I haven�t updated in a while because I feel very whiny lately. I hate whiny.
As a bi-polar, my grasp on joy, on reality, on calm, is so tenuous. I could lose it at any moment. I feel like I might be losing it now. It�s not as if I�ve already fallen off the edge and into the abyss. I just feel like I�m circling the edge, looking down into the darkness and wondering how many bones I�m going to break when I hit the bottom. Sometimes I feel like I have some control over it and sometimes I don�t. But I made a decision. I can�t fall down there. I just can�t right now. Not that there�s ever a �good� time to be in a depression or psychologically messed up, but now is definitely not a good time. I just have too much to do, too much to accomplish. I can�t go there. We�ll see if I actually have a choice in the matter.
I just feel so frustrated and irritable lately. I feel like I�m always on the verge of snapping someone�s head off, and they haven�t really done anything. The other people with bi-polar, is that when you start to lose it, you also push everyone out of your life. I start to feel isolated, like I have no friends, like no one understands me. I swear, it just takes so much energy to be alive. If you haven�t been there, you just can�t understand.
I�m mad at my roommates because they are too loud (not really, I�m just very sensitive right now) and they have stupid pet names for each other� she calls him �Daddy� and he calls her �Mommy� even though they don�t have children. It�s corny and it really isn�t any of my business what they call each other. But because I am irritable, it pisses me off. (But seriously, am I the only one who thinks that�s stupid?) My roommate lost her job, so she�s not working right now, and in my opinion, not working very hard to find a job. Everyday I come home from work and she�s just sitting around the house in grunge clothes� I say, go register with some temp agencies.. but again, it�s not my business, as long as they pay their bills. The husband only makes $8 an hour, so he can�t support them both. They are trying to have a baby, and think about it, is this really the best time when he only makes $8 an hour and she�s not even working? It�s stuff like that that bothers me. Even when they were both working, I make more than both of them put together. I am also several years older than her. If anyone should be trying to have a baby, it�s me. But I recognize this is not the best time for me to bring a child into my world. I am smart and responsible. I just think they are not very responsible. Instead of taking a few years to get their lives together, they are trying to have a baby, when they can barely afford to take care of themselves. But seriously, I really do like my roommates and we get along so well and this place really feels like home. A lot of this is just because I am irritable and cranky and I miss my boyfriend.
My therapist just told me that she�s going to quit and move to San Francisco. Hmm, not good news. I�ve been with her 3 years. It takes the first couple of years just to trust the person and be able to reveal your deepest thoughts. I�ve been through so much with her and I just love her. I don�t want to get another therapist. Actually when she told me, I was feeling pretty good. I hadn�t seen her in 2 months because both of us had taken vacations and then I had work issues that kept me from being able to make my appointments. I was thinking, well, it�s been two months and I�m doing pretty good. Not that life is perfect, but that I�m handling the stress. I haven�t reverted back to any of my old bad habits. I�m not cutting myself, I�m not banging my head against the wall (I mean that literally, I used to bang my head on things when I was stressed), I�m not even turning to food to fight the stress (actually, I�m turning away from food, I�m not eating enough). So I felt pretty good. I thought, maybe I�ll just fly solo for a while, keep things up with the psychiatrist, but stop the therapy. But then later I thought, maybe that�s not such a good idea. Since it takes so long to build a relationship with a therapist, and when I am in a crisis, that is not the time to start a relationship, I shouldn�t wait until a crisis to get established. So I thought, I better just go ahead and start looking. But right now I�m in denial. So I�ll wait a bit. There�s another therapist in the office. Right now her schedule is booked, but I can be placed on a waiting list for her. Also, the psychiatrist who runs the office is going to be looking for another therapist to take the place of mine, so I may be able to wait and get in with the new one. I don�t really know and I�ll have to just play it by ear. It�s just something I don�t want to have to deal with right now.
My toilet was clogged when I work up this morning. Thanks, I believe, to my nephew who was visiting yesterday. So I had to make an early morning run to Wal*Mart to buy a plunger. I can never just walk into Wal*Mart or Target and buy only one thing. It just never happens. So $55 later, I came home and fixed the toilet. I had planned to do laundry this morning, but when I woke up I thought, nah� I have plenty of clothes, it�s not like I�m running out of underwear or anything. So the laundry is going to wait. Especially once I figured out I had to deal with a clogged toilet, then I knew for sure that the laundry was going to wait. So now I have a clean and flushing toilet. I should be working as I brought a bunch of work home with me, and I will be working soon. I just had to finish this rant. Okay, done now.
