So these are my thoughts today: I have always been overweight, pretty much ever since puberty. I was a chubby kid, but really packed it on after puberty. I was wearing size 18 in 7th grade. I don�t even remember what size I was wearing in high school as we wore uniforms and I had very few clothes outside of that. I mostly wore guys levis. My school uniforms (lovely catholic girls school) were custom made, because I was too big for the regular ones. I know that when I graduated from high school, I weighed 240. When I went away to college, I actually lost weight, got down to around 210. I fluctuated between 205 and 220 for 2 years (actually weighed 198 at one point but that didn�t last long). My third year of college, due to my job and horrible living situation ( a kitchen I didn�t dare set foot in, worked in a pizza place, lived off of Burger King, Taco Bell and the free pizza at my job), I quickly ballooned up to 280. Now, when I weighed 210 or so, I thought I was huge. At 280, I just felt like a big baboon (no offense to the baboons). I pretty much stayed around 280 for most of my 20�s, with some very brief forays into smaller numbers (maybe as low as 260). I think because I was always chubby/overweight, I just carry this image of myself as fat. That�s why when I weighed 210, I still thought of myself as unproportionately huge. Being fat is just part of my identity. I spent most of my life with very poor body image. I look at pictures of my 210 self, and I think (now from the hindsight perspective) that I look so skinny. I wish I felt that way at the time. My weight held me back, affected my self esteem, I never felt attractive or tried to date. So, I get to be 30 years old. I think I weighed about 330-340 at the time. I�m 30 years old and going through some things in my head. I made a decision to come to terms with my body. I figured to myself �I�m fat, I�ve always been fat, I may always be fat. It�s time to deal with that.� (I know I�ve covered some of this in other journal entries, but I�m going over it again because I am actually going somewhere with all these thoughts, and I�ll even get there sometime today!) So I began looking in the mirror (I was never a big fan of mirrors or cameras), I began to allow my picture to be taken. When I looked at myself in the mirror (everyday before getting in the shower), I worked hard to erase the old messages I would hear. Instead of, look at my big fat butt, I tried to just say, that�s my butt. Soon, I was not afraid to see myself in the mirror. I had been a subscriber to Mode Magazine (a �zine for us big girls), and there was an article about dating sites that catered to larger women (also known as BBW�s�Big Beautiful Women). I checked out a few of these sites and actually started dating someone from one of them. He thought my body was just perfect, and he absolutely worshipped my ass. Now I would have always considered my ass one of my worst features, but after dating John, I began to consider it an �ass�et. First thing when I would get to his house, he would get my pants off.. he loved to see me walk around his house in my underwear. He always told me what a great ass I had. This did wonders for my body image as well. So between the work I was doing on my own and the encouragement I received from John, I began to embrace my body. During this time, I also lost weight and got as low as 275, settling for a while down at 280 again. Because of the emotional work I was doing, I began to feel very comfortable at 280. My confidence and self image grew and I really felt in control of my life.
Flashing forward a few years, I gained a huge amount of weight, ending up at my pre-surgery weight of 366. Having gone through a series of horrible relationships (including a date rape), I believe I turned back to my old friend, food. Whereas, I felt very confident with my body at 280, at 366 I felt like a whale. I was embarrassed everyday, hated the way I looked, never felt like I looked good, hated my wardrobe, hated the way clothes looked on me, hated everything. So even though I�m not afraid to be overweight, and even appreciate my curves, there is a point where too much is too much. It�s funny, because I actually met Fido during the time where I weighed 280 (in fact, when I met Fido, and the first few times I saw him I was wearing sweats and looking like hell�he was dating my roommate at the time, long story that I�ll tell in another entry). When we actually went out on our first date, I was at least 350, possibly more, I didn�t really appreciate the scale at that time so I have no idea what I weighed. We didn�t see each other for over a year, and by the time we started dating for real, I had already had the surgery and was back down to 280. He mentioned to me, that when we had gone out that one time in March 2002, that he could tell I was uncomfortable with my weight. He noticed that I had gained a bit of weight (but great guy that he is, it wasn�t an issue to him, it�s not about size for him), and figured that was why I was a bit more reserved than he remembered me. He is very happy for me, not because it matters to him my size, but because he knows it makes me happy and I am also getting my confidence back. Good doggie! LOL
Okay, enough of the background and on to my point. I now weigh 266 (hit that 100 pound loss, yeah me!) and I am wearing size 22�s in the bottom and anywhere from 18/20 to 26/28 in shirts. I am generally smaller on the top than on the bottom (though that is beginning to even out as well), but my arms are still really big, so it all depends on how the shirt is cut, whether it�s got stretch and how the sleeve is cut. If the material is stretchy, I can wear an 18/20, but if not, then it�s usually a 22/24. Most of the 26/28 shirts I have are starting to get a bit big but there are a few of them I�m just not ready to part with yet. I feel great. And I feel like I look great. Right now, I don�t care if I lose another pound. I am so happy with how I look. Coming from someone who was very happy at a size 26, I think I look incredible as a size 22. This is the point of this entry. I think I look great! I walk down the street (or the grocery store, or the office aisle) and I think I look like a supermodel. My confidence is that high now. At this point, my surgery is a success. I know that I will continue to lose weight. And I know I will continue to look better and better. But it�s all gravy now.
