It�s 12:30 AM and I should be asleep but I can�t, so here I am. Just have to get this crap out and then maybe I could fall asleep. Because my world just got flipped and I don�t know how to deal with it exactly.
I just had a (not long enough) conversation with Brian and, though we didn�t get to finish the conversation because he had to run, I am fairly certain that it would have ended with us breaking up. And I�m also certain that, in a few days, when we do get to finish the conversation, that is what is going to happen. I don�t know that I�m up to explaining all of it, but I guess it wouldn�t be the sort of break up where we ended things and never dated again, more like taking a few steps back. Basically, nothing would really change for him, as he doesn�t even really get to date me, so he certainly isn�t able to date other people. But for me, it would mean I was free to date other people. And if/when he�s home, we�d try to see each other.
But it is, of course, more complicated than that, and what I�ve discovered tonight is a heap of shit that makes me ache. I don�t want to give the impression that he�s a horrible person and that he�s done these nasty things to put him in a league with the jerks in my past. But, unintentionally, he has hurt me and I am reeling from the aftershocks. I know he didn�t mean to, and the fact that I am hurting hurts him, but what can you do.
I was stupid for believing that anyone really could love me the way I offer my own love to them. And I am stupid for ever trying to believe that the world really does have good things in store for me, because it is painfully obvious that it doesn�t. If there is a god (and again, I waffle on this point, though I think in my core I believe in god it�s just that when I�m hurting it�s hard to believe) then I think he hates me. It�s pointless for me to want or expect anything good in this life because it�s clear to me that the sole reason for my existence is so that other people can look upon me and be grateful that they are NOT me. If there is any mercy in this world, my life will be short. And don�t worry, I have no intention of causing myself any physical harm. But that won�t stop me from wishing a for a semi to crash into my car and quickly and suddenly end this shitty life.
On the brighter side�who the hell am I kidding, there is no brighter side.
