Lesson learned yesterday: 1 cup of soup and 3 sips of water are not enough to sustain me for a workout. I had to leave work early to go to the doctor for a glaucoma screening. I finished up at 2:30 and was back and forth about whether I was going to go home or go to the gym. I had actually decided to go home because I was cranky and just wanted to do nothing. But as I was pulling off the freeway, I decided it would be better to go to the gym. I realized that I was just going to go home and be bored so I should go to the gym and accomplish something. Well, I had just about the crappiest workout ever, but at least I got something in. I rode the bike for 10 minutes. My energy level was so low and I could barely push the pedals. My head felt kind of spacey and light headed, so I decided that 10 minutes was enough. I was then going to go do some leg work. I started on one and again, just didn�t feel good. So I did two leg machines and then called it quits. I drove home feeling guilty that I didn�t do a �better� workout. Then I had a little talk with myself and realized that I didn�t equip myself for the workout with the nutrition that I needed and that it was good to quit when I wasn�t feeling well. I think I need to be better about listening to my body and responding to it�s needs. I know I haven�t been eating well, I don�t even think I�m getting in 2 full meals a day. I think I need to be more diligent about protein shakes, if I get just one of them in a day I�ll be that much better off.
Okay, so I just finished ordering a bunch of protein samples from www.vitalady.com. I can�t wait for them to arrive so I can start trying them out. I�m at a point in my life right now where I just don�t want to eat most of the time. I�m skipping breakfast and usually not eating dinner either. It�s just because I feel stressed and when I get like this I don�t want to eat. Or I do want to eat but only things that are not good for me. It�s better when I have protein shakes around, because I�ll drink one of those in the morning and I can drink one at night too� that way I�ll still be getting protein in even when I am skipping meals.
So this is what I was thinking about this morning. I was remembering this time last year and how I felt and what my life was like. I had my consult with the surgeon on November 7th, 1 year and 5 days ago. At the time I weighed 366 pounds. I knew that I was making the right choice. I had spent a lot of time thinking about it, researching it, deciding. I remember how miserable I was, how unhappy I was in my body. Everything hurt. The thought of walking 50 feet was overwhelming. I woke up all night long with pain in my hips and knees, shoulders. Even my ankles, wrists and elbows hurt. After standing for 5 minutes, my feet would be killing me. I almost never wore anything but tennis shoes because my feet would hurt so bad. I hated my whole wardrobe and getting dressed was such a chore. I had lots of clothes in my closet that no longer fit me and only a few things that did. I felt huge and so self-conscious. The future seemed so far away. I knew that if I could just get through the next year, my life would be so different. And I was right. At the time, everything took so long�waiting to get the appointment, waiting for the authorization, waiting for the surgery date. Even the first few months went by so slowly. I wanted instant results. Now I look back and it all seems like such a blur. It really did go by so quickly. I think back to how crazy it all was, how many things I was trying to keep track of�the appointments, the requirements, etc� and now, it�s all just a distant memory. Life is so different now. I don�t worry about where I park, if I have to walk, it�s no big deal. I love my wardrobe, my closet is full of tons of clothes that I love to wear. I�m not in pain any more. I am happier, more confident. Even though I go through things still (life is always unpredictable), I also have a joy that cannot be contained. People say I glow. Last night, I gave myself a pedicure and it was so easy. I go to the gym and ride the bike and my big stomach doesn�t get in the way. All this in a year. I wouldn�t have believed it.
Another thing I�ve really been thinking about today is the whole issue of control. I have so many areas of my life where I don�t have any control. I have no control over what happens with my health. I am still at a point where they don�t know what is going on with my eye, whether it is serious or not. I don�t have any control over Brian and when I will get to see him again. But then there are areas that I do have control over�like what I put in my mouth. And because this is one area I can control, I get crazy. I decide not to eat at all, or to eat the wrong things. Like I�m exercising my power. I need to not do that. The issue of control is always something I struggle with. I hate it when I feel out of control. I like to be in charge and have always been pretty rebellious. It makes me crazy and causes me such stress. This morning I woke up and just wanted to stay in bed all day. I just wanted a day to do nothing. But I knew I couldn�t really have it since I have a doctor�s appointment in the afternoon. So I ended up getting up and coming to work like a good girl. I have a doctor�s appointment at 3:30 to find out if I have glaucoma or not (I�m sure I don�t), and hopefully will find out what the next step is� after that I plan to go to the gym and then I have a book club meeting. This will make for a full afternoon. I�m trying to do better today so I have some stamina at the gym. I have had about 20 ounces of water with more to come. And in the last hour, I have eaten 1 and � chicken breasts. I think if I go slow, I might be able to finish the second half. This will at least provide me with some protein for my work out today. We�ll see how it goes. I just want the stress to end, but it�s not going to for a while. I just have to learn better ways of coping with it.
