The last week has just been crazy emotionally. 5 days of high. 2 days of confusion. 1 day of WHAT THE HELL and LET IT GO. I have a whole mixed bag of emotions inside. As for what happened, honestly, it�s just part of life. But to me, it just makes me want to vomit. Right now, I guess the best word to describe how I feel about what happened is that I feel violated. And maybe in a way I was. And I know this is all vague but I don�t want to write about it here. Maybe sometime I will. But right now, I don�t want that episode anywhere near my diary. Because it�s just a horror in my mind right now and I don�t want my diary tainted by the experience. But no, no one hurt me physically. I don�t want you all to think someone attacked me or something. The whole experience was really an emotional one from start to finish. But I am documenting it and then burying it in the depths of my computer so it will be there if I ever want to deal with it or take a closer look with a magnifying glass. And I know, that when I am over it, I will be able to delete the file. That�s what has always happened in the past.
So, just a few things that I am learning or just acknowledging about myself:
Once I let someone in emotionally, I have a hard time kicking them out, even when they�ve kicked me out. It�s usually only after months/years of no contact that I finally can shut that door. Or if they�ve committed the same relationship �sin� (and I use the word relationship to apply to any relationship, friendship, family, romantic, etc) a few too many times, or someone else is occupying their emotional space. There are a number of people who have committed multiple �relationship sins� and yet, they are still around. Because after so many years, no matter what you do, you have a permanent spot in my heart.I forgive way too many things.I keep silent way too many times.I often don�t say what I want to say for fear of pushing someone away, even when it is clear that they are pushing me away.I need to learn how to let go.I need to learn not to let the small things affect me like they do while big things seem to just stun me.When it all is said and done, I�m just doing the best I can. All I can do is learn from each day.In the grand scheme of things, it was only 5 days. If I took an eraser and erased them, I can go back to last Tuesday and remember that I was happy that day. So I can be happy today too.I need to learn to have selective memory.Though I am very confident, sometimes, I don�t act that way in romantic relationships. A confident woman would not put up with the shit I put up with and would not be afraid to really speak her mind. I don�t always speak my mind to those I love (and I think I mentioned it several times in different forms but it�s important, very important)
I�ll stop my list there. On to other places, better things, weirder roadside attractions.
The better thing � thing�s are going really well at my job. Part of it is because, once I got to know my new boss, I found that I really liked her. And having her for a boss has made my life easier in a lot of ways. She�s much more kick back than my other boss. Not to say that I didn�t really love my other boss, but things are just easier now.
Prior to this boss, there were a lot of protocol on how we did things that were in place simply because that�s how it was always done, whether or not it was best or right or whatever. For the most part, there were 2 people who decided how things would be done and the rest of us just had to go along with them because a) they had been there the longest/had the most experience, b) they would outlast us in mud wrestling or c) we weren�t really that emotionally invested in the whole thing in the first place. The new boss, she really doesn�t care whose toes she steps on, she just does what she thinks makes the most sense or what is right. If it pisses someone off, too bad.
So the queens of our department have been dethroned. Add to that the fact that the new boss (herein known as NB) really likes me and respects me and sees my potential that I have been leaving untapped due to multiple issues this year. And suddenly, she is asking me to do things others used to do. Others, who had it really good and made some of our lives more difficult, are suddenly the ones hating their jobs.
The other part of why my job is going well is because I am feeling better so I�m more engaged while I�m there and putting out better work. I am also caught up and not trying to keep my head above water. Not only am I caught up, but I have gotten myself organized so I don�t have to try to keep all these timelines and shee-yat in my head. I don�t have to sit in bed at night and wonder if I�ve missed sending a letter or writing a report or in pestering someone because they are late with their audit selection or corrective action plan. I have it all written down in a spreadsheet or on my calendar. Yay for letting go of WORK when I am at HOME.
In fact, at this very moment, I have no reports to write. This is a huge accomplishment as I was at audits for 6 days in two weeks. And each audit �visit� was often for more than one �type� of audit (as we audit 5 different categories/products/areas separately). So in those 6 days (plus the 1 I�ve had already this week, which equals 7 days), I did 18 different audits. That means 18 reports, 18 letters, etc. In addition to that, of the 18, only about 5 or 6 were compliant or passing audits. So that meant additional work. And being OUT of the office at audits means you are not IN the office to do any of that. So, in short, I am proud of myself for being a productivity wonder. Last Thursday, I was just a report-writing machine, closing out 7 audits, only 1 of which was compliant.
