Number 5
2003-10-28, 7:53 p.m.

Because this is entry number 5 for the night, you can guess that this has been a pretty horrible evening for me. I think writing in this diary is one of the only things keeping me together tonight. I just came back in my room after putting the knife back in the drawer. Yes, that�s right. The knife. I didn�t cut myself, but I did actually hold the knife against my arm. I wanted to. I wanted to feel the knife cutting into my flesh. But I dropped the knife on the floor instead. Then I emptied out part of my closet and climbed in. I wanted to pound my head against the closet wall. But I didn�t do that either. So despite the horrifying plummet into the abyss, I can actually celebrate those two victories tonight. Man, I haven�t climbed inside my closet in over 10 years. I used to do that a lot. I don�t know why I always feel a little better when I am hiding inside my closet. Tonight, it also helped separate me from the knife. What I should have done is placed an emergency call to my therapist or psychiatrist. I didn�t though. I always feel like I shouldn�t be a burden. Isn�t that stupid. Their job is to keep me alive and keep me from all my destructive habits, but somehow I think that I would be an imposition. I am so stupid. And I think, at times like these when I am so fucked up, how can any man love me? How could I ever be me, this me, with a guy and expect him to be around the next day? What I want to do is climb into my bed and stay there for a long long long long long long time. Weeks, months, years. I want to cover my head and never come out. This is really raw stuff, about as real as things get. I am in crisis mode and all I have to keep me going is this diary. How fucked up is that? Not totally true, I have friends I could call, but when I am this down, I can�t reach out. It�s hard enough to sit here and write another diary entry. It�s hard enough not to go back to the kitchen and get the knife. But I won�t. I have at least a tiny success for the evening. I haven�t hurt myself physically in several years. That�s the only thing that keeps me going, I don�t want to start from scratch, like an addict going back to 1 day clean. But I guess it�s enough. Whatever keeps me from hurting myself. Man, as I write this, I am scared of what people are thinking about me� Yes, folks, I am crazy. No one should have to live this life. But tomorrow is a new day, and all I can hope for is something good, one thing, anything�.. I�ll cling to that. It�s all I have.

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