Success. What does it mean to me. This sounds like the topic for a high school essay. But it is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. When I was younger, for whatever reason, my idea of success became tightly wrapped around the whole idea of family. It was never about money or fame or any of those things. Success to me is having a family, a husband and children. And so because I don�t have these things, in my mind, I feel like a failure. Nothing else that I do ever feels like enough. All my other accomplishments dim in the face of my inability to achieve what I really want in life. No matter what I do, I still feel like a failure and not quite an �adult�. I compare myself to others who have what I seek, and I feel inadequate next to them. I have felt this way for so long. So I really need to change my idea of success. I have so many reasons to consider myself a success, so many accomplishments and it�s stupid to feel like a failure just because I don�t meet this one criteria. I don�t know why I have this view of things, where did this come from? I�d like to blame the media but they aren�t entirely responsible. I think it comes from just being me� even when I was a little girl, my dream was always to have a family. I have other dreams, things that I am working on, and yet, no matter what I accomplish, it just falls flat because I don�t have the things I really want. I have no idea how to change this image in my head and start viewing myself as a success. But I know I need to. It�s stupid to go through life feeling like a failure when I have accomplished so much.
Here�s one thing I think about: I used to be so shy. In social situations, I would get so scared. I once went to a bar with some friends to hang out and I totally had a panic attack. I hated crowds and large groups of people. I didn�t want anyone to notice me. Now, my job is to speak, I am a trainer and speak in front of classes and groups all the time. I speak in meetings in front of all the directors and managers of the company. I joined Toastmasters and completed my Competent Toastmaster and my Competent Leader Award. I go to bars, out to restaurants, out in public, and I�m always the one smiling at people and making eye contact. People don�t scare me any more. My friends describe me as outgoing. I make friends wherever I go. No one believes me when I tell them how shy I used to be. It�s an amazing accomplishment. How many people can change from one extreme to the other with only sheer determination? And I think about being bi-polar and how well I manage this disease for the most part. I think about all the people who have to go on disability because they can�t manage the disease. And even on some of my worst days, I can put it away for a while, get up, go to work and just turn off that part of me for 8 hours. Even my close friends are surprised when I talk about being bi-polar, they say they just don�t see me that way.
So, I think I just have to remind myself of all I�ve accomplished, I think I just have to toot my own horn. And I also have to keep making my dreams happen, like the novel I am writing and getting my children�s book published. I remember in high school, when I thought about careers, I wanted to be a writer. And sure, technical writing is a huge part of my life, but that�s not really what I had in mind. I think if I could accomplish that goal, then I would feel better about where I am.