As for my health, just day to day, I feel tons better. When I push myself a little (like the report-writing machine day or the weekend getaway) I definitely feel it. After the weekend trip, I had a little lupus reaction and ended up in bed for 2 days with a mild fever, joint pain and muscle pain. It�s sort of like how you feel when you are on the 3rd day of the flu. After the report writing day, where I worked 11 hours, my back and neck definitely hurt.
I�ve also been learning that when my back and neck hurt, there are actually positions I can sit in that not only relieve the pain a bit, but prevent it as well. So it�s been a learning process. But I AM learning and figuring it all out.
Now on to the roadside oddity in my life that I promised. It�s not really a roadside attraction, at least, I am not ready to stand on the side of the road showing it off, but maybe, if things go really wrong, I can become a roadside oddity. But I don�t really strive for that, so let�s take that off the list of things to do in life.
About 2 months ago, this weird little rash appeared on my belly. It�s just sort of a red scaly area, that at times appears round and then other times, just blotchy and amoeba-like. Well, I just ignored it, even though it got a bit bigger and more amoeba-like. But it was a loner, it didn�t have friends. And when it reached a certain size, it stopped growing. Plus, with lupus, you can get weird rashes and I�ve gotten them before � ones that show up like big welts and then settle down a bit and look like burns, it�s weird, plus I get rashes on my face too, sometimes just redness and other times things that would look like pimples to the untrained eye but are not pimples � so, rashes don�t always send up warning signals.
But then a friend appeared just above my left breast. Then another one further down on my breast. But still, I just figured it was either a) a reaction to medication (though I hadn�t added any, nor had I changed detergent or soap or perfume or shampoo or, well, you get it) or b) some lupus rash and so I ignored it.
Then just last night, I noticed that I had it on my back too. And I hadn�t noticed it because, really, who looks at their back very often? There�s like 4 or more of them on my back. Some round, some amoeba-like. All slightly red and kind of scaly. So I called the doctor and made an appointment and I�ll find out what it is on Tuesday. I didn�t need anything urgent, obviously, the rash has been here a while and hasn�t killed me yet. I�d take pictures, but they are shy. They don�t like paparrazzi (sp?).
And that�s all she wrote.
Meanwhile, I�ll deal with the shit I�ve got to deal with, work on focusing on what works and not what�s broken, fall down a few times, and be thankful that I have people who love me and will pick me up (after they laugh at me for being a dork and tripping over an olive).
And oh, another work thing...
Also, our whole computer network was migrated to our new company�s special version of Windows XP, we got new laptops and our MS office was upgraded to 2003. There�s all this stuff that�s different and annoying. Things don�t look like what they used to look like and the buttons aren�t where they used to be.
There are a lot of features that are disabled. Like when you get a pop up asking you if you are sure you want to open a file or whatever, you can usually tell it not to ask you that question again. Well, all of those are disabled. Documents created suddenly have the whole document history on them, like from when they were first created, every change that was ever made and all these pointers on the side saying the revised date or who revised it, etc.
In addition, I have a special formatting program on my computer that was installed when I was a trainer and I used it to write training material. Actually, it�s just a bunch of macros that help you organize your information in Word. So, every time I open a word doc, I get a message asking if I want to disable the macros and I have to say yes. And the button to tell it to always disable the macros is disabled. So I went to try to remove the program, but I don�t have administrative rights to add or remove any programs.
I�m going to have to call the �no-help� desk, sit on hold for 34.7 minutes and have THEM remotely take control of my computer and remove it.
This has been the craziest transition ever. I mean, this company that acquired us, is one of the largest healthcare companies in the country and they got that way by acquiring other companies so they�ve certainly done this whole thing before. But wow, did they come off as unorganized. They would give us dates for our migration, then we�d move audits or come in at night or on weekends to drop off our laptops, only to have them postpone, but not actually tell us it was postponed or when it was postponed TO.
At one point, they had to stop because they RAN OUT OF LAPTOPS. Now how do you do that? Don�t you take a count before the transition of how many laptops you are leasing and how many you will need? Apparently not.
And? I�m so in a Tegan and Sara mood.
