My suffering has always manifested itself in physical ways� I have always had a strong need to act out the anger and pain within. I think that�s why cutting just came so naturally to me. It is the epitome of it all. When I was very young, I had a doll, named Cheryl. She was a very small doll, about 6 inches long, with a cloth body and plastic/rubber arms and legs. When I was upset as a child I used to bite on her head. It�s amazing she survived my childhood. I don�t know why, but it seemed to bring me comfort. From there, I expanded to banging my head against the wall and/or floor. I didn�t cut for the first time until my sophomore year of college. But when I did, boy I really did it up. 50 times in just a couple of hours. Each cut an attempt to get deeper and deeper. To see blood gush. But I never really had the courage (?) to cut that deep, because the self-preservation instinct would eventually kick in and restrain my arm from jabbing the knife too deeply. Even eating is a physical act I would use to numb the pain. I think that now, because I can�t really turn to food like I used to, that�s why I am so tempted to cut myself again. I haven�t really dealt with these strong urges since 1996. That was the last time I cut myself, and actually the last time I was so tempted. Last night, I was in bed and awake until 3. I just couldn�t shut out the call of the knives. They were so loud and insistent. Come to us, Janet, you will feel better when you are bleeding and cut up. Really, you will. You can cut your thighs, your upper arms, your belly. No one will see it, no one has to know. Janet, we�re here for you, we care, we love you, we will always be here for you. We will never fuck with your mind like those evil boys. We care, we really do. And we are always going to be here waiting for you.
Cutting is a phenomenon that is very hard to explain. Part of it stems from the intangible pain that fills our souls. Because it can�t be cured or helped with an aspirin or tylenol or hell, a vicodin, it is haunting and taunting and cruel. Emotional pain, what do you do for it? You can�t make it go away. So if you cut yourself, you will have some physical pain. And that makes sense. Oh, hey I�m hurting. I wonder why. Well, it must be this big bleeding gash on my arm that is hurting me so. And then you clean up the wound (or 2 or 50), take some aspirin or tylenol or vicodin and for some reason, you just feel a little better. The world makes a little more sense. Part of it is the need for release. Cutting yourself, you feel this physical release of all the tension you are holding inside. And the blood. Oh the blood. It pours out of you and it just makes sense. It just seems right, and it seems to take with it all that is hurting you. It�s cleansing.
So, I wanted to, but I did not heed the call of the knives. They were loud and insistent and persistent and they taunted me for hours. But I refused to even hold them or look at them or even be in the same room with them.
So when the knives finally gave up, then the pills, woken by the ruckus of the knives, started in with their beckoning chant. Janet, your life is all fucked up anyway, it�s not going anywhere, you�re never going to get what you want out of life, no one will ever love you. Wouldn�t you just like to go to sleep for a long time? It would solve all of your problems. You won�t have to worry about the job, or the boyfriend or the children you�ll never have. You will feel so peaceful. Really Janet, we�re here for you, we just want to help.
And I started thinking, really, they are right. Death would solve so many of my problems right now. But there are a few loose ends I need to tie up first. Okay, so if I take a month and take care of X, Y and Z and then handle A, B and C, then I can kill myself. Knowing of course, that in a month, most of this pain (Lord, please) will be gone or at least diminished. So, maybe these loose ends are just my survival instinct kicking in. I don�t know. Whatever works I suppose.
When I was in high school, I committed a crime. I hit a car in a parking lot and fled the scene. I was so scared and afraid of getting in trouble and I just wanted to pretend like it never happened. Several months later, we got a letter from the California Highway Patrol stating that someone had witnessed my car in a hit and run accident. Of course, I freaked out and made up the best lie that I could� Really Mom and Dad, I don�t remember hitting anyone but I�ve been in that parking lot and there is that damage on the side of my car so I suppose it could have been me. I guess I sounded believable. But inside, I was terrified. I thought jail might be in my future. And I thought, I should die. That would solve all my problems. It didn�t help that I was going through one of several depressions that would define my adolescent years. The one reason I didn�t go out that night and drive off a cliff is that a friend of mine was spending the night that night. And I had to be there. Her mom was going out of town and she had no where to go. I told myself I could kill myself the next day. But by the next day, I felt better. So thus I survived my adolescent years. I ended up telling the same lies to the CHP and since they only had my license plate number on a piece of paper and no actual witness, they couldn�t really prove it was me. We agreed to compensate the other vehicle owner and that was that. It never even went on my record. Wow, all that drama for nothing.
