So my bad luck for the year has not quite ceased. I�ll get to my post TG depression attack in a minute, but first let me tell you all about this morning.
Having almost recovered (sort of) from my fall down the stairs in January and the lupus flare up that it brought on, I fell down the stairs again this morning. Last time, I fell forward. This time, I fell backwards. Landing on my butt and then bouncing down about 4 more steps. My back seized up immediately
So, a call to the doc, a visit to the urgent care, a visit to the pharmacy and $160 later, I am home and about to take pass-out pills. But this just blows!
Ever since the fall in January, I am usually really careful with stairs. But I was wearing socks and the stairs were carpeted and the door bell was ringing and my hands were full and I knocked something off of a stair and I was just distracted. Bam. That was all it took.
Me + stairs = disaster.
All hail the one story homes.
As for the depression, I finally realized it�s not the holiday itself that depresses me. It�s the �after holiday� when the joyful �holidaying� is over and everyone departs with their family. And I depart alone. Last night, my departure required an hour drive home with too much time to contemplate my loneliness and the empty bed I was coming home to. I�m tired. I�m tired of this world and I�m tired of my life and I�m tired of having to �spin� it in my own mind just to make it bearable enough for me to get up in the morning.
I�m tired of having to get used to living this life. I�m tired.
Did I mention I�m tired?
And I�m tired of waging the same war year after year, being with men I love that can�t love back, finding guys I like, getting excited, hoping that someday soon i won't sleep alone every night, that maybe this year i won't be alone on this or that holiday and always having it fall apart on me. It kills me again and again. I swear it will never make sense in this world. It is times like these that I wonder if there is a god. I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I�m a loving and giving person, I think about the person that I�m with, how I could help them, how I could put a smile on their face that day, how to give them an awesome birthday or just a great day in general. When something is wrong, I reach out, when they need to talk, I listen. Why doesn�t someone want someone like that in their life?
And every year that i battle it, I just lose weapons and lose ground. I don�t gain anything from the battle, I�m not winning the battle or the war. I�m just losing pieces of myself. Important pieces that I am going to need some day. I just have to stop thinking about it. And the guys who shall remain nameless. I mean, when someone wants a product, they go in to the store and buy it. They don�t need a sales pitch, they buy the damn thing. So why do I keep clinging to guys who so clearly are just still looking around the aisles to see what�s available.
And as for Brian, when we thought I might be pregnant, he told me he�d marry me. But alone, he�s not interested. So I was only worth having if I came with his baby. He is incapable of loving me. I get it. I have gotten it for a while. I just hate saying it.
One last thing� Tuesday night, I had 3 dreams about packing. One I was packing to move. One I was packing to go on a vacation. The other one, I was packing to come home from vacation. I have no idea which order these were in. So obviously, I�m mentally trying to deal with some baggage, maybe pack it away and get rid of it, or something about moving on. I�m not sure. But 3 dreams about packing in one night has to have some significance.
And now, I�m off to my semi-comatose-state inducing drugs. And at least an end to the physical pain. The emotional pain, I�ll get to that. Because next year, I don�t think it can get any worse so bring it on muthafucka!
Night all, I�m off to my TG leftovers (to keep me from vomiting up the drugs) and then my afternoon nap.
