Thankfully, my visit to the trailer park was brief and things seemed to have returned to normal now. Both of my roommates are facing felony domestic violence charges and the disposition of the case has yet to be determined. (Sorry for the big words folks, I�m at work and stuck in technical writing mode). I�d be worried. They are, perhaps, a bit too nonchalant but that is not my problem. Their lives, their problem.
When I was a child, for some reason, I had a big fear of being convicted of a crime I did not commit. I would seriously lie in bed at night and worry about this. As a child! Like 8 years old. I was way too intense for my own good. I would think that someday, all the evidence would point to me committing some type of crime. Only I would know I was innocent and I would go to jail. This whole situation brought back all of those fears again. I think because other than being drunk, K didn�t really do anything. She never hit J or anything. But the cops saw a scrape on his arm and even though he said it wasn�t from her, they had to arrest her. So she spent the night in jail and has a felony charge against her even though she didn�t do anything. Same for J really. I mean, all he was trying to do was keep his wife from jumping out of a moving vehicle. And because she was drunk, things got distorted in her mind. And he spent a night in jail and has a felony charge. I worry about that. I mean, anyone can say you hit them. And then you go to jail. Saturday night, as events unfolded, that�s the thought that kept me up. I mean, either of them could have said I hit them too and then we all three would have been taken in. The fact is, it�s not likely to happen, but it still scares me. Brian is right, I do worry too much. He�s always telling me that, and it�s true. I worry about stupid shit like this, stuff that�s not likely to happen.
So yesterday was a landmark day. I wore my first pair of Old Navy pants. When Old Navy burst on the scene in California, I was already too big for their clothes. I�ve always liked their stuff and wanted to wear it, but never could. So this is really exciting for me. For the past 10 years, the only places I�ve really shopped is Lane Bryant and The Avenue. And for the last 2 of those 10 years, I couldn�t even really fit into stuff at Lane Bryant, except for a rare shirt that was cut big or their underwear and bras. I never really paid attention to the �in� brands and styles because I wouldn�t fit in them anyway. Now, I am much more aware. And I have a list! Things I want when I get to my goal (whatever that is). When my weight stabilizes, I want to get a pair of custom levi�s. And Lucky Jeans� Those will be my two big fashion treats.
Other big news, I wore a size 14/16 shirt yesterday. And I am fitting in most 18 bottoms now. I�ve been changing sizes pretty consistently, it�s about every 6 to 8 weeks. Can almost set the clock by it.
I�m not really eating very well. I mean, it�s not that I�m eating massive amounts of crap. The problem is that I�m just not really eating. And that�s not good. And I have been derelict at getting in all of my fluids. I woke up thirsty in the middle of the night last night. Had to get some water before I could go back to sleep. Bad Janet. I know better.
I believe and perceive myself as always being chubby. I always saw myself as fat. And since my mom was a Weight Watchers counselor, the belief was that you didn�t want to be fat and should do something to either prevent it or correct it. Our family was almost always on a diet of one kind or another. Since my sister was stick thin, I believe I felt responsible for all the dieting. I grew up believing that there was something wrong with me and that I would not be acceptable until that changed. So it�s no wonder that my inferiority complex began at such a young age. And then every event that supported my view was retained and believed and the events that didn�t were thrown out. So most of my childhood memories just reinforced the idea that I was not good enough for the world. And the fact I also had symptoms of bi-polar as a child just encouraged this whole perception.
It�s really hard for me to distinguish which things resulted from my bi-polar and which resulted from being an overweight child. I think they just combined to create a vicious cycle of self-loathing. I was really paranoid as a child. One time, a few children were playing and singing the song �You�re momma don�t dance and you�re daddy don�t rock and roll�. I actually started crying because I thought they were teasing me by saying that about my parents. They were singing a song! I was way too sensitive. Now, the paranoia probably originated from the bi-polar, and then the self-loathing originated from the poor self-esteem. The combination of the two was just too overpowering.
I was a very smart child. According to my mom, I taught myself to read at 4. I was reading before kindergarten. In first grade, I actually requested to have a meeting between my teacher and my parents because I was bored. I wanted to be challenged. So I began doing 2nd and 3rd grade work while I was in 1st grade. But in my mind, it wasn�t good enough to be smart. In this world you had to be beautiful or pretty. And I could never be pretty because I was fat. I believed that my sister was the pretty one and I was the smart one. And my tendency towards shyness grew.
So now I feel like I�m rambling and when I started out I think I had a point to make. I don�t think I�ve made it. Oh well. But I know, that for me, my self-esteem is very closely tied to my weight. As I get smaller, my value in the world increases. It shouldn�t be this way.
