives (lovingly of course). So there was no place you were free from this. It could happen any time or anywhere. I grew to hate the phrase �Can I talk to you for a minute?� because it was a pre-cursor to some area in my life that needed improvement. To this day, this phrase still puts fear in my heart. And it�s been 6 years since I left.
If you didn�t accept the challenge or you didn�t agree with the other person, you were being prideful and stubborn. The bible is full of commands about what god does to the prideful. So the only proper response to a challenge was to agree and change that aspect of yourself. Because if not, then god couldn�t bless your life and none of your dreams would come true and you would wither and fall off the branch.
But, there were good things as well. There were reasons I was attracted to this lifestyle, there were reasons I stayed for 5 years. There are positive things about me that I learned from being a part of this. Because of the openness and the challenges, the friendships were actually very intense. These people were like family. We cried together, we were there for each other. We could count on each other. If you needed someone, it didn�t matter what time it was, what day it was, what you needed, someone was there for you. If you needed to move, there were 20 people there to help you. If you were sick, someone brought you a card or a care package. I remember one night, I got a call that a friend of mine had died. I was, understandably, very upset and I was trying to reach one of my friends to talk. She wasn�t home and I kept leaving her messages. An hour later, her roommate called me. She said that she had gotten home and heard the messages, she could tell that I was upset in the message and wanted to make sure I was okay. It was a place where people cared. Genuinely. I had never had friendships like that before and I haven�t had them since. Once, I was going through a depression and was very upset. One of my roommates sat on my bed with me and sang to me. I cried through the whole thing but she stayed and sat with me and sang. Nothing could help my mood but she knew it made me feel better to hear her sing (she has one of the most heavenly voices). This is something that I still remember and treasure.
Also, because of the constant challenges, I did learn to grow a lot as a person. I learned how to be a person who is constantly striving to be better, to treat other�s better, to change those things that hold me back. It�s where I grew out of my shell and stopped being shy. It�s where I learned to have effective communication, to view a problem and accept responsibility, to confront an issue with respect and with an eye on what I have contributed to the issue. I grew a lot as a person during my 5 years with TheCult.
So this leaves two questions. Why did I get involved and why did I leave. Well, I think there were many reasons that I got involved. First, I was searching for a church where people were dedicated to living a true christian life. This church did that, although I feel that they took it to the extreme. Also, I was someone who needed friendship, and needed it at an intense level. I found that in TheCult. It all seemed logical at the time and seemed like the right thing to do. The way they interpreted the bible made sense to me. So, it was perhaps, something that happened because of where I was in life at the time, what I needed. TheCult did meet some of my needs.
The reasons behind my departure are bit more complex and involved several issues and disappointments. I had moved from the very active, close knit campus group, which met for church on it�s own, sort of like a mini-church within the larger church. TheCult was so large that it was broken down into smaller parts, called sectors for most meetings. I had been a part of a sector that was made up entirely of college students. But I graduated from college and entered the real world. So I moved in to a sector that was made up of married couples, families, single people, etc. This transition was difficult for me. We had smaller units within the sectors that we called �family groups�. My family group structure seemed to change a lot. I never seemed to settle in with a �discipleship partner� and found that I was moved around a lot. I began to feel that TheCult did not really have room for me. Also, in 1996, three things happened. First, I was fired from a job. I took this very hard as I had been singled out by my director and she found miniscule reasons to write me up. She wanted to get me fired. I viewed it as a failure as I had always been a success on the job before. 2 weeks after getting fired, one of my best friend�s died. 6 months after that, I was diagnosed with lupus.