Okay, speaking of drama, let�s get on to what brought about all this drama in my life last night. So Brian and I were talking on line, and we got on the subject of our relationship. Now let me give a little bit of background here. By the time Brian and I had gone on our first date, we had already met each other several times and had many a pleasant get-to-know-you conversation, so it wasn�t really like two strangers out on a first date. Somewhere during our first date, I had shown him this stained glass candle holder I had recently made in a class I took. I had mentioned how someday, I hoped to be able to have a place to live with a garage where I could set up a work shop. Brian�s response to this was �We�ll have to get that set up for you in the garage.� Because we already knew each other to some degree, I thought, wow, here�s a guy who really knows what he wants (ME) and isn�t afraid to let it be known. He�s not afraid to put it out there and say he wants something with me. So that�s what that remark said to me. It indicated he was looking towards a future with me. So, flash forward a year and a few months to our second date. On that date, he asks me �So how much competition do I have�, which indicates that he�s wants to make sure he has a shot. Then later in the date, he asks me �What do you want from me?� I ask him to clarify. He says �What do you want? A date, a boyfriend, a husband?� which indicated to me, I am prepared to offer you whichever you want. Well, this combined with other things he had said that day. And then on our third or fourth date, we were talking about his house. And he asks me �What color are you going to paint the rooms?� Which says, I expect to have you in my life in a more serious way and have you assist in these big decisions. And then, sometime Mid-July, after dating for about a month, he ends a call by saying �I love you.� Now honestly, I was a little shocked and unprepared for this, as it felt a little early. But it was refreshing to be with a man who was capable of expressing himself and not afraid of putting things out there. Brian is very aggressive about going after what he wants, not in a bad way, in a good way, and he�s also very direct. He says what he�s thinking. So, I didn�t say it back to him, because I didn�t feel it at the time. I wasn�t going to say it until I was ready. And I meant it. But Brian continued to say it to me. Which I thought was incredible. That he could keep putting it out there even though he wasn�t getting it back, amazing. I just figured that Brian knew he had met someone amazing (uh, that�d be me) and was grateful to have me in his life.
I actually tried not to fall in love with Brian. I knew it would be hard to love him when he was gone so much of the time, when I would have to spend so much time alone. But by Late August, it was all over for me. He always treated me so well, like a princess. He didn�t just say he cared, but I could see it in the way he treated me. And I fell in love. And I fell hard. If love had a scale of 1 to 10, with one being barely love, and 10 being as much as you could love someone, I believed we had love for each other at a 10.. or at least a 9.
As I have mentioned in previous entries, my love life has traveled a rough road. I felt so lucky to have Brian because he treated me so well. He accepted my flaws and seemed to love me despite them. I never had any fear that he would suddenly disappear on me and stop calling. I knew that if he ever wanted to change the status of our relationship, he would talk to me about it, instead of just disappearing.
But being the girl back home, the girlfriend of a soldier, is never easy. And you spend many moments upset missing the person that you love. Every moment we got to spend talking to each other on line was so precious. I haven�t even seen him for 3 months and we talk on line as often as we can. Most of our relationship has developed through our talks since we haven�t really had much time together in person.
