The first time I ever had a guy friend, I was in kindergarten (a friend that's a guy, not a boyfriend). His name was Johnny and he lived on the next block. I remember going to his house to play. I don't remember what we "played", but I remember he had a two story house and his room was upstairs in the front of the house. I was always excited by two story houses, as ours was just one story. Now that I've lived in a two story house, I'm so over it. I much prefer one story. I also remember that Johnny got in trouble once in kindergarten because he pee'd on the toilet seat and made a mess. I felt bad for him. I think I met him playing in the neighborhood, because I don't remember hanging out with him much once school started, so I don't think I actually met him in school. Once I was in school, it was pretty much the separation of the boys and the girls. I didn't have another guy friend until I was in college.
The line between friend and romantic interest was always very blurry for me. I could never get a good handle on it. There are a few reasons for it, I think. First, was the early sexual contact I had with men (molestation, attempted rape, etc). Second, was the fact that during the time when the sexes start mixing, I had been played two bad hands. I was overweight with very poor self-esteem, and I went to an all girls school. I just wasn't comfortable around "men" (I use apostrophes because some of these stories are about adult males, and some about children/teens, etc) and I wasn't around them on a daily basis to get over it. The only "men" in my life were family members. Or teachers.
So for whatever reason, in my mind, you were either a family member/role model type man or you were a sex object. I didn't know how to have a guy as just a friend. And, since I was (in my mind) so hideous looking, there is no way you (the guy) would be attracted to me, so there was no point pursuing a relationship with you. Does this make any sense?
So, the next time I had a male friend, it was in college. Jeff and I had several classes together. I thought he was really cool and artsy and all that kind of stuff. I was walking through campus late one Friday night and saw him sitting with some other people. He was on "X" so he was emoting like crazy. He came running up to me and gave me a big hug and told me how he thought I was so cool and he was so glad to have my in his classes. This was the beginning of our friendship. Honestly, if Jeff wasn't gay, I don't think we could have been friends. So now, I had a new definition for men in my life--family, sexual relationships, and gay friends. Because he was gay, there was no sexual tension and no need for me to fear rejection. I could let go of my belief that I was too ugly for any man to like me, because there was no chance of that happening with Jeff and I didn't have to take it personally. One year, Jeff spent a year studying in Germany. He used to write me the funniest letters. I still have one some where. He cut pictures out of magazines and made jokes. I loved him so much, he always made me laugh. I lost touch with him after college. I really wish I could find him again. I miss that gayboy.
After moving back to sunny, southern California, I met another guy friend in college--Aaron. We used to spend so much time together, we were like "Peas and Carrots" in the words of Forrest Gump. Once, when I was living with my parents, they took a 3 week trip to Europe. He stayed with me the whole time. But of course, I had to develop feelings for him. And I even got up the courage to tell him about them. But he didn't reciprocate, so that was that--just an awkward moment to get through, which we did. A few months later, I challenged him on some of his flaky behavior. We ended up fighting and our friendship dissolved. Again, I wonder what happened to him.
So that was 1991. And from that point until 1999, I didn't have any male friends. With one exception--I would consider my brother-in-law my friend. He falls into a gray area, since technically, he's family. But to me, he is also a friend. And there's no room for any sexual tension, since he's married to my sister. Okay, so back to 1999 and enter Chuck. Chuck is one of my best friends and he ALWAYS tells me what he sees in my life. He shoots straight. We are great friends with no sexual tension, though we joke because we have slept together! Oh-but not in the way you are thinking. You people have such dirty minds!
