I�m trying to find a constructive way to deal with the anger and the pain that I am feeling. A way that does not involve injuring myself or others. I�m not so good at this. Previous methods for dealing with anger�punching the wall, cutting myself, banging my head repeatedly against a hard surface�are just not such good ideas. Right now I�m trying to drown my sorrows in a bottle of wine. Not such a good plan either. Truthfully, I rarely turn to alcohol to numb my emotions, but right now I am just so overwhelmed it seemed like a better idea than hitting my head against the wall or taking a knife to my skin. I am trying to use my restless energy for good and not evil and I am trying to do some brainstorming for a project at work. It�s at least productive if nothing else. Whether anything I come up with will be useful or not is yet to be seen. But it beats the alternatives. I barely taste the wine right now, it�s just an attempt to get it in to my system as quickly as possible. Not the way I envisioned drinking my $14 bottle of Napa Valley Chardonnay. But it was already chilled. I have some sparkling wine chilling too. I thought I would be able to drink it last night with my special man�wanted to celebrate the fact that we could spend a whole evening together and go on a date like a regular couple. No such luck there. I feel very close to that edge. I think the hole is getting bigger. No matter how I try to stay away from it, it just keeps expanding to meet me where I am at. My eyes are tired of crying. My body is tired of crying. I feel like I have no control over the situations in my life. I feel like I am out of choices. The situation with (okay, I�m just going to start using his name) Brian is so frustrating. I am totally in love with him. I already know that he is the one I want to spend my forever with. But I don�t know if it�s all going to work out. I have had such horrible dating experiences and it�s time for some good to come in to my life. I think he can be that good thing. But life is not kind to us. And I don�t even know what he really wants and I don�t know if I can ask. There never seems to be a good time and when I think that there will, something always comes along and fucks it up. I hate this. And � a glass of wine and I�m already starting to feel drunk. I haven�t eaten in about 6 hours. My stomach is just a heap of nautical knots. I don�t think I can untie it enough for food. And right now I don�t even want to. That�s the funny thing about me and food. When I am truly stressed, like on the edge, I just don�t want food. I actually lose more weight in times of stress than not�. Because my stomach is such a mess I can�t imagine putting food into it. But that�s not really a good thing either because then my body doesn�t get the nutrients that it needs and I just never learn how to have a healthy relationship with food. So I have to worry about that too�.. right at this moment, I just hate my life. I know that tomorrow I may feel differently but right now I am frustrated. I have had such f�d up relationships and been screwed over so many times. All I ever really wanted from life was a man who loved me and a chance to have a family. And I may never get that. I may never get the one thing I really want out of life. And that just sucks. Sucks the biggest one you have ever seen. I just want to throw things right now. I just want to lash out at this ugly cruel world. I just want a break, I want a chance to have the things I want in life. I want a chance to see my dreams come true. I wish I didn�t have to deal with this fucked up life I have. Some of it I have created and some of it I just didn�t ask for. I didn�t ask to be bi-polar. I didn�t ask to be emotionally unstable. And it just takes so much damn energy to get through the day sometimes. Really, if you don�t live this kind of life, you just don�t know. I struggle so many days just to stay happy. And that�s the funny thing�that despite being bi-polar, a bi-polar who spends more time in depression than manic, my friends and most of the people who know me (including my psychiatrist and therapist) describe me as an optimist, someone who always looks on the bright side, someone who is very positive, someone who is always hopeful, someone who makes the best of any situation (I�m not trying to define the word, these are just things people say to me). It�s hard work to be that person, living in depression, constantly fighting demons, and yet still being someone with a positive outlook on life. So today is not one of those days. It�s just not. I hate life right now. Honestly, it�s moments like this that make me contemplate suicide. I won�t do it, because I know things will get better. I KNOW IT� I just don�t know when. And I know I want to be around when it does. I know that life has good things for me. It has too. I have to believe that. Otherwise, forget it, there�s no point. But life is hard too. And it�s harder for some than for others. I don�t understand that and I get really caught up in the idea of fairness. Life has not been fair to me or even kind. I�ve had symptoms of bi-polar since I was a child. I�ve always had to deal with this� always had to deal with a life where it was a miracle to be alive and unharmed at the end of the day. No one understands how much energy it takes just to be alive at the end of the day, just to find a reason to smile, a reason to get out of bed, a reason to make it through one more stinking day. So things are not good today. This is the truth of where I am at. I don�t know when things will get better. I just know that I will survive.
So now I�m drunk on two glasses of wine. I have another one poured but I haven�t started drinking it yet. It would be better for me if I don�t, we�ll see�
I just had a long talk with my roommate about how I am feeling. It helped. I also just got of the phone with one of my best friends. Got to emotionally vomit all over her too. She and I share a birthday month. She�s going through a lot right now too. We wonder if it�s just an Aries curse or something. Who the hell knows. Any person reading this is very lucky that I am correcting my typing errors as I go or it would be a real mess. I should quit while I�m ahead. I should quit the wine too. I had a plan for tonight, a plan on what I was going to do if Brian didn�t make it up here. A plan on how I was going to occupy my time and my mind. That plan didn�t include wine.
So this is where I am tonight. I truly believe each day is a new chance. So I cling to the hope of tomorrow. And I survive another day.