So last night, we were talking on line. And I expressed some of my bitterness at not being able to be with him. He was patronizing and condescending and basically told me I was whining and that what I�m going through is nothing compared to an average day for him. Okay, granted, he has it pretty bad. They all do. I�m not trying to diminish that. But it doesn�t make my feelings any less valid or real for me. So from there, he goes on to tell me that our relationship is really just a sexual thing because we haven�t really had much time to spend together and that it�s not because he doesn�t want to spend more time with me, but because he can�t. And that if he was home and could spend quality time with me, it would be different. Well, the truth is that we have only had sex on 4 occasions and most of our interaction with each other is conversation. So to say that our relationship was mostly just sexual was like a slap in the face. And when I asked him why he said he loved me and if it was just words, he said that I �squeezed it out of him�. That he�s sorry for misleading me and he�s hoping that my imagination isn�t taking things too far. WTF!!!!! So let me get this straight. He said I love you first and I didn�t say it back for a month and that�s me squeezing it out of him? I forced him to say I love you? And my imagination is taking things too far? I�m sorry, was I the one asking you what color you want to paint MY rooms? Or set up a workshop for you in MY garage? NO, I didn�t do any of these things. Then he says, hey, don�t take it like I�m dumping you, because I�m not. Oh, gee thanks. And then proceeds to change the subject, which I didn�t allow. He then proceeds to blame it all on the fact that he�s screwed up in the head from being gone so long. I tell him back my perceptions based on what he�s said that night.. That I guess when he said I love you, he really meant I care, but not that he �lovedlove� me. And that I had fallen in love with him based on a perception that he cared for me much more than he did. He said no it�s not that simple. And before he could explain, he got called away to move camp and poof, he was gone. Though he did say he wanted to finish the conversation. Oh, thank you so much.
It was the first time since I had professed my love, that I ended a conversation with him without saying I love you. I always make sure I say it at the end of the conversation because I think, man if he dies, I want those to be the last words I said to him. But yesterday, I was so mad and so hurt and I just pulled all my love back.
I thought, based on things he had said, and the way he treated me, that he loved me at a level 10. And when I fell in love with him, I didn�t restrain myself and gave my whole heart to him and loved him at a level 10 back. And now I find out that it was all a lie, or that I perceived him wrong. I�m not saying he doesn�t love me, but he loves me in a very different way that what I thought. And this changes everything. Because as long as I thought we both felt the same way about each other and we were working towards a future together, I could get through the hardships of being apart right now. But if this sacrifice is meaningless to him, if it doesn�t matter, then what the hell am I putting myself through this for? (God, I do love those dangling participles � not at a level 10 though, more like a 4 or a 5)
So I don't know... there's a possibility that he was just trapped in the shittiest day known to man and honestly, I try to cut him some slack because I know the world he lives in is so fucked up... but come on. I just get so pissed off when I think how he's hurt me, intentional or not. Like he has no idea how much what he says has hurt me. And I do know that he didn't do it intentionally and so many guys from my past wouldn't have even hung around long enough to have that kind of conversation. And I know that in ANY relationship, there are bumps and potholes along the way. I know this. But it's just harder when you are having a long distance relationship and this kind of shit comes up.
So who knows how it's all going to turn out. My friend Alice says that he might already be thinking that he's majorly fucked up and responding to his own bad day and taking it out on me. And my friend Char thinks that he was probably just in a really bad place emotionally, tired of being away so long and just took it out on me. Or the whole thing might have just opened up a can of worms that was so needed to be opened. I mean, I'm glad we had the conversation because if he doesn't feel the same way about me then I'd rather know and build other relationships. It just hurts because I really thought I found a guy who was going to treat me well and who saw me for the amazing person that I believe that I am. And now, I think, damn it took me 35 years to find 1 good guy. I'm never going to have the things in life I long for. So the devastation hits me on more than one level. Just after Christmas, I felt so incredible.. I thought wow, 2003 was such a good year, I lost tons of weight and changed my life. I finally met the man I am going to spend my life with, the man who loves me so completely. I had such high hopes for that one job and I was so excited about the career move. And now, slowly, it's all falling apart. No word on the job, Brian doesn't really love me. I expect to wake up tomorrow weighing 366 pounds again.
