So I just got an e-mail from Fido that he is going to try to come home this weekend. This is the best news I could get on a Friday afternoon. I am so excited and hope he can make it happen. If not, life will go on, but if he can, this is going to be a great weekend.
Now it's time for me to chronicle a very important and difficult time in my life. It's my biggest secret, just about the only thing in my life that I am ashamed of and the only thing in my life I would do differently if given the chance. My marriage.
I tend to have a pretty good outlook on life, stay on the positive side and try not to have any regrets. I figure that most experiences that I have had just contribute to me as a person or helped me get where I am today. Honestly, in looking back at my life, if I had to give up the friends I have now in order to make a different decision, I don't think I could do it. Big decisions, like not finishing my degree at UC Santa Cruz, have big impact on so many things in my life, where I live, where I work, the people that I know. I don't think I could give up any of that in order to make a different decision. But my marriage is one thing that I can honestly say, I would do this differently. Other than losing money, self-esteem and still needing to get those divorce papers signed, I wouldn't have to give up any of the good things in my life. But since I can't go back, all I can do is take the lesson with me and rejoice in that I am a different person now.
I met this guy, my husband, several years ago on line, but never really struck up a relationship with him. We began serious conversing in January of 2002. (By serious conversing, I mean talking on the phone nearly every day, but we hadn't actually met in person yet.) As I've mentioned before, I suffer from Bi-Polar disorder. In December of 2001, I had been dating someone on line only� we had never met but had a long and extensive internet relationship. We called it off in December 2001 and so that�s the first thing I was dealing with. I was already going through cycles of depression when this occurred, and it did not help. Then, in mid-January 2002, my roommate at the time decides to tell me she wants me to move out (in hindsight a great thing, but at the time, it just felt like a rejection). Then 2 weeks after that, my mother called to say that she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. My depression began to get worse and I was missing quite a bit of work because of it. I had quickly found a new place to live with a moving date of March 1st. So at this time, I�m dealing with the breakup, the depression, the cancer and the move, as well as guilt because I was not working. Seemed like everytime I left the house, something bad happened (I began to understand how people become agoraphobic). Even one day when I ventured out of the house, I ended up getting a flat tire and that led to needing three new tires. I took this as a bad omen. It was just where I was at the time. I finally made the decision to get my ass back to work. On the day I was returning to work, I rear-ended someone. This accident totalled my car and caused significant injury to me. I had air bag burns, bruises from the air bags and seatbelts, I injured my back and knees, and as I was bracing both my legs against the floor of the car, I also injured my knees. Here was another reason not to get out of bed in the morning. The world was becoming a dangerous place. Also, during this time, my mom had a mastectomy. Then I moved and was very uncomfortable with my new roommate. As soon as I moved in, I knew it was the wrong place for me (for a variety of reasons that I won�t go into now). So this is the background of where I was at in this time of my life. I wanted to believe that someone cared about me. I needed to believe that someone cared about me, that I was special in someone�s life. My life was chaos, my emotions were totally running me.
So, during this time, I began dating my husband. He was a charmer, probably still is, just that he�s no longer charming me. He charmed the pants off of me� and one thing about me is that I�m very giving. I love to help people and do things for them. So anytime he expressed a need, I was thinking of ways to fill it. I just wanted to make him happy, thinking that this would buy his affection and bring the love into my life that I so desperately wanted. And since he�s the kind of guy that uses women, I was just the right kind of gal for him. During this time, I slipped from a depression to a manic phase. This means that I began to feel some level of elation, experience increased energy and make very bad decisions. When I am manic, I make decisions without regard to the future, all I know is the present. Well, this guy and I were in Vegas for the weekend. We had been talking about how he needed surgery on his knees but didn�t have insurance. Well, we were in Vegas and thought, why not just get married. Then he�d have insurance and could get the surgery. After he had the surgery, we�d just get the whole thing annulled. Seriously, it made sense at the time. That�s just where I was. So that�s what we did. We got married May 19th, 2002 at the Hollywood Wedding Chapel. I just have this to say�It is way too easy to get married in Vegas. We had a horrible weekend, I saw almost none of him that weekend as he was off gambling most of the time. I knew right away it was a mistake, but thought that it would be over soon and we might as well move forward and accomplish what we set out too. Things got worse from there. I had loaned him money to go home after his mother died, paid for everything in Vegas and then loaned him money again when he was supposedly stranded without his wallet. Altogether, I�ve invested over $4000.00 in this man. It didn�t take long after our wedding for his true spots to emerge. I soon realized that he didn�t care for me at all, and that I was just a person to be used for his gain. But it was too late, we were married. And I just haven�t taken the time I need to do undo it. Now, I don�t even know where he is. Last I spoke with him, he threatened suicide. I am sure it was just an attempt to get some sympathy and more help from me. I have no sympathy left for the guy and certainly won�t offer him any more help.
It has taken me a while to come to terms with the whole thing. Most of my friends know about it now, Fido knows about it, and I finally told my sister about it. But my parents still don�t know. Honestly, the whole thing still embarrasses me. But I know that I am totally a different person now, and the person that I am now, would never repeat this mistake. So live and learn. That�s life. Move on. It�s all I can do. Not sure what I�m going to do about this whole thing now that I don�t know where he is, but I have some people on the job, looking for him. Hopefully, this will all be over soon.
So that�s my story and I�m sticking to it. An important part of my life. Can�t go back and undo it, just have to accept it, learn from it and move on.