I went on this week long outdoor-adventure, personal growth type thing up in the hills of Northern California. There was this guy there, Chuck, and we'd had several interesting conversations. He ended up breaking his leg walking around them thar hills. After returning home, he needed surgery. Another friend of mine was staying with him and I told her that if he needed anything to let me know. Well, the day of his surgery, this friend was not going to be home so she called me and asked me if I could stay with him that night. He wasn't supposed to be alone as he could barely walk and needed someone to make sure that the anesthesia didn't do crazy things to him. Of course, I said yes. Well, Chuck is really an interesting guy. He used to be a dance instructor (totally hetero, though that bit of knowledge might make it look otherwise) and so he doesn't really have a living room. His living room is covered with a dance floor. So, no living room, no couch. The only place he had to sleep, or even sit, was his bed. So, we shared the bed. I slept with him. Of course, he was waking up in pain every hour or so, so perhaps slept is not the right word. His pain medication wasn't working, so when he'd wake up in pain, I'd be there to talk him through it. Also, being on drugs, he had some weird thoughts about the world. We had some interesting conversations that night. We've been great friends ever since. He's a web designer and if you want to see one of the funniest sites, take a trip to the Internet Trailer Park
Now, I have the newest of my male friends, DB. As I have written before, I met him at work, he's my neighbor in the cubicle jungle, my fellow prairie dog. We're always popping our heads up over the cubicle wall to talk about this or that. He makes going to work worthwhile. And he makes me laugh. And if I say something to him, he just gets it. I don't have to explain. This is a great thing.
So, the fact that I can have these two male friends--male friends that are both hetero--shows that I am, in fact, growing. I am maturing and getting over all my issues. (Well, I wouldn't say I have GOTTEN over them, but still in the journey of GETTING over them) And for this, I am truly thankful. There is something about having a guy for a friend that you just can't get from a girl. I mean, everyone needs their girlfriends, but it's nice to have that other perspective. And guys are just a lot more direct.
On a totally different note, can you imagine living in a world where someone is your boyfriend one minute and talking about taking a trip for the coming weekend, then the next minute they are hanging up on you and not answering your e-mails? It's no wonder I am so paranoid. (And just for the record, I'm not talking about Brian, but years of this type of behavior make me so suspicious of everything) Reality is skewed and I have no idea what to expect from people. I am so used to being treated with no respect and like I don't matter that I have just come to expect it. I'm just waiting now, for what feels like it's the inevitable to happen. I believe Brian is better than this, in my head. But my heart is afraid. I don't pretend to think I'm the only girl (or guy even, girls can be insensive and psycho and bitchy too) who has gone through stuff like this and, consequently, has to respond to the world with fear. But, it's my diary, so you'll only hear about my story. The other day, I got so paranoid because as soon as Brian logged on and I said Hi, he logged off. So of course, I immediately assumed he didn't want to talk to me. I switched screen names and he was showing up on that name. I started out with "what the hell". He was like, "Geez lady, don't you think I might not have the best connection here in a third world country? Could you please stop switching screen names so I can e-mail you and explain that I got booted." Oh yeah, I guess that could be it. Well, we all get one psycho moment per year and I had to go and use mine up right away. It's just crazy that I have to think like that to someone who has never give me any reason to doubt him.
In completely other news, I just bought a size 16 suit and decided to try it on, just to see. Well, I am amazed and happy to report that I could get the pants on and even zip and button them. I believe they are a little too tight to wear right now, but it's probably only a matter of about 10 pounds before they look good. Wow, size 16. I don't know if I have ever worn that size. The smallest size I actually remember wearing is size 18 and that was in junior high. Again, I say, WOW!
