I am better today. Not great. But better. I am just frustrated on so many fronts. I am frustrated with my relationship and that I feel I can�t speak up about how I am feeling. That�s not Brian�s fault. He�s always very open to what I�m feeling, but I have been through so many crappy relationships where the balance of power was highly skewed, that this is just how I operate now. I operate in an environment and with expectations where if I say how I feel, I will push the other person away. It sucks to have a past, to have been treated so badly that you act like an idiot and feel so insecure. I just wish I could have some time with him so I could talk about all these things. He was supposed to be leaving today and since he never called me or e-mailed me yesterday, I just don�t know if he�s leaving or what. Right now, I want to leave it to him to get in touch with me. I don�t want to play games and pull shit, but he really needs to take the initiative. It sucks that I didn�t hear from him yesterday, since we made plans. Also since he knew that I had gotten bad news at the doctor�s, I would think he would make an effort to at least check in. And at the very least, he should have contacted me to tell me he�s not coming. But at the same time, his life is not his own and I have no idea what happened yesterday. He really is pretty reliable and I don�t want to jump to conclusions. I don�t want to let my insecurities rule me. It�s just so hard. I hate this. I hate that life never feels easy, that I continue to get hit after hit and it sucks. Diagnosed with Bi-polar at 25, diagnosed with Lupus at 27, those two are big enough to deal with. Being overweight. Having surgery to do something about being overweight. Gallbladder surgery. Hernia. Now some problem with my optic nerve. It�s so scary not knowing what�s going on, not knowing if I have a tumor or if I�m even going to have vision in my right eye in a few years. My friends tell me not to worry until I know more. But honestly, if they were in the same boat, they would be worried and freaking out too. My friends tell me it�s going to be okay. But they don�t know that for sure either. I remember when my mom had a biopsy a few years ago. Honestly, I didn�t think much about it� then two weeks later I get the phone call from her that she has breast cancer. There�s just no guarantee that things are going to be okay. Life never has any guarantees. And just because I am a good person and been through so much (as my one friend was telling me) that doesn�t mean that I don�t have to have more to deal with. I know people are just trying to reassure me and they don�t know what to say, but it is easier if they just acknowledge my fears rather than down play them. And I think it sucks that I can never get the relationship that I want. I can never get the relationship that I deserve. Really, I�m a good person, I have so much to offer someone. I am so loyal and loving and know how to make people feel special. I also know how to maintain my own sense of self, while at the same time making the other person feel important in my life. I am an excellent communicator. I don�t fight or accuse or get mean and bitchy (well, almost never). I know how to recognize my own mistakes and failures and make changes. And yet, I�m still single. And now, I have someone I really love, someone I want to be with, someone that loves me back and makes me feel special. And it�s still not easy. And I don�t know what the future holds and if I could just know a little bit, it would make it easy. But now I�m asking for the moon.
So all the stress really messes up my eating. Here�s what I ate yesterday: a protein shake in the AM, the insides of a chicken pot pie, 1 cookie and one small snack size candy bar. That�s it. That�s all I ate yesterday. Today, so far, at 10:19, all I�ve had is a protein shake. I just have no desire to eat. This is what stress does to me. My stomach is just a mess and I have no desire to put anything in it.
So, now for a look on the brighter side�. I did get up for work today. Last time I was in the hole, I didn�t work for over 3 weeks, I didn�t get up, I stopped showering, I never left the house, or my bed. So that�s an improvement. Even though I am so sad and on the verge of tears, I got out of bed. I came in to work and I am even being productive. I just feel like I am on the verge of good things here and work and my desire to not screw up is stronger than my desire to stay in bed and hide. Also, I got through the whole evening without hurting myself. This is a major accomplishment. So I have to be grateful for the things that count. Also, I have some amazing friends. My friend Char spent several hours on the phone with me yesterday, talking me through things. I had a great conversation with my roommate and that really helped too. My friend Millicent spent about an hour on the phone with me, just listening. The people in my life really understand where I am at and how I am feeling right now. I have a lot of compassion. My boss is very understanding (he only knows about the medical issue, not the whole boyfriend thing�) and says that I shouldn�t have to worry about taking time off for doctor�s appointments, that we�ll work it out. So that�s a relief.
I�m going to get back to work now� just wanted to update in case any one actually reads this thing. The way things went last night, there was cause to worry. I was worried myself.