I had a very hard time dealing with the death and it caused me to enter a depression that I would characterize as one of my worst. After 8 years, I began cutting again, I had episodes where I disconnected from reality. I almost felt like I wasn�t in my body anymore, but was somewhere else looking down on it. I remember one day, lying on the couch and looking out the window. I felt that the world was so big and due to osmosis was sucking the soul out of my body to fill it�s own need. The only way I could stop it was by putting a pillow over my face. I cried constantly. I withdrew from all my friends. When I went to the church leader for help, I was told that I had no self-control. I was told that if I developed some self-control, not only would I be able to stop cutting, but I would also lose weight. There was no compassion. When my depression and mourning continued after several months, most of my friends just told me to shake it off. So I lost the connection I had to the people in my life.
After 2 years of being shuffled from family group to family group, of dealing with depression and a lack of compassion, of withdrawing from friends, I no longer had any close connections with the church members. I would make friends at work and want to spend time with them, but every night was a church activity, a place I was supposed to be. I became increasingly frustrated. I wondered what I was doing. In 1998, I experienced what was, for me, the most severe lupus flare-up I�ve had to date. My hips and knees were in constant pain and swollen. Some days I could barely walk. I had increasing swelling and inflammation in my inner ears which was causing vertigo. I was fine if I didn�t move, but if I was moving my head or in a room where people were moving around me, I would get dizzy and have to lay down. I was extremely tired, having constant headaches, stomach problems, skin rashes, blisters in my mouth, every part of my body hurt. I had low grade fevers almost all the time. It was sort of like having the flu for 4 months. From January to March of 1998, I missed 23 days of work. That�s how sick I was. I began missing church services because I was too sick to go. I would be up all night in pain, taking vicodin so I could get a small fraction of sleep. And the dizziness prevented me from being in a crowd of people. Instead of having some compassion, friends who would stop by and see if they could do anything for me, I was questioned on my heart for god. I was told that if I loved god, I would get up and go to church. Instead of people calling to see if I was okay, I got phone calls to see where I was. One weekend I just decided I didn�t need to do this anymore. And that was it. I never looked back.
We were taught that to be a true follower of christ, to go to heaven and be saved, we had to be a member of this particular church, follow their ways of practicing, etc. So to leave TheCult meant you were going to hell. It was easier for me to say there was no god than to believe I had just doomed myself to hell. So I worked hard to convince myself that god did not exist. It was psychologically easier for me. And truth be told, I hadn�t seen much of god�s presence in my life for years. Where was god in the flesh of my christian brothers and sisters? Where was the compassion, the concern? It wasn�t there.
With my early religious upbringing, it has been very hard for me to live with the idea that god doesn�t exist. I don�t know to this day what I think. Some days, I believe, some days I don�t. A part of me likes the idea that there is someone else in charge, that there may be some purpose for any pain that I go through in life. Another part of me looks at my life and thinks, no way. God cannot possibly exist. As I mentioned before, the bible tells us that god is a father who wants good things for his children � Isaiah says �For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.� Some days that scripture gives me comfort. Some days it makes me mad. Where is my hope? Where is my future? Why do you create in me a desire for something you are never going to let me have? Sometimes, when I view god as a father figure, I feel like he is an emotionally abusive father, dangling much wanted candy in front of a child only to take it away and hide it in the cupboard. He teases me with my dreams, almost letting me have them, but not entirely. If god does exist, why did he create me to want a family and children so much when he was never planning on letting me have them?
So, that�s it, that�s my story. I�m sticking to it because I have to. If I could, I probably would change it. it�s too late now. I�m where I am and there�s nothing I can do about the path that brought me here. Sometimes I get scared when I think about the afterlife. I still have concerns about what is going to happen to my sinful soul when I die. Other times, I think, well if god exists he wouldn�t do that to his children. But I don�t know, because I know what the bible has to say about it. I can�t choose to believe one part of the bible and not another. To me, it�s a whole, can�t be separated. But I can�t believe all of it, so I�m stuck trying to convince myself I don�t believe any of it. But when I hurt, when I want something in my life, when I�m scared, I really do want to believe that god exists and he�s going to make it all better. He hasn�t so far, but I keep hoping my dreams will come true some day.
