So here�s my current dilemma. Part of what SpaceCowboy (The Boyfriend Formerly Known as Brian/Fido) has to do is turn his emotions off. While he�s out there, emotions are deadly. They could cost him his life. And if he goes down, the likelihood is that he�ll take others down with him. So at times, he has to forget about the life he has back home. And the longer he�s gone, the more he forgets. So he forgets why he loves me.
When he is with me, I have no doubts about his love for me. You can just see it in his every movement, his every word. And it�s an amazing love. It fills the room. I want nothing when I�m with him. And I�ve offered that to him in return.
But the longer he is gone, the more the love dims. And that�s what leads to conversations like the one we had a week ago. That�s what brings him to the point where he�ll say things that hurt me. That scare me. That make me wonder why I�m doing this. That make me question myself.
So then, I feel, like the balance of power is off. Because it feels, right now, like I care more for him than he cares for me, he has all the power. Because I feel like he could walk away and not even feel the loss. But I.-- I would be devastated. And I hate this feeling. It scares me. And it makes me want to pull my heart back and stop loving him. Because I know the pain I would feel to lose him. And I don�t want to feel that pain. There�s a part of me that is so scared inside, so afraid to keep loving him, so afraid of getting hurt. Again. And so I want to protect myself. But it�s not his fault that other men hurt me. It�s not even his fault that we can�t have a normal relationship. And in truth, I�d rather he came home alive than felt overwhelmed with love for me right now and didn�t end up making it home. But I�m scared. I live in fear and I struggle to face the future and what it might bring. And I decide to keep loving him. With all that I have. In every way I can. Even though I know that I�m walking over a canyon on a very thin tight rope. And there�s no net beneath me. The fall will be exhilarating, for a brief moment. And then I�ll hit the bottom.
