I don�t like this hernia. It sticks out and makes my belly look weird. I actually have two bellies, what my friend refers to as �slicing the dough�. It means that my belly is actually separated by my waistline and cut in from all the years of wearing pants that were too tight. My upper belly had been getting smaller, and now it�s as big as it was before the surgery. I don�t like this at all, but at the same time, I�m not in a big hurry to head for the operating room either. And to top it off, it�s starting to hurt more and more. I could start wearing a binder, but that damn thing is hot and makes me itch. I had a horrible rash underneath it right after the surgery. I just can�t go back to that thing. But it is really discouraging to have lost weight and still have such a prominent tummy bulge, even though I know it�s just the hernia. No one else really notices it unless I point it out to them, but I am very aware of it. I walk around sometimes just cradling it with my hand, as if I was pregnant or something. I really hate it.
Fido is really private, so I can�t talk much about his life, mostly just about my feelings around the whole thing, but I�ve found a way to explain our situation without actually explaining it. It is as if he worked on an off-shore oil rig. Here are the similarities: 1. His job is very dangerous, he could be injured or killed at any time. 2. He is away from home more than he is home. 3. When he is not home, we have very little contact. These three things make life very frustrating. It is without a doubt the hardest relationship I have ever been in for these reasons. But it is also the most rewarding. He is very real with me, he doesn�t hold back on what he says, if he thinks it, he�ll say it. In this way, I know I can trust him. He doesn�t play any games with me. I don�t have to worry about him pulling a disappearing act. He said �I love you� first. In fact, he had said it several times before I said it back. I was determined not to say it just to say it, I wanted to mean it before I said it to him. When he is home, he puts me first. I don�t have to guess how he feels about me, I know he will never intentionally hurt me. When we are together, I am the center of his attention. He doesn�t just say he cares, he shows it in very real ways. I can talk to him about anything. He knows all my secrets. He knows all my flaws. He loves me anyway. I wish we had gotten together long ago when I first met him, but it was me that held us back. I guess I still had some things to go through to appreciate what a great guy he is. I try not to look back and only look forward. But I still think about it. Too much. I am afraid sometimes. After waiting so long for love, I don�t want to lose it so soon.
My butt hurts from the hike on Friday, but it�s definitely a good pain. I want more of it. I need to start back to the gym. Today I�m going to go home and unpack, then I have to do some organizing with my digital pictures so I can burn some to go print them. Tomorrow I need to go shopping and buy some more kitty litter. So Wednesday, I�ll plan on going back to the gym. Now that I have my surgeon�s blessing, I need to get back to it.
I�ve noticed I�m a lot more flexible than I used to be. Sometimes, I find myself laying on my bed with my leg pulled up (I can�t explain it very well), and my leg comes up much higher than it used to. Also, I can give myself a pedicure and I haven�t been able to do that for years. I want to get a yoga tape and start doing some yoga on those nights when I don�t get to the gym. We have a discount program here at work and they just added this yoga stuff. We get a 20% discount on all merchandise and classes. So I think I�ll buy a mat and a tape and give it a try.