Okay, now for some mundane info about my favorite music because I've been listening to stolen MP3's all day [well, they aren't all stolen, some of them are "ripped" off of CD's or even (egads!) purchased online] and it has inspired me to write out the following:
Music to cry to:
-When You Come Back Down by Nickel Creek
-The Dance by Garth Brooks
-First Cut is The Deepest by Sheryl Crow
-Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk
-The Journey by Lea Salonga
-Fire and Rain by James Taylor
-Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
-I Want You by Elvis Costello
Favorite Love songs:
-Stellar by Incubus
-You Move Me by Garth Brooks
-Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk
-Your Body Is A Wonderland by John Mayer
-Wrapped Up In You by Garth Brooks
-To Get Me To You by Lila McCann
-Somebody Like You by Keith Urban
-More Than This by Roxy Music
-I'll Wear It Proudly by Elvis Costello
-The One by Gary Allen
-Follow You, Follow Me by Genesis
-I Want To Fall In Love by Good Charlotte
-Drops of Jupiter by Train
-First Taste by Fiona Apple
Favorite songs to motivate me:
-I Hope You Dance by Leanne Womack
-The River by Garth Brooks
-Strength, Courage and Wisdom by India Arie
-Shake My Soul by Beth Neilson Chapman
-Don��t Stop Dancing by Creed
Songs that keep me going on a hard day:
-Drive by Incubus
-Stand Here With Me by Creed
-The Journey by Lea Salonga
-Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
-Up by Shania Twain
-Powerless by Nelly Furtado
Songs that Help me be Grateful:
-Blessed by Martina McBride
-These Are The Moments by Sara Evans
-These Are The Days by 10,000 Maniacs
Favorite Lyrics:
"I am bottled fizzy water and you are shaking me up" Incubus, Just A Phase
"Meet me in outerspace. I will hold you close if you��re afraid of heights. I need you to see this place, it might be the only way that I can show you how it feels to be inside of you" Incubus, Stellar
"Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, with open arms and open eyes. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there." Incubus, Drive
"If you let them make you, they'll make you paper mache. At a distance you're strong, until the wind comes then you crumble and blow away" Incubus, Make Yourself
"There's something about the look in your eyes. Something I noticed when the light was just right. It reminded me twice that I was alive. And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight." Incubus, Echo
"Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet? Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day and head back to the Milky Way? And tell me, did Venus blow your mind? Was it everything you wanted to find? And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there." Train, Drops of Jupiter
"You know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows. And the dreamer's just a vessel that must follow where it goes. Trying to learn from what's behind you and never knowing what's in store, make each day a constant battle just to stay between the shores" Garth Brooks, The River
"I have been to sorrow. I have been to bliss. Where I'll be tomorrow, I can only guess. Through the darkest desert, through the deepest snow, forward, always forward, I go. What a journey it has been, when the end is not in sight. But the stars are out tonight and they're bound to guide my way. I can see your better day. I won't let the darkness in." Lea Salonga, The Journey
"You were the spice of life, the gin in my vermouth and though the sparks would fly I thought our love was fireproof. Sometimes we'd fight in public, darling, with very little cause, but different kinds of sparks would fly when we got on our own behind closed doors. Indoor fireworks can still burn your fingers." Elvis Costello, Indoor Fireworks
"I wish that I could push a button and talk in the past and not the present tense, and watch this lovin' feeling disappear like it was common sense. It was a fine idea at the time. Now I'm a brilliant mistake." Elvis Costello, Brilliant Mistake
"She said that she was working for the ABC news, it was as much of the alphabet as she knew how to use" Elvis Costello, Brilliant Mistake
"When we first met i didn't know what to do. My old love lines were all worn out on you and the world walked 'round my mouth. I didn't mean to say it. I just blurted it out as you pretended not to notice or be taken aback. And I loved you there and then. It's as simple as that." Elvis Costello, Jack Of All Parades
"You're the twinkle in your daddy's eye, a name you spray and scribble, you made the girls all turn their heads, and in turn they made you miserable. To be the heir apparent, to the kingdom of the invisible." Elvis Costello, Little Palaces
"I do not struggle in your web because it was my aim to get caught. But daddy longlegs, I feel that I'm finally growing weary of waiting to be consumed by you. Give me the first taste, let it begin heaven cannot wait forever. Darling, just start the chase - I'll let you win but you must make the endeavor. Oh, your love gives me a heart contusion." Fiona Apple, First Taste
"It won't be long until you'll be lying limp in your own hands." Fiona Apple, Limp
"Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills. Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up. I got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky to hold. Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love" Fiona Apple, Paper Bag
Oh, and finally, I just have to say that my cat is so cute when she's sleeping. She curls her little paws up in the air and curls up her head. Here's her picture:
Go buy (beg, borrow, steal, whatever) some good music. Music soothes the soul.
